1/8/11
I never used to believe the whole
‘a burden shared is a burden halved’
I never used to believe in talking therapy
‘just talk about it, you’ll feel better’

And so I went through life just hiding inside a thousand lies,
So tiring trying to remember who you’ve told what
and always fearing you’ll slip up and ruin everything
again.

And so I went through life with this secret hidden in my heart,
With all my veins wrapped so tight around it
that it hurt sometimes I had to just let them loosen
up a bit.

So now I’ve got all these scars that can and can’t be seen,
But I guess I got tired of the entire depressed scene,
And I guess I decided maybe all this crap was worth a try,
And so I, and it took practice for so many years, but I
taught myself how to run this tongue in truth,

I think I caught my tongue off guard and sometimes it’s still hard
to get the words from my head to my mouth,
I’m still used to lying, exaggerating and hiding,
But I, and I’m still practicing all the time, but I
taught myself how to run this tongue in truth,
And that secret wrapped inside my chest might have just slipped out
by accident, but who says all accidents are bad because I think
this was the best thing I ever did. I never knew I’d feel like this,
As cliché as it is my shoulders, my spine is holding up nothing
but my body right now, and I feel like I could probably fly
if I ran fast enough on my light feet,

And that secret wrapped inside my chest might have just forced its way
onto my tongue but I’m not angry or trying to figure out how
I’ll ever live this down, I never knew I’d feel so,
And I’m on the ninth cloud and I know eventually I’ll come down
But I’m enjoying it for now, and I feel like I am flying
all because I ran my tongue.

1/8/11
There’s been this difference in my life since I widened my squinting eyes,
I saw things I’d never seen right in front of me,
And I think they call this opportunity.

Where in boredom I used to list the things I hated
about my stupid self, well now I’m listing the things
that I don’t mind,

Well what a turnaround,
I’m not saying I don’t’ feel pain,
But I also no longer fear change.

I crawled out of the glass box I built around myself,
And I didn’t get out unscathed,
And I’ve got more scars than some,
But I don’t hide them in shame anymore,

I decided not to just live to breathe,
same old boring unfulfilling routine,
I decided to just give life a try,
Now I breathe to live,

And I will fill this head with memories unpleasant and the opposite
because that’s just life but I won’t lie down at the first sign
of a fight because I’ve been through more than some
and I know I can get through, I know I can get through everything.

14+18-3-10

A young woman, she works
on a wooden desk with a pen
spitting ink on parchment after parchment,
then her eyes show it first, widening -
she clutches her chest -
she falls to the floor, with her eyes
chasing the base of her skull.

A whisper in her ear – are you satisfied?

A mother, she holds
children exuding such life
spitting out orders to child after child,
then her eyes show it first, widening -
she clutches her chest -
she falls to the floor, with her eyes
chasing the base of her skull.

A whisper in her ear – are you yet satisfied?

Elderly now, yet still
the young run around
contrasting the differing mortalities,
then her eyes show it first, widening -
she clutches her chest -
she falls to the floor, with her eyes
chasing the base of her skull.

A whisper in her ear – now what matters?

A flash – young, old, older.
Then with a shudder, her eyes do fly open,
She contemplates and rubs her chest -
takes her pulse and worries as it quickens
and it quickens as she worries.

Such a vivid yet and plausible dream,
How am I not to believe?
I hold in my scream of terror
and utter despair.

"the secrets attempted coup"

The emotional pain nobody ever gets - in their eyes,
You are weak and overdramatic - if only...
You could speak out instead of feeling paralysed,
When someone asks a question just a little too deep,
But not quite deep enough.

All your secrets are having a convention at your heart,
Too many tickets were sold - your ribs are cracking
trying to hold such a crowd.
And they're all yelling 'we want out, we want out',
Your heart begins to shake with overwhelming fear,
There's an earthquake throughout your body,
The secrets scatter and all you can get out is silence.

The physical pain nobody ever see's - in their eyes,
You are fine and in tact - if only...
They saw the scars on your ribs from expansion,
When the crowds are pushing too hard to escape,
But not quite hard enough.

All your secrets are having a convention at your heart,
Too many tickets were sold - your ribs are cracking
trying to hold such a crowd.
And they're all yelling 'we need out, we need out'
Your heart begins to shake at the thought of an overthrow,
There's an earthquake throughout your body,
The secrets stand with a plan to scramble up your throat when you gulp in air,
But the thick air breathed in and the choking throat forces the secrets back down, silenced.
And all that you can get out is stomach acid.

18-11-09
NOSTLEN GIDNITY

Downed much more than any fish,
I wonder if they even drink water,
Don’t they simply breathe it?
But the water is not combating
the poison tonight.

I am slurring, I am falling,
I am tripping, I am speaking
so loud and I, I am smiling.

A danger but not just to myself,
But a danger to that boys heart
or his ego, part those lips
and let me spit all my dignity
in your mouth tonight.

I am laughing, I am dancing,
I am tripping, I am making
such a fool of all of you.

Like something in a sci-fi movie
I step into a machine and press go,
And I step out a different person,
Well where’d that confidence come from?
What’s that niggling, tingling, stinging
feeling? It really feels quite nice.

I am who I want to be.
And who you want me to be.
I am who I want to be.

Is it what I want or the only
thing I can control? Irony says
you’ve lost control, kid, that’s your
lesson for trying to get one back
at the universe.

27-1-10
Don’t give me an ultimatum
‘cause this is an addiction
and you’re never going to win -
without a bottle in your hand
you’re not even making it through the door,
Can’t you hear me slur ‘more, more’,
Can’t you see it in my eyes
or hear it in my lack of words,
and this is such a vicious cycle.

You see, the bottle gives me courage,
and the anxiety cancels it all out,
so for the courage to speak I need it,
and then of course if I wish to speak honestly,
I need a little more,
and just to answer the door…
and just to get out the door…
and just to contemplate sociability…
and just to pretend I’m okay…
and, well, you might be beginning to get the point
by now, so come in with a bottle
or stay on the other side of the door,
and don’t give me ultimatums you think you’ll win,
‘cause this is an addiction,
and you’re just the person I love,
and as crazy as it seems love is less powerful
than addiction,
and you’re on the losing side.

9/12/10
She tries to sleep but the darkness
wakes her up same time every night,
For it’s the pitch black that activates
the worm hole that doesn’t offer
a trip but sucks her right in,

And I’m four years old again
but only in regards to my body,
And I’m twenty years old
in my head and I’m hating,
Fists are clenched and I,

She tries to move her horrid past
like telekinesis out of her mind,
For it’s the memories that cut
her skin in the form of a knife
trying to bleed it’s ways out,

Back to the worm hole
she feels so weak,
In the body of a four year old
the world looks bleak,
It’s only when she cries
that he starts to stop,
That memory for the hundredth
time is the only thing she needed
to confirm the fact that he is a monster,
Nowhere near human,
And neither was she,
How could she be?

They say time travel is not possible,
So how am I living in the past?
They say time travel is not possible,
So why is it so hard to live in the moment?

And the worm hole above her bed
stays in place as she relives her past,
And before she herself comes back through
her guts do, that squirming feeling
travels from her head to her stomach
and nausea with the force to pick her
up off her feet and through time,

She shoves another pill down
just like she tries to squash the past,
For it’s the memories that swallow
a dozen pills in the form of her
very on throat, her enemy,

And every night she is thrown
without a choice through time,
And I’m four years old again,
And it so badly hurts my head,
to be so victimized night after night,
And with all the smarts in my mind
I can’t seem to get rid of the pain,
And all I can attempt to do is to rewrite
the past and my fists clenched,

I punch him square in the jaw,
with the hand of a child
but the heart of a disaster,
with such young knuckles
but such old pain,

And so every night I will not be the only suffering,
And I hope he time travels too.

9/12/10
She tries to sleep but the darkness
wakes her up same time every night,
For it’s the pitch black that activates
the worm hole that doesn’t offer
a trip but sucks her right in,

And I’m four years old again
but only in regards to my body,
And I’m twenty years old
in my head and I’m hating,
Fists are clenched and I,

She tries to move her horrid past
like telekinesis out of her mind,
For it’s the memories that cut
her skin in the form of a knife
trying to bleed it’s ways out,

Back to the worm hole
she feels so weak,
In the body of a four year old
the world looks bleak,
It’s only when she cries
that he starts to stop,
That memory for the hundredth
time is the only thing she needed
to confirm the fact that he is a monster,
Nowhere near human,
And neither was she,
How could she be?

They say time travel is not possible,
So how am I living in the past?
They say time travel is not possible,
So why is it so hard to live in the moment?

And the worm hole above her bed
stays in place as she relives her past,
And before she herself comes back through
her guts do, that squirming feeling
travels from her head to her stomach
and nausea with the force to pick her
up off her feet and through time,

She shoves another pill down
just like she tries to squash the past,
For it’s the memories that swallow
a dozen pills in the form of her
very on throat, her enemy,

And every night she is thrown
without a choice through time,
And I’m four years old again,
And it so badly hurts my head,
to be so victimized night after night,
And with all the smarts in my mind
I can’t seem to get rid of the pain,
And all I can attempt to do is to rewrite
the past and my fists clenched,

I punch him square in the jaw,
with the hand of a child
but the heart of a disaster,
with such young knuckles
but such old pain,

And so every night I will not be the only suffering,
And I hope he time travels too.

19/7/11
I used to get so uncomfortable hearing my own footsteps,
Thinking I was on the path to – I wasn’t on a path at all,
I used to stare at the clock and flinch at the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, when my mind finally feels fine,

I used to walk around with the world on my shoulders,
Taking blame for the things I had no hand in at all,
I used to fear the clock and cry about the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right, I feel better than fine,

And I don’t care if it’s just another high
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
And I don’t care if this moment has a limit,
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,

I used to crawl around on the floor just searching
for my entrance to Hell, I knew where I was headed,
Then one day I decided to stand and scale the walls
for the light, I’d spend days just searching
and sometimes I’d lay down and stare at the surrounding dark,
But I always got back up and I finally found the dimmer,

It’s still far from perfect but I finally feel worth it,
I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, where I feel better than fine,
I live for the times the light shines,
I push through the dark because I know it always ends,
And right now, right here, I’m better than fine.

12/7/11
I said I wouldn’t count my chickens
but the eggs began to crack and I may
have told a lie,
Isn’t it funny how chickens can’t fly?

You took my wings away anyway
and now I’m left stranded and all I
seem to do is cry,
Isn’t it ironic how chickens can’t fly?

So I’m trapped in the wire fences
just standing in the line,
Waiting to be plucked out
and chosen to die,

Because chickens can’t fly.

19/7/11
I used to get so uncomfortable hearing my own footsteps,
Thinking I was on the path to – I wasn’t on a path at all,
I used to stare at the clock and flinch at the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, when my mind finally feels fine,

I used to walk around with the world on my shoulders,
Taking blame for the things I had no hand in at all,
I used to fear the clock and cry about the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right, I feel better than fine,

And I don’t care if it’s just another high
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
And I don’t care if this moment has a limit,
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,

I used to crawl around on the floor just searching
for my entrance to Hell, I knew where I was headed,
Then one day I decided to stand and scale the walls
for the light, I’d spend days just searching
and sometimes I’d lay down and stare at the surrounding dark,
But I always got back up and I finally found the dimmer,

It’s still far from perfect but I finally feel worth it,
I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, where I feel better than fine,
I live for the times the light shines,
I push through the dark because I know it always ends,
And right now, right here, I’m better than fine.

26/5/11
Do you feel the same guilt, the shame,
the pain I have to use to get through every day?
I used to wish for news that you’d jumped off a bridge
driven insane, but now today I hope you live
and just drown with the same guilt, the shame,
the pain that you put me through, how I hope
it doubles back up onto you and you
wish to simply die on the spot like I cried on the spot
for years as you,

Do you struggle to look your own eye
in the mirror, do you give in and cry at the monster
that you’ve always been, not become, always been
and you’ve got no excuse because I didn’t
grow up to be just like you, so I threw
all those theories down in the bin and god how I hope
your prayers for your sins just fail and drop
and God can abandon you the way he left me to you
for years as you,

Do you look back and wince at your actions,
see the tears that I cried that you couldn’t take as
a message to stop, let me out of this place, of this
memory, I’ve got nothing left and I’m barely
breathing as you, and again and again and it happened
for years but not just the years that it happened,
Because my head replays it all the time, awake or asleep,
It lives inside me like the monster you are,
And screw your excuses, I threw them away when I reached twenty one
and I haven’t hurt anyone the way you hurt me, so there goes
every sorrowful line about being hard done by makes you do bad things to others,

Only I have suffered at my own hand and I,
will keep it that way because I’m nothing like you,
And only I have suffered at my own hand and I,
will keep it that way because I am not like you,
And if I were I would sooner jump the bridge
than let such a monster, such a demon exist,
And only I have suffered, it’s painted on my wrist
for all to see the pain that you caused me,
to relive and relive and relive once again,
And only my own outsides, insides have suffered
at my own hands and I will keep it that way,
So face yourself in the mirror and look in your eye
and I hope that all you see is the hate

that has manifested in me for all these years,
that has been crawling through you for all those years,
You might’ve been young but I was younger
and I didn’t deserve the things that you did,
You might’ve been misunderstood but I know you knew
what you were doing, you don’t reach such an age
and not know right from wrong,
And you hid it, told me not to tell anyone,
And you hid it, and you did it for so long,
to fulfil some kind of sick, twisted urge,
And I know you knew you were wrong
when you hid it from everyone, and told me not to tell anyone,
So you can’t protest ‘but I didn’t know’,
Because you always knew, I was the one in the dark
until I grew to be your age and now I can see what you did to me

and I will turn out nothing like you so there goes every excuse.

Jumping flies

5/5/11
I will not be another statistic,
The increasing height of a line on a chart,
I won’t be another crazy kid sick with demons,
I won’t be another depressed head
who cannot take the issues of a world where
They’re dropping like flies,
jumping with lies,
jumping with their lives.

My goal must be made more than
to just be alive by the end of this month,
My life must be more than just trying to
make it through every hour,

I will climb the mountain but I won’t
hang myself with the rope.
I will fight fist to fist with every demon
and I will win. I will fight fist to fist
with every approaching enemy.
I will win where

they dropped like flies,
jumped with lies,
jumped with their lives.

And I salute because I know the feeling
but I won’t give in and I’ll live the life of those unlived,
And I salute because I know how easily
that could of been my body,
And I will live the life of those unlived.

-

26/5/11
I’m rushing out, I’m falling down,
What’s new here at this place anyway?
You’re asking, I’m lying, what’s new?
I’m bursting at the seams with the truth
that I just won’t spill to anyone,

Oh how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find your heart inside your arms.

I’m crashing down, I’m folding out,
What’s new here at this headspace anyway?
You’re crying at my obvious lying again,
I’m bursting at the seams with secrets
That I just won’t spill to anyone,

Oh god how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find your heart inside your arms.

I’m just giving in, I’m not the only one
beyond believing, my lies are getting ridiculous now,
You’re getting to know me and my eyes give me away,
That’s what you always say, at night when I get home,
That’s what you always say, I wish I were alone,
And I’m just giving in, I’m past believing,

Oh god, how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find peace inside your arms,

Once I laid there and I thought perfection, at last, perfection
erase my past but the bliss didn’t last and that’s when the lies start,
Once I laid there and I thought perfection, at last perfection
could erase my past but the bliss didn’t last and that’s where we start
to fall apart like all my flimsy excuses to where have I been
you know just where I’ve been and just what I’ve been doing,
And I thought I could outrun my past but my legs and lies didn’t last,

Oh god, how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find your heart inside your arms,

You’re reaching – it’s at a stretch now – and I’m scared to take that hand,
And you’re caring and I’ve never been more scared and I,
You’re reaching – it’s desperation now – and I’m scared to take that hand,
And you’re caring is really scaring me and I,

I cannot run away from this one more day – my legs are giving way,
And I was so stupid, you were always there to,
I cannot run away from this one more day as my legs give way,
I was so stupid, you were always there to catch me.

Sweet bullets

29/4/11
I heard a sweetly, softly song sung by a gun,
And once I heard that noise, I begged for more,
But it needed a little more substance, a little more oomph
than just shooting at dead firewood,
I heard a sweetly, softly song sung by a gun
but I needed a more heartfelt one.

If you stand in my way, well you’ll be quickly erased,
Because each note that this gun sings I know is a sin,
But it sounds so, but it makes me everything
instead of the nothing I am sick of being,
If you stand in my way, well today’s not your day.

I blasted just one bullet away for some fun,
And heard all the screams, the scurrying away,
What a sweet and delicate noise, I thought to myself,
what a lovely note to follow my gun’s voice,
I heard a sweetly, softly song sung by a gun
and I am getting closer to a complete one.

If you stand in my way, well today’s not your day,
Because each note that this gun sings is beautiful,
And it sounds sweet, and it makes me a God
instead of the nothing I am so sick of rotting,
If you stand in my way, you’ll quickly be erased.

Oh, you stand in my way, I warned you didn’t I?
I gave you the fair warning you never gave me,
You see, I may have a gun but I am still more civilised than you,
I let the nice ones go, well some of them,
Depends how high the urge to kill is,
I let the nice ones go, it’s you I’m after,
And sometimes the nice ones are just collateral damage,

But don’t you see I’m cleaning up by making the biggest mess you’ll see?
And don’t you hear the sweet, and don’t you hear the sweetly singing gun?
It urges me on and so do all your pain filled screams, it seems
I am a monster too now. I am a monster now.

If you stand in my way, you’re sure to be erased,
Because each note that this gun sings is a beautiful sin,
And it sounds so, and it makes me everything
instead of the nothing I am so sick of being,
If you stand in my way, I will not hesitate

to hold this gun to your face,

If that’s how I have to get to the not so nice ones,
And I’ll let the nice ones go, for a while,
But I might shoot them in the back just to hear the sound,
And I’ll let the nice ones go, for a while,
But I might shoot them in the back just to taste the fear,

It’s a tradition, don’t you know?
It’s an April tradition to kill.
It’s a tradition, don’t you know?

Stand in front of me, this place is going to blow,
Stand in front of me and I’ll make sure of my aim,
Stand in front of me, this place is about to blow,
And I’m sorry for the collateral damage
but the world will be a better place.

facebook group!

Hey guys I now have a facebook group up and running

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/home.php?sk=group_107043662716601

or search "heartbeat in a pen" ! thanks guys.

Stay Gold

3/4/11
And you’re a blank canvas
and I won’t dare make a mark on you,
But you say I already have made more than one,
And I won’t dare make you as dark as me,

I’ve secrets you have no part in knowing,
I’ve been places you shouldn’t roam in,
I’ve got secrets inside this chest that
would strip you off all your beautiful innocence,
And I won’t be the one to...

And you’re a blank canvas
and I wouldn’t touch you if you didn’t ask,
But you asked and I couldn’t help but just run
my fingers ever so gently across you,

And now you’re pulling at my heart
for all the secrets you know I’m keeping,
You’re begging to pull my ribs right apart,
But you don’t realise you’re compromising all your
beautiful innocence, and I won’t be...

I won’t be the one to...

If only you’d never, if only I’d been able to,
If only you’d never, if only Id been able to,
If only you’d never, if only I’d been able to
say no,
But the truth is I’m attracted to what I don’t have
and that’s where your purity comes in and I would rather break
your heart than your gold, stay gold,
But the truth is opposites attract
and that’s where your purity comes in and I would rather break
your heart than your gold, stay gold,

I’ve secrets you’ve no place knowing,
I’ve been places you shouldn’t roam in,
I’ve got secrets inside this chest
that would strip you of all your beautiful innocence,
And I promised myself
I wouldn’t be the one to strip you of all your...

But you’re pulling at my shirt,
And you’re reaching into my heart again
and I want so desperately for someone to know me,
But I won’t be the one to kill you,
And you’re pulling at my chest again,
And you’re reaching deep inside again
and I want so desperately for you to know me,
But I won’t be the one to kill you,

I’d sooner break your heart than splinter your gold,
stay gold, promise me, stay gold.

3/4/11
Ok, calm down, calm down,
Your hearts going a little too fast,
Ok, breathe now, breathe now,
Your heart will slow down,
You’re not dying, just breathe out.

Ok, calm down, calm down
I know it’s unsettling,
But you just need to breathe now,
Breathe deep, breathe out,
You’re not going to die, I promise.

Oh my heart’s trying to run through my chest
straight to the outside, trying to get out
of my ears, of my head, out of my chest.

Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re hearts going a bit too fast,
But you’re in hospital now,
The best place to be, this will slow,
You’re not dying, just breathe now.

Ok, the tests are a good thing,
Better to know what’s wrong,
Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re working yourself up now,
Just calm down,
You are not dying, just breathe out.

Oh my heart’s trying to barrel through my chest
straight to the outside, trying to get out
of my ears, of my head, out of my chest.

Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re only twenty one,
Your heart beat is just strong,
But no that’s too fast,
and why do they look so worried?
Oh God, why do they have those looks
on their faces? Stop now, stop now.

Ok, calm down, you’re panicking now,
You’re only twenty one,
Nothing can be all that wrong,
Calm down, calm down, you’re
making it so much worse now,
Just breathe in and out and calm down.

Oh my heart is clawing at my ribs
just trying to make it out now,
I feel it in my ears, my chest, oh god,
just make it stop.

Ok, that’s good, calm down,
Just breathe in, hear the sound,
It’s starting to slow down
(Thank God)
Just keep on breathing
and stop looking at all the machines
every five minutes,
Ok, that’s good, calm down,
Just breathe in, hear the sound,
It’s starting to slow down
(Thank God)
Just keep on going now,

Let your eyes to rest, soon the feeling in your chest
will fade slowly, but fade surely,
Just let your eyes rest as you feel the hammering in your chest
start to fade slowly, but fade surely,
Just let your eyes to rest for a moment,

And just calm down.

3/4/11
You only get one lousy body so you better treat it right,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it and it can put up quite the fight,
You only get one lousy body so you better treat it right.

This body I mistreated, this body I have neglected,
This body and now I’ll pay for all my mistakes
as my heart beats out of rhythm.

You only get one lousy life so you better get it right
pretty quick because if you don’t you’ve got quite the fight
on your hands, so you better get this life just right
first time

This life I mistreated, this life I have neglected,
This life and now I’ll pay for all my mistakes
as my mess grows around me.

You only get one vessel to live in so you better treat it nice,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it exactly right,
You only get the one vessel to live in so you better treat it nice,

And I didn’t treat myself real nice,
I always am angry at myself
So I put my body and my mind
through hell time and time,
again. And I didn’t treat my body
real nice so now I am paying the price,
And I didn’t treat my mind real nice
an d there too I am paying the price,

Yeah you only get one lousy body so you better treat it right,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it and it can put up quite the fight,
But you only get one, just one of them so you better get this right.

3/4/11
Oh God I can see the light, won’t you just let me out?
For a day or for an hour? To just get some sun on my skin,
It’s becoming so sour, so pale and god let me out for just an hour.

Oh God, I see the light shining through, the light I haven’t
seen for months, you locked me down here with a clue,
I’ve gone missing and no-one’s asking...

I spent the first month just screaming for my life
‘til my throat was scarred and my lungs worn out,
I spent the first month just screaming for my life
until I accepted that now this is ... my life.

Oh God, I wrench the door again and again but I
can’t find my way out, lights out, just let me out
for an hour or two, to just get some sun on my skin,
to just let me breathe some fresh air again.

It’s getting so stale in here, it’s been forever now,
And I can’t find any weakness in these walls,
I see the hidden eye-hole you look through,
And have I told you lately I think you’re disgusting?

And when he opens the door and I see the light for just a second,
I make a run for it but it shuts before I even get to glimpse...
And when he opens the door and the light burns my eyes,
I stumble but I just can’t make it before...

His hand comes down upon my face again,
I haven’t stopped trying,
His hand comes down...again,
I won’t ever stop trying,

I shout again and again but to no avail,
I shout over and over but it’s all in vain,
I scream again and again and again.

I was meant to live a life not a nightmare,
And God, if you were true would you really let this happen?
I was meant to live a life not a nightmare,
And God, if you were true would you really let me crumple,
fold and give in?

Well you don’t’ just look in through it, I look out too
at the rest of the world turning and turning and I wonder
why didn’t anyone ask whatever happened to my body?
What are the stories that have been fabricated for my disappearance,
And how I hope someone knows and is still looking
but I fear down here is my home and I’ll never be saved,
Not ever...be saved,

But I will make a run or stumble for it every time that he opens the door,
I won’t give in, my family is out there grieving somewhere,
And some days I fold, cry in a corner,
But I’ll keep fighting and I don’t care how often

his hand comes down upon my face again,
I won’t stop trying,
his hand comes down...again,
I won’t ever stop trying,

And I think he’s starting to see my determination,
And Oh God, this is starting to get desperate,
You see he’s getting buckets of water and filling up this well,
It’s up to my ankles now, Oh God get me out,
I write this on the wall but the water is beginning to strangle my neck,

I should have just given up, at least I would have lived,
I wonder as I begin to drown will they find my body now?
And become all confused, open up a closed case,
‘Cause what are the lies that they believe about me?

I can swim but I cannot hold my breath for long,
I can swim but I cannot see the light and I struggle
with the handle but it just won’t snap open,
I can swim but I cannot hold my breath much longer,
I can swim but I cannot find anything weak in the walls
and I really think that this is probably it,

I angered him too much or maybe just enough
for now I get relief from this horrible place,
I hope I don’t go to Hell because I feel I’ve
already lived it here but the things he made me do
will probably land me there, anyway,
I hope I don’t go to Hell because I’ve
already lived it through but the things he made me do
have probably reserved me a space,

Oh god, this is it, get me out of this mess,
Oh god, I’ve been praying, you’ve been saying
everything happens for a reason, but it’s been seasons,
Oh god, this is it, get me out of this mess,
Oh god, I’ve been praying and you’ve been making
excuses, I don’t think you’re true,
Oh god, this is it, my head is going under,
this body will come out mangled because he’s not finished
with me yet, oh god, this is your last chance,

Get me out of this mess,
I pray one last time in vain.

3/4/11
You think I fit into this little hole you dug all for me, how sweet,
Well I fell in and I couldn’t jump out, it was all dug out too deep,
You think this is where I belong because one size fits all,
But this is my life and there is no blanket rule,
Because no two people have the same DNA,
And no two people experience everything the same,

You think I fit into this little hole you dug all for me, well how sweet,
Well this is me climbing out and I can see you panicking,
I am individual and I am not the same as hundreds of other people
even if they might have felt the same way,
It is all about perception and emotions,
And no two people share the same shape of tears,

Well I don’t fit in this little hole you dug just for me,
Well I don’t fit under this stupid blanket,
You dug out a hole and then covered it up – a trap,
And you caught hundreds, even thousands,
But I throw always throw a rock first, so you’ll never get me,

You got me once and it took me so long to climb out,
I won’t put myself in that situation again, I swear
I’m done with labels and diagnoses that just paint out
the way I should act, the way I should feel,
Because no two people deal with situations exactly the same,
And despite what they say sometimes it’s time to change,

Well you dug me this beautiful tight little hole,
It was so comforting standing shoulder-shoulder
with all these people who felt like I did,
who thought like I did, who were just like me,
But now I can see the truth, nobody is just like me,
And that’s not a scary thought anymore – just a true one,
And that’s not a scary thought anymore – but a freeing one,

There is no blanket rule because we’re not all the same,
There is no one size fits all because this is just the game
of life, and if you give in you lose and if you put up,
you fight and you might have to fight your whole life
but it’s better than being in a box shoulder-shoulder
And I could hardly breathe.

28/3/11
Oh you ventured out and I know you’re so scared of the dark,
But that doesn’t mean I appreciate you disturbing my grave,
Yeah you dug and dug and dug ‘til your shovel hit my head,
Woke me up from the nicest nap I’ve ever had, now why
would you go and do that? Wake me up from the nicest nap...

Oh you dragged my body up out of my final resting place,
Oh you cut my wrist open, to see me bleed? I’ve got nothing
left, yeah then you cut your own open and held it to mine,
I swear I’ll kill myself if you bring me back to life, I swear,
now why would you go and do that? Wake me up from the nicest nap...

Oh you made an incision in your own chest, yeah I can see
everything, death just means that I cannot speak or yell,
What are you doing? Bandage up, go home and sleep, but you
cannot hear me, only I can hear me. Well you made an incision
and then you went awfully deep, now why would you wake me up
for this? Why would you go and do that? Wake me up from the nicest nap...

Don’t you know the guilt I already feel? Now don’t you dare
go any deeper, I cry as you ignore my noiseless screams,
And you dig in real deep, pull out half your heart and still it beats,
But why would you do this? Maybe you just want to have a nice long nap...

Oh you dragged me up here for this and I think I knew
from the second I heard your footsteps up above me but I
was in denial, nothing has really changed, but bandage up,
go home and sleep and let me get back to my beautiful nap,
Why would you do this? Why would you disturb the dirt for this?
Woke me up from the nicest nap I ever had, and if you resurrect me,
I swear I’ll,

And so made an incision in my disgusting chest, swept off
all the worms and maggots, oh god, the creak of my ribs
is like a banshee’s scream, why are you doing this? Don’t
you get it? As you remove my heart and replace it,
I’m not a car, more than the engine is gone, don’t you know
I’m not for repair? You see when they bury you underground
it’s meant to send the message that I’M DEAD! Don’t you dare,
but you did dare...

And god, how dry my throat is, and oh god, this can’t be happening,
And god, how dry my mouth is and how cracked my skin is,
And oh how disgusting my eyes feel and how I can’t believe,
And oh god, how did you let this happen again?
I can’t believe I’m back in the land of the living,

Oh I was having the nicest nap and the most beautiful dream,
I was dreaming nothing and it was serenity,
Oh I was having the longest nap and the most beautiful dreams,
I was dreaming nothing and it was golden,

I can’t believe you woke me up for this, I know you were
lonely but you had no right to disturb the site of my body,
This is why I left because I couldn’t make my own decisions
and you just proved me, you just affirmed the reason why I left,

And I said I swear I will, and now I’m in your basement,
And I’ve emptied an entire can upon myself,
No body to put to rest, no body to bring to life,
And now I’m about to light a match – just thought I’d say

how dare you, and that’s all, how dare you,
Well this time there will be nothing to wake up,

Try put my ashes back together but I burnt off my hand first,
And I hid it far from you so I’ll never be whole again,

Yeah I’ll never be whole again, and I can’t believe you
woke me up for this, I can’t believe this happening,

Well here goes nothing and that’s all I’ll be.

25/3/11
Oh how I lie on the ocean floor,
my beautiful watery grave,
And just stare up at the distorted sky
through the ripples I see the stars,

And that’s the synapse between who I am and who I want to be.

Oh how it is a joke they attached
gills before dropping me to die,

And now I spend every day just staring
up at the blanket of stars above me,

Wishing I...

And that’s the synapse between who I am and who I want to be.

It’s like I’m in the past,
on my back again with all these shells poking my skin,
It’s like I’m in the past,
unable to defend myself and breathing quickly again,
It’s like I’m in my past,
just suffocating slowly, just focusing on that one point
and waiting for all of this to be over,

And I stare up at the bright light that the stars shine,
amazing how it filters through all the ripples,

And that was my future until my past happened,
And then, branded at four, a failure, I was doomed,
And that was my future until my past took place,
And then, branded at four, a waste of space, I was...
And that’s the synapse between who I am and who I want to be,
The synapse between what my past created and my future held for me.

And then I remember the stars only shine because of their pasts,
for most of the stars in this galaxy no longer even exist,
It’s just the light of their lives, of their pasts, what made them to be,
And then I remember the stars only shine because of their pasts,

And I will crawl into some elastic, stretch it real far back,
Go shooting the ocean until...

I fall back onto the floor,

And I will crawl into some elastic, stretch it real far back,
Go shooting out of the ocean until...

I fall back through the ripples,

And I will crawl into some elastic, stretch it real far back,
Go shooting through the sky until...

I fall back through the air and water,

But I will crawl back into some elastic,

The synapse between who I am and who I want to be,
will one day be shortened considerably,
perhaps the ocean floor will even shake the sky’s hands
one day.

25/3/11
Oh God I think it’s time to dial,
Oh God, I think this is it,
Oh God I can barely here the sirens.

I have never been one for physical pain,
I used to thank God for painless pills,
They would just knock me out, put me to sleep -
just knock me out, put me to rest,

But when I get in an emotional frenzy
the pain seems to just fade away
with the urge to just see some blood,
Just let me bleed out, let me bleed,

Oh God, I think I need stitches,
Oh God, this is going to scar,
Oh God I can hardly see your figure,

Once I took pills but I woke up even sadder
than I had been upon shoving them
down my throat, not to mention the guilt -
she was there all night, not sleeping,

Emergency rooms are hardly the place
for me yet I felt more at home
with all the beeping, oh the fast beating
of my heart really worried the doctors,

Oh God, she’s losing consciousness,
Oh God, her heart is racing,
Oh God she’s passing out again,

But now I know for pain and blood -
a knife,
And for the very last of my days -
the painless pills,

Oh God, I think it’s the poisons line again,
We really should put them on speed dial,
Oh God, I think this time is the end,
Oh God, I can barely hear the sirens,

Oh God, how did it come to this again,
When I thought I promised myself
to just keep on fighting, but that bottle
was too close, Oh God look at what I hid
under my jumper, looks like I’ll need stitches too
if I decide to live through this,
Oh God let me go, won’t you let me go?

Oh God I think I might need some help.

25/3/11
The gap between the person I am
and the person I want to be
is gaping like the
old scar I just reopened,

I can see the place but it’s awful cloudy,
I can feel the hands starting to cover my eyes,
I can feel the blood rushing faster.

I just want to be something that
is not this empty suffering shell
that just keeps it’s mouth
stapled shut, how this hurts,

When I do speak I rip open the staples,
And the blood just starts rushing in a different place,
Oh, God, all this blood is just making me dizzy.

The gap between the person I am
and the person I will never be
is gaping like the
cut I just made,

You better call the hospital,
I better get stitches,
You better call the doctor,
I better be watched.

Oh God, all this blood is hurting my head.

I just want to be a person who deserves to live,
I just want to be the person I see in my mind,
I just want to be the person who wants to live,
I just want to be a person who is unashamed
of their past and unafraid of their future,

Oh, God get me out of this sick body,
this sick mind is like poison,

Oh god, the blood gushing out of my mouth
like the truth it stains your hands and you’ll
never forget the day you held me,
Oh God, the pain gushing out of my wrist
like the fear it stains your mind and you’ll
never forget the day you held me,

The day I realised the gap was too,
It’s like reaching from the ocean floor
to outer space and no-one has that much patience,
And I’ve stopped growing,
It’s like reaching from the ocean floor
to outer space and I have stopped growing
and I’ve lost all my patience.

24/3/11
Dear God,
whichever of the million God’s exist,
Could we make a deal, make a bargain?
I promise I’ll sell You my soul for this.

When the time gets close
and You’re ready to end my pain,
Do You think You could send me a sign,
some kind of message in the sky?
So that I can prepare and say goodbye,

Or so that I can live my last few days in absolute fear,
On second thoughts, this may be the brightest idea,
But I need to know when You know when my date is,
when my times up, I need to know when to bow out.
I need to know when to quench the fight,
I need to know when to follow the light,
I need to know when to knife my own sight,

Because God, I bet the date You have gives me more time
than the date that I have myself in mind.

But just in case, would You let me know?
Should I keep on trying or just begin to throw
away my determination, my motivation,
everything I have left to rest.

I promise if my soul exists I’ll sell You it
for all the answers and turn away the devil
at all times, could you show me bliss?
I’ve never seen it and I don’t believe it comes in ignorance,
Unless you’re ignorant that you’re ignorant that you’re...
You get the point? But I’m not ignorant that I’m ignorant,
I know I am and I need the answers,

God, I’m begging You on my knee’s
to just light up the sky on the day I’m to die,
And even then, You may not have to hold up
Your end of the bargain, because I know my date
will be so much sooner than Yours unless
You can really read my mind and I guess
if anyone could get me out of this, it would be You,
So God, either get me out of this,
Or let me in on the secret,

I swear I’ll do anything, anything at all.

God, let me in on the secret.

24/3/11
I would grab a shovel and dig
just to find out if Hell exists,
Well I guess, where do I go for this,
A graveyard seems appropriate,
And now I’m shaking dead bodies
and yelling at them, tell me what happened,
tell me what happens.
Because honestly I’ve had enough of this life,
And if there’s nothing I’d rather die,
But if there’s something I need to know,
Because all I want is nothing at all.

I hijacked a plane and tried
to shove it through the clouds
to the other side, is there another side
to all of this? I tried to fly towards
the moon but I could never
make it so high, and I’m screaming at clouds,
I’m going insane.

Because honestly I’ve had enough of this life,
And if there’s nothing I’d rather die,
But if there’s something I need to know,
Because all I want is nothing at all.

Met a man who said

‘I spent my days flying and digging,
I spent every day just searching,
And one minute I was young and able,
But now I can’t even see properly,
And I don’t have the strength to shake,
And I don’t have the strength to fly’,
So I met a man who said ‘

‘I spent my days flying and digging,
I spent every second just searching,

And now I’m still dying and I don’t have my answers,
And now I will die without any of my precious answers
and no life to look back on with joy’

And I don’t want to end up like that,
And I don’t want to spend my whole life
wishing I could die just to see the other side,
Because what if there’s nothing,
What if there’s something,

I’m doing it again,

And I don’t want to spend my whole life searching,
And I don’t want to spend my whole hating,
And I’ve been dying for years so I really need the answers,

But death is inevitable and I think I just need a bit of acceptance
and a whole lot of patience.

23/3/11
God I pray take the rope from my mind
God I pray let the pills find the bin
God I pray be a friend of mine
God I don't know what's left to say
So I pray

Because

I'm tired of just testing the waters
I swear I'll jump in headfirst
This time I won't wake

These are the thoughts I'm having
And now they're yours

Will you save me if I pray?

I guess now is the l o n g wait.

23/3/11
It’s like trying to light a cigarette
in the wind,
Eventually I’ll get this...
And then comes the rain.

23/3/11
I’m the poem you don’t want to read,
I’m the friend you’re too tired to call,

I will drag you right down to the depths of this.

I’m the writer you wish you never discovered,
I’m the night you wish you could erase.

I will drag you right down to the depths of this.

I’m the friend you forgot to go and see,
I’m the mistake you made with a simple wave.
I will drag you right down to the depths of this.

I’m the artist whose gallery will hurt your eyes,
I’m the artist who turns everything into lies,
I’m the poet who can write a thousand words
but can’t speak even one of them aloud.

And I am depression nestled deep inside the heart of a poet

who you are just too scared to befriend,
Because you don’t know how soon will be the end.

23/3/11
I am a mere speck in time,
One star in a very full sky
And it kills me – I need to be more
than someone who will just be forgotten.

I am always trying to find
a constellation but I am always

turned away as they shoot off
in all directions,

That’s right - every shooting star is running from me.

I am a mere speck in time,
One lonely star in a too-full sky.

And it kills me – I need to be more
than a simpleton who will just be forgotten.

I am always searching but
only ever finding big holes

to sink right through and I
become so small,

That’s right - every hole was dug and laid in by me.

I am a mere speck in time,
One pathetic star in a crowded sky,
I can’t ignite my light
to even be seen,
If I have to be a stupid star
I’d at least like to be seen,
But I am one
lonely
stupid
pathetic
star
who cannot even ignite enough to be seen,

That’s right I’m one crippled dark star,

And I’ve tried so many times to launch,

But I’ll never shoot through to the heavens,
Yeah that;s where there all going – didn’t you know?
And I’ll never shoot through to the heavens,
I’ll just be left here, ‘til the end time I’ll be alone,

On the darkest night I still cannot be seen.
I’ve tried and I’ve tried to ignite my bright,
But there’s nothing there, there’s nothing
here. This star has no heart left.

23/3/11

Before I found the world, the world existed,
When I leave the world, the world will still exist,
We think the world is a part of us but really
we are a part of the world.

Before I ever blinked, the world had wars,
After I don’t breathe, the world will have more,
We think history is a part of us but really
we are a part of history.

Before I ever was and after I’ll ever be,
This world will be here for all to see,

with or without me.

23/3/11

Well aren’t things beginning to look bad when time
seems to be driving even the stars to suicide,
And we can feel it all the way down on earth,
Observing changing behaviours
as even the moon questions his worth
but hasn’t he heard of the lunacy theories?
Oh someone give him a pill to feel less dreary,

He’s going to need it for this next scene
as the entire sky is beginning to open,

Well things sure are beginning to look hard
when all the twinkle has gone out of each and every star,
And we can feel the vibes way down here,
observing reckless behave ours
as even the sun begins to shed a tear,
He hasn’t seen such a horrible mess
since, well nothing has been worse than this,

Well things are sure starting to look desperate now,
And the shooting stars are igniting fires,
And in panic the people run all around
looking for some kind of dark within the light,
And the sky is truly falling down,

A constellation gathers when one star dies
just a funeral for close family and friends,
A constellation forms when another star
commits suicide.

Well things sure at ending real grim
the man in the moon cannot muster the slightest grin,
Hell he can’t even turn that frown upside down,
And the people are still panicking,
Digging holes all through the ground,
‘Cause the stars are digging black holes
and it really seems there’s no hope,

We’re all just stars trying to dig through to something,
Our problems ignite us and we shoot through the sky
and we just try not to land and light tool many fires,
We’re all just stars trying to dig through to anything,
We’re all just watching as the world falls apart,
We’re all just hoping that all this time of shining
is enough to get us into a better place,

We’re all just hoping when we die
we live on as long as the light
from each and every star.

21/3/11
I am
broken
I get on my
knee’s
I pray to a
GOD
who lives above
me

I am
broken
I’ve been on my
knee’s
I’ve prayed to a
GOD
who doesn’t live above
me

I am
broken
I am

alone

I have crushed everything
I have ever known
I am broken
And I am alone
and now I
hang
here

alone.

21/3/11
I am

different

that is to say,
I’m not the same
as everyone else
playing this game,

I am missing
pieces of the puzzle
they were all born
with in their hand,
their hearts,

But I am

different

that is to say,
I’m not the same
as those around me
and it’s you I blame,

You make me

different

You take pieces at a time,
You poison my body,
You ruin my mind,

You are the toaster and I am the knife,
Just trying to clean things but you mess my life,

I am

different

Pray

21/3/11
I just had my first shower in days
because I’ve been lying here in a daze,
But a daze sounds too cheerful
and this is a little more grave,
Before I get too lost in my old ways
I guess it’s time to get on my knee’s
and really start to pray.

18/3/11
I stand on my porch and I retreat
from that first step, I am beat
because the bottom one seems to lead
straight to Hell, yet at the same time
I’m backing right into it in the shape
of my front door, I won’t get any further today.

I’m tired and I’m broken and screw structure,
I can’t find it in life – why should I find it in rhyme?

Outside holds fear and I hate the sound of my cry,
Inside holds my worst enemy – I keep running back to
the bottle that made me feel this way,
A vicious cycle is such an understatement.

I retreat further and further,
I recede further and deeper,
I isolate more and more,
I retreat further and further,

I stand on my porch chain smoking
because it’s better than anything
my head is telling me to do -
at least this way the death is slow,

I’m not old enough to feel so much,
I’m not young enough to find innocence,
I’m in some kind of purgatory
between my front door and those steps
I won’t take, I’m in some kind of internal Hell,

I retreat further and further,
I recede further and deeper,
I isolate more and more,
I recede so deep into myself,

I’m scared the only reason I’m alive is because this heart is beating,
And I hate the sound of my own breath coming in and out,
I’m scared the only reason I’m alive is the rise and fall of my chest,
And I hate the sound of my own living,

I recede deeper into myself.

16/3/11
BEAUTIFUL BRUTE.

Like a snarling dog, you can see his teeth twenty four seven,
Because he’s always angry no matter how much he has,
He’s mad because there’s not enough, he’s mad when there’s too much,
He can’t find a reason to relax but he’s constantly chasing it
with his best friend, the bottle.

Like a bear caught in a trap, you can see the pain twenty four seven,
Because he’s always in such agony despite the so called relief,
He’s hurting because he can’t run and when he runs he trips over his own feet,
He can’t find a reason to really try but he’s constantly chasing sanity
with his best friend, the bottle.

Like a once innocent pup, he has grown into such a beautiful brute,
Because his anger and his pain drives him to do things he never thought,
His hands begin to vent right on her face and as he runs he kicks up dirt in her face,
He can’t find a reason to stop his only true relief but he’s constantly chasing
the innocence he once had

with his best friend,
with his worst enemy,
the bottle.

9/3/11

The Wave That Drowned.
I want so desperately to be the waves
so I could crush you with my words,
But you are like the synchronised fish
that does back flips right through me,

And I must be the weakest wave in the sea
because I am just always breaking for you.

I want so desperately to have some power,
I hold on so tight to so many things,
But they all seem to know how to swim
and how the hell does a wave come to drown?

And I must be the weakest wave in the sea
because I can feel my own limbs breaking for you.

I crave so desperately to be the waves
so I could make an impact on your life,
But you are so like a sailor in a storm,
Experienced and determined, a hero
right until the end when, a hero right
until the end when we find out,

And I must be the weakest wave in the sea,
Started off gathering and growing but whatever
I do I seem to end up underwater,
How the hell does a wave come to drown?

I tried to drown you I admit, I tried,
I tried to take you down, I admit, I tried,
I wanted you out of the picture,
But now the foam paints your face
time again and again and again,
I tried to rid myself of you
But for such a small fish you sure keep up a pace,
But for such a small fish you sure know how to catch up,
Since when is the fish stronger than the wave?

And now I will drown myself, this could get tricky,
And now I will drown myself for I failed,
So now I will...

With the shore so distant, I,
With the shore a speck, I
With the shore out sight, I

die.

28/3/11
What would you say if I said
the sky is an illusion above our head,
It is merely a blanket to cover the heavens,
So we can’t see what we’re going to get
until we’re dead...

And this being the case, we’re all treating
the dirt like a trampoline to get just a glimpse,
That’s why we bury the dead underground,
pretending we’re not in on the secret,

But either the springs give in and you sink
right through to Hell, or the springs
are your friend and you get just a glimpse

before you’re left in the ground, just bouncing
up and down but never really settling,
Is this what they call limbo? Is this what they
call purgatory?

So then who is it that weighs our hearts and decides,
Is it the worms that feed on our dead bodies
sending messages, maybe it’s the taste
and maybe worms really have a purpose,

The only truth I know is the sky is a blanket
covering the heavens and if so, this dirt’s
springs better not give in any time soon,
But really, how long can a trampoline last?

One day, will we all go to Hell, no questions
asked, and then we’re all in a rush to beat that day,
No wonder there are so many suicides these days,
All trying to get into heaven or more so all trying
to stay out of Hell,

what if under that blanket of stars lies Hell?
We got it all mixed around and the heaven
is below, and the Hell is above, but how
will we ever know while we’re alive?

We won’t.

24/3

24/3/11
I cannot get out of bed
to even eat
to just shower
to even live
to just breathe
some different air.

Because the air in here is
getting musty
feeling full
getting suffocating
feeling unclean
just like my body.

I cannot get out of my head
to just think positive
to just move forward
to just not cry for one day
to just think differently.

Because I’m breathing in
all this negativity
all this wrong
every mistake
that I revisit while I lie here,

Just staring at the ceiling,
Just doing absolutely nothing
and filling my time with it,
Just feeling awfully lousy
and filling my time with it,
Just feeling like I wish the ceiling
would cave in,
And take me with it.

14/3/11

14/3/11

I’ve lost my drive -
my weak feet
are on the pedals
but the engine
is not running.

I pump and pump,
I’ve slept and slept,
Trying to renew,
Trying to refresh
the drive I not so long ago had,
But I can’t find it,
And I can’t weep
because I refuse to be that weak.

I pump and pump
until my feet blister,
Trying to fight,
Trying to hear whispers
of the drive I not so long ago had,
But I can’t see it,
And I can’t weep
because I swear not to be that weak.

Double standards I create
will kill me, that I know,
I am just not sure I care,
The things I have done,
Sure I will reap what I sow,
And all of this, I know,
I am just not sure I care,

I stand, I sit, I sit some more,
I lay down staring at the door,
But I can’t quite mould my hand
to the door that I can no longer understand
So I sit, I sit and I sit some more.

I’ve pumped and pumped,
Hell, I’ve slept and slept,
Trying to renew,
Trying to refresh,
The whole time simply begging

for death.

Beautiful Boy, Mark.

4/5/11
Beauty boy, Mark.
(Dedicated to Mark Priestley)

Beautiful boy, telling eyes
with a crystal clear smile
etched deep in all our minds,
I remember,

We remember.

I wish I could throw my hands into the ground,
find your body, breathe your air back,
But I cannot save you, they cannot save you,
nobody can save you now,
So I will save myself instead.

I will save myself.

Contagious smile baby boy,
keep your head up they said,
baby boy, keep up the chin,
Contagious smile baby boy,
I hope you’re pain is gone.

I know you’re pain is gone.

I promise you your smile will go on
but your sadness won’t,
A lasting smile - if only
you knew your sadness would pass,
You would still... but you’re not,
So I will save myself instead,

I will save myself.

I promise you taught me,
I promise you taught me
I remember.

I know your smile is here with me,
I know your beauty boy,
And so I know mine,
I know your beauty boy
that you couldn’t see,
I know your beauty boy
it’s crystal clear to me.

Curiousity killed the...

Am I on my way to the white pearl gates?
Well, I guess we all kind of are.

Since the time of birth we make a course
forever towards the sky.

We get struck down by lightening
if we make one bad move.

Whatever happened to forgiveness?

And do the dead do the same?
Do they dream of being alive again?

And so is being alive not being dead,
And being dead not being alive?

Is it as simple?

Oh, sometimes I get so curious
I stare at knives.

It’s lucky there are people in those cars
or I might be so selfish to the shells.

Oh, sometimes I get so curious.

Can't beat 'em, join 'em.

This is dated as the twenty first
but by the time I’ve finished it will be the twenty second,
Three short minutes it takes me to write this,

Isn’t time a funny thing?
It moves so quickly except when you’re waiting,
Isn’t time a funny thing?
It moves so slowly especially when you’re wishing,

I’ve been trying to haul up all my old clocks
with an old grappling hook but they just keep slipping out
their little wings moving so damn quickly.

Now it’s the twenty second,
And there jumps another suicidal clock as I write,
Three seconds and he’s dead like that,

Isn’t time a funny thing?
It moves so quickly except when you’re waiting,
Isn’t time a funny thing?
It moves so slowly especially when you’re wishing so hard...

And they’re jumping out quicker than I can pull
them up and this is a bloody tragedy, so many suicidal
clocks just trying to fly out my window,
This is a tragedy, next thing I know it will be my calendar,
I can see the holes he’s making on the wall
as he edges towards the door,
Hell I’ll nail you down with bricks, I swear,
Don’t you try going anywhere,
Hell if you can’t beat them, join them,
I spread my arms real wide.

You Were The Dark

You didn’t fill the dark -
you encouraged it.

You didn’t find the light -
you turned it off.

You weren’t the sun -
you closed the curtains.

You didn’t find the emergency generator,
You blew out every single candle,
So I would be in such need,
And there you kept me,

In the dark.

You didn’t fill the dark -
you ignited it.

I scaled the walls for years -
to find the switch.

I was always trying to peek -
through the gap.

I wanted to find just a tiny bit of light,
But how on earth could I with you,
You stood in front of the sun,
So only shadows could live on.

Insane

I’ve heard word insanity is
doing the same thing
over and over and over
and expecting a different result

so why do I keep on breathing?

I’ve heard voices in my head
saying the same thing
over and over and over
and know just how I will react

so why bother with the orders?

I’ve heard questions in circles
chasing one another
over and over and over
and never finding an answer,

so just why do I ask when I know

the important question is;
am I crazy? I sure don’t feel sane,
so I must be insane.

Never Die

You live on inside our hearts,
You will never truly die.

Thank god for memories.

Nothing in this world
ever truly dies
if we never forget,
We can keep everyone
alive.

You live on inside our hearts,
You will never truly die.

Never Die

You live on inside our hearts,
You will never truly die.

Thank god for memories.

Nothing in this world
ever truly dies
if we never forget,
We can keep everyone
alive.

You live on inside our hearts,
You will never truly die.

end

9.2.11
I wake from a hazy dream
and see a transparent image
float in front of my eyes – I put
feet on cold floor and in a trance,
I follow, I follow to the door,
I follow out the door, I follow to
the end of everything,

Flames and wind whip all around,
tree’s and clouds alike,
Burning to the ground,
the end of everything has come,

I pinch myself – a nightmare
perhaps but the pain tells
me it’s not, the end of the world
is halfway through, I cower,
I whimper, a true coward,
I recoil into my head and pretend
like I’m not all alone,

I always knew I would die alone
at the end of something,
The waves are crashing,
but they’re flame resistant.

I don’t bother to scream,
I just wrap my arms around myself,
I just pretend I’m not alone,
I don’t bother to run,
The quicker the less painful,
Unless I too am resistant…

And it turns out I see the entire world
turns to smithereens, and I am truly alone,
As I look at what’s left – nothing at all

but me.

Dragging Back A Hallucination

7/2/11

I held my breath until you came back,
Then I could finally breathe again.

How did I live without breathing?
I think your heart did the beating.

I don’t know how I’ve survived
without your whispers in my ear,
“I’ll always be here, in a year,
in forever and beyond”.

I am just trying to drag back my hallucination,
I am just trying to drag you back into my vision
in desperation.

You’ve never been far away,
All I need is a canvas from eyelids.

I don’t know how I’ll survive
without your whispers in my ear
“I’ll always be here, in a year,
in forever and a day’.

I can’t see you – it kills me, I close my eyes
and run my hands through the air,
And I tell myself I can feel every hair
sticking up on the back of your neck,
Identical to mine because for someone
who doesn’t exist you feel so close,

You feel so close.


I have just dragged back my favourite hallucination,
I have just dragged you back into my vision again
in desperation.

I may grit my teeth but I get lonely too,
I may hold my breath but I get lonely too.

What Goes Down Must Come Up

What goes down must come up
in the most disgusting way,
This robs all our left over dignity,
As I roll around in the gutter
just laughing, just crying
at the insanity of this disease.

What goes down must come up
in the most terrifying way,
This robs all our left over spirit,
As I roll through another alley
just laughing, just crying
at the insanity of this disease.

What goes down must come up
through the throat
and off the tongue,
Legs in an embrace,
such a sick picture.

What goes down must come up
in the most horrible way,
This robs all our everything,
As I stop rolling – a standstill
just laughing, just crying
at the insanity of this disease,

What goes down must come up
and this disease will ease
or I will die by my own hand,
What goes down must come up
and this disease must ease
or I will surely die alone.

Counting

4/2/11
Counting quickly in my head,
Squeezing my eyes shut,
My hands play with the niche’s
in the walls, pinning myself down,
I breathe out through my nose,
And I rely on the air in my lungs,
And I am trying to teach them
to hold on a little longer,
Forgetting how not to breathe
is so against human nature.
And time’s up! So quickly
an icy chill greets my scalp
as I finally break the surface.

Counting

4/2/11
Counting quickly in my head,
Squeezing my eyes shut,
My hands play with the niche’s
in the walls, pinning myself down,
I breathe out through my nose,
And I rely on the air in my lungs,
And I am trying to teach them
to hold on a little longer,
Forgetting how not to breathe
is so against human nature.
And time’s up! So quickly
an icy chill greets my scalp
as I finally break the surface.

a little more lighthearted...

3+4/2/11
Poetry ringing in my head
Why is ever poet
I love dead?

The poets of the time
of thy, thee and wilt
Left us huge shoes to fill.

The ink were wetter,
The words so clever,
so so much better,
A style recaptured never!

Huge feet and feather pens
The library of poets will never end
They will forever leave a challenge

The time of such rhyming
such impeccable timing
the time of why’ing,
will never die.

Poetry ringing in my head
why is every poet
I love dead?
The answer is – the old stuff is the best!

errrrrrrrrr untitled

The angels sing my name
over again and again
The angels say my name.

They flew right after me,
I went running
for answers
“God, I asked for a sign
before this happened, you
bastard, I asked for help
and yeah, I saw you,
I saw your back real clear’

Into my mind, I ran
down the steps of
a garden I didn’t recognise,
It was dying quickly,
And flames exploded
behind me as I went,

There came a beach,
“I can’t burn water”, I yell
in victory moments before
the water begins to bubble,
It’s boiling, would you believe
this?

I dig right past my ear,
And my hands, covered in blood
But I’m so desperate I don’t care,
I dig at an angle now,
Just trying to get deeper and deeper
into my head,

I blocked my ears but I can still hear the horrid screeching
as the angels scream-sing now my name,
I blocked my ears but I can still hear the tortured screaming
as the angels get their punishment
for not killing me quickly,

I am so scared, I’m sorry you got hurt
but I am so scared of death I’d probably
kill you to spare myself,
My hands, covered in insides,
continue to dig, so urgently,
With such urgency, I scream to the sky,
“You said you’d give me time
to try and make things right,
You liar, you bastard, you said...”

Then I stopped digging, I stopped
and stared and stared at the beautiful
man who sat there,
He looked so peaceful and everything stopped
burning and all of a sudden it was raining,

I jumped into this man’s eyes as I felt
the heat burning my body but somehow
he whispered “Finally, I am warm,
your heat is burning up all my cold,
Oh a God must truly exist”

And I whispered “Your faith is
restored so easily? You are
putting out my flames, and how
much this feels like...”

“Destiny” we say together,

The angels chorus still sings with urgency not one but two names,
The angels chorus still sings with pain not one but two names,

And we turn to one another,
whispering “your name must be”
whispering “your name must be”

And tightly I hold his hand,
And I turn to him and I say
“Is this real? Do you exist?
I dug so deep inside my head,
Are you a figment of my imagination?
Worse, am I a figment of yours?”

“Well, does it really matter now?
Either way, one of us will greet this not alone,
for it is both names the angels sing”

And the angels, with their new scars, swoop down on us,
And I am not lightly carried like a feather at all,
And the angels, with their new scars, swoop down on us,
And I can feel the strain in their wings,

As they carry me toward, toward,
Something.

Brother

2/2/11
Oh brother dearest, you have turned the sky on it’s head,
The heavy clouds pull our feet
And the rain is made up of dirt and concrete,
Oh dearest brother, you have forever shocked us,
From a place you cannot come back,
I hope that the Devil at least told you that,

Oh brother dearest, you have us spread so thin
it is as though we are the transparent
even though you are the ghost

and we cannot see you now,
and we don’t miss the fights,
and we don’t miss the stealing,
and we don’t miss the stench,
and we don’t miss the screaming,
and we don’t miss the chaos,

Overturned couches and shattered glasses,
Standing forever on our tiptoes,
But brother dearest, none of that was truly you,
We knew you hid inside the wrong body,
We knew the Devil had you tight,
So our little brother dearest,
it’s the real you we do miss.

Heart Beat In A Pen

1/2/11
My heart beats inside of a pen
which acts as a priest
as I confess every single sin.
I wrote so much that I can’t stop.

In my sleep, my body turns
and when I wake
the sheets are blue and black.

I wrote so much my blood turned to ink.

My body has turned into a pen
where my heart is
the whole truth, the ink.

There is nothing more honest than a poet
in his writing if you can unlock the lingo.

I never felt closer...

i dont really care if you like this, it;s one of my favourites, and i dont care if you dont get it. interpretation is a gift.

9/2/11
Hands on hands leads to entwine fingers,
I never felt closer until…
(It’s a pity this is a game inside my head)

Your warm cheek under my young palm
I never felt closer until…
(A game is too easy a word, let’s think)

You place your hands around my face,
those eyes could never fail
(A second reality may suit this better)
Your breath is so close I taste it,
my shaking so visible
(A preferred reality may suit even better)

You tighten, your bottom lip rests on mine,
I never felt closer until….
(Oh, I pray let this be real)

Tastes just like gold, just like intimacy,
I never felt closer until…
(Oh, I beg let this be real)

And each one of your fingers is possessed
by an entire expedition
(I explore another reality that’s really not)

And your hair through my fingers feels,
I never felt closer until…
(I pray trick my eyes)

As I pull you closer, as you balance
your weight over my body,
those eyes could never fail

And then so gently you lower yourself,
I never felt closer until…
(I pray let me get confused)

Finally our tongues tie around one another,
I never felt closer until,
(Let me mix up my two worlds)

I beg let me get confused
(as your body covers mine)
I’m trying to talk myself into believing
(as your hand runs circles)
this is the real world and the other
(as your hair tickles my neck)
mundane, boring world is the
(as your breathing quickens)
fake.

Please deceive me into this.

I never felt closer until…

catharsis

pure catharsis. what would we do without art...DIE.


Well how am i feeling?
I'm not really sure, so
i'm trying to get words on the floor,

but my feet keep getting eggshells
and my toes are bleeding,
"Don't discuss" they whisper,
"just don't say a thing,
she's way too fragile for this".

Fragile? I'm kicking in doors,
And punching out walls,
i'll give you fragile in the shape
of five curled fingers

but my fingers keep finding blades
and my skin is ripping
"Don't notice"they whisper,
"just don't say a thing,
she must be angry about something"

Angry? I'm lying in bed crying
with covers - my only friend,
I'll give you angry in the shape
of falling tears

but my tears keep finding puzzles
and my head is spinning
"Don't try to figure it out,
just don't say a thing,
she wants to figure this out alone"

Alone? I'm locking doors,
You got that right - alone,
I'm afraid of death but i'm
terrified of life and i'm scared
if i don't get living i might die
all alone and unfulfilled,
But it's not the dying that frightens me
it's the what comes after,

So fragile? You got that right,
So angry? You got that right
So alone? You got that right.

And terribly confused,
And my conscience is abused,
And i feel I have no use,
So I go back to...

Well how am i feeling?
I'm not really sure,
So i hope to get some words on the floor,
to paint myself a picture to hang above the door,
to remind myself when i am low
of the art this hand can create.

The Effect Of Music

sometimes i read this and like it and sometimes i read it and hate it. eh. it was a first attempt with the language anyway.

4/2/11
Wouldst thou listen to a merry tune
and let thyself be flooded soon
with such emotion,
clap and a whack on the knee,
I wish I were as happy as thee.

Wouldst thou listen to a dreary rhyme
and let thyself be flooded in time
with such emotion,
tears and head in hands,
I wish I could make thee understand.

Wouldst thou listen to a love tune
then thine eyes shall soon
set upon and love within a blink.
For It is the tunes in thy ears
that determines whether
our hearts swell and burst
or our hearts whimper and cry
or our hearts dance
or our hearts wither and die
or our hearts take a chance
to feel a feeling not so induced.

Wouldst thou listen to no tune
And so get in touch with reality?

Dream Within A Dream Within A Nightmare

3/2/11

I had a dream
I had enough
I threw myself
in the path of a train
going at full speed
It’s not like this was a brand new idea.

I woke up terrified
and completely un-alive,
Well here I was, to learn the lies?
It seemed a place does exist
for those who no longer lived,
I am an apprentice guardian angel
helping people find their way and
Then I ask the forbidden question
“What about Hell, does it exist too?”

The answer grants me
in the form of a dream (within a dream)
Of fires, forks and burning tree’s,
Eyes that are so frightening
You strike yourself with lightening
just to learn you can never die
but you are forever un-alive
I ask myself if ever I would wake up
And on cue ends my unsatisfying nap.

I awake well alive
open my eyes
forget about all the exposed lies,
I proceed to the kitchen
And there it is, I remember
Drop the plate in my hand (crash)
fall, I can hardly stand,
I see Hell start to open up right before
me, right beneath my kitchen floor,


As I lean close,
The tiles burn up my toes
I jump on my bench writing a death note,
Now I sit here, with a pen
please tell me this is pretend,
Or will I sit here forever,
Oh, how long until never?
I sit just quivering, watching
just quivering, waiting.

Addiction

1/2/11
There is a war in my throat,
The bile versus the drink,
Up or down? Down or up?
Let’s go up, then down
and repeat. Get it out now
to just get it back in.

Addictions aren’t meant to make sense.

My entire mouth is a desert,
The roof like sandpaper,
Waiting for the drought
to end, when it rains
here it storms. A thunderclap
as my head hits the table.

Addictions are more than a weakness.

A hazy roof greets me upon waking,
My body is so much more than shaking,
Can I stand? Can I walk? I check
I am okay, I survived another day of this
harsh treatment,
And relief washes through as I fill
my throat with victory and let the cycle begin again.

There is a war in my throat,
The bile versus the drink,
Up or down? Down or up?
Let’s go up, then down
and repeat. Get it out now
to just get it back in.

Addiction is an impatient desert.

My Light And Dark

3/2/11
My light is finally getting a little watering
And my dark is so much more than envious,
My light is finally getting some spotlight
And my dark is always lurking backstage,

And when my light walks off stage,
My dark grabs her around the throat
and whispers ‘next time, half the time,
The way it’s always been, I know
there’s new management
and all these brand new plans,
But we all know who’s in charge here’
And he lets her go with a warning snarl.

Crying, she wails all night but I don’t know what to do,
Crying, she wails all night but I block my ears to the sound,
Crying, she wails all night but I don’t know how to comfort.

My light defies and continues to show
And my dark is growing so very distraught,
He’s so unused to being second best
And my dark is growing a little weaker,

Or am I growing a little stronger with a new torch here?
Or is this flame allowing the light to shine brighter?
Or am I growing a little courage with a newfound spirit?

And when my light walks off stage
And he grabs her again,
she wails loud enough for me to hear
And I come and I say
“Dark, back off, you might have had reins
for here quite a while
but I’m putting you in your place,
This isn’t right, it’s never been okay,
But now I’ve a voice of my own,
And I’m going to let my light show’.

the ending sucks but i'm working on it...

31/1/11
I went to sleep in my own life
And I woke up as Jesus Christ,

I took for granted my disciples,
Then Judas shoved me in the back,
I’l l admit a sin – I thought suicide could be nice,
You see this way of talking,
preaching some feel the need to call it
Is all simply an act – I am within each of you,

I have been hurt by a friend,
I have cried in wonder,
I have questioned the end,
I have made a thousand blunders,
I have felt sick at the thought
of what I must to do to make it right,

And I see them approach with nails,
And I feel no fear for I am fulfilling my destiny,
And I see them approach with nails,
Despite the pain I do smile at the blood,
For this is all for you,
For this is all for you,

And I wake up as myself again,
I almost forgot to breathe in my sleep,
Then I remembered it’s more than a dream.

Untitled

31/1/11
I sat in the ocean all night
the shower didn’t work
So I thought the sea might
clean my skin, let my skin be clean
for the first time since I were three

Oh, I want to be clear and clean,
Oh, I would like to be a little sane,
Oh, I wish I were three again,
I wish I had a shred of innocence,
I wish I had a little of the old me.

I stared at the stars all night
The praying didn’t work
So I thought a shooting star might
Bring my wish true, let my wish be free
for the first time since I were three.

Oh, I want to be free and open,
Oh, I would like to be a little sane,
Oh, I wish I were three again,
I wish I had a shred of innocence,
I wish I had a little less of a sin.

Well, that’s what soaps for,
I’ve lost layers of skin since then,
I am not at all the same,
The cells that were alive then are dead now,
I’ve lost layers of skin since then,
I am not at all the same.

Jesus Christ

28/1/11

Does Jesus regret it now?
Does Jesus see it as a waste of time?
‘Cause He died for our sins and here we are
all sinning once again, what a thank you gift
for three days dead, well that’s no big deal
that how I spend every weekend after a binge,
Why can’t I too be a God?

Does Jesus hold resentments
Have we made Jesus lose all interest?
‘Cause we’re no better than before He died,
in fact I’d say we’re probably worst,
And like a child we’ve thrown His attempts
back in His face, backs turned away,
Where the Hell is the faith?

Could I ask permission - could I die too,
Just for a few days to see what it was like?
They say no-one’s ever come back to tell us,
Well doesn’t that make Jesus seem so selfish,
He could have put all our minds at ease,
But now I sit here every night and wonder
why I’m alive but I’m too scared to die,
Well Jesus, I don’t want to defy my faith
‘cause I’m scared of lightning bolts from the sky,
But is that really a good enough reason
to try and believe?

Does Jesus really love us?
Or has Jesus seen more than enough?
‘Cause we are a selfish race with flaws,
I guess we do follow after him,
‘And none of us say please (save me),
And I thought ignorance was bliss, so
Why the Hell can’t I find it?

And I thought ignorance was bliss, so
why do I sit night after night
contemplating the afterlife?

Death

Death, do I float through the ceiling?
Do I sink through the floor?
Do I enter blackness?
Am I consumed by white?
I am so terrified of all the answers
but don’t you know secrets are bad for your health,
I guess as Death you don’t worry about that.
Well, can Death die?

Death, what about the soul?
And does the heart really live on?
There’s got to be a grain of truth
for the thought to have been born at all,
Everything but our spirit seems to regenerate,
The cells all divide and die and grow again,
Is the fact our heads stay the same
worth a slice of faith?

Death, I beg you do a Jesus experiment on me,
Let me die for just three days,
I swear I will keep all of your secrets,
I’ll even keep you company if it’s not too horrid,
Death, I beg you do a Jesus on me,
Let me die for just three days,
I swear I’m good at keeping secrets,
I’ll even stay with you if it’s not too scary.

Death, please address me the answers before my time,
Death, I know you know when that is, so
Death, have mercy and please address me the answers,
So I can have some kind of quality of life.

i miss you.

this is so fucking typical it's not funny but for some reason i like it XD ANGST.

26/1/11 I Miss You.

A typical ‘I love you’ song,
Yeah, get your bored ears on,
You think you’re doing me some good,
Ignoring every text and every call,
My insides feel all shuffled up
like the cards I’ll never fold for you,

I miss you baby,
I miss you,
There’s nothing else in this chorus
‘cause the verses say it all,
The most important line is this,
I miss you baby,
I miss you.

A typical ‘I miss you’ song,
Get your ‘heard it before’ ears on,
You don’t even think of me anymore,
Not bothering to reject every single call,
Just letting it float up over your head
like the love I have for you,

I miss you baby,
I miss you,
There’s nothing else in this chorus
‘cause the verses say it all,
The most important line is this;
I miss you baby,
I miss you.

A typical ‘slit my wrists’ song,
‘Cause ‘I miss the only girl’ song,
‘Poor me, pour me another’ song,
I’ll sing ‘til my lungs come up my throat,
Like the love that crushes my chest,

I miss you baby,
I miss you,
There’s nothing else in this chorus
‘cause the verses say it all,
The most important line is this;
I miss you baby,
I miss you.

Baby, I miss you,
I miss you.

Live On

14/1/11

Live On.
So I thought it was my hands
I didn’t realize the ghost of you,
My hands on the wheel but yours
appears to be gripping this too,

I thought I had a hold.

oh, you live on inside me,
directing my every move,
through all my nerves
I still feel the pain,
but oh, you live on inside me.

So whilst my hands balance
yours tighten their grip,
Thank god you are still here
so I can get through this,

So I can deal with anything.

oh, you live on inside me,
directing my every move,
through all my nerves
I still feel the pain,
but oh, you live on inside me.

Through your eyes sometimes I see
how I’ve evolved since you last saw me,
The pride, not pity that you now see,
It spurs me on now it seems.

Now I realize the last time you saw me is now.

oh, you are never far away,
oh, you do live on inside of me.

Up To Our Necks

14/1/11
This is all the way up to our necks now,
How the hell did it get so bad so fast?
I’ll swallow every drop to get it to ankle-deep,
At least I could walk a little step by step,

I feel my chest begin to tighten,
I feel the fear setting in,
I can tell there’s not long left now,
I will die well before my time
if I don’t stop saving everyone.

So this is up to your neck, not mine,
It’s just my hands that are reaching,
I don’t need to immerse myself once again,
At least one of us needs sanity.

I feel my chest begin to tighten,
I feel the fear setting in,
I can tell there’s not long left now,
I will die well before my time
if I don’t stop saving everyone.

But I held my breath again and I
dove headfirst again, and I pulled
your foot free and you floated towards
the surface, I stayed stuck in here,

I just didn’t care cause it meant you were free,
I would live forever down there if it meant
you’d be okay for a day, I just didn’t care
that the plant grabbed my leg and I’m
running out of breath.

I feel my chest begin to tighten,
I feel the fear setting in,
I can tell there’s not long left now,
I will die well before my time
‘cause I tried to save another one.

the Yellow Black Road

14/1/11

The Yellow Black Road

I thought I was doing alright,
I thought I was right on track,
Then they told me this yellow
brick road is actually deep, dark black,

You coloured over it and I didn’t even notice,
Well just how weak-willed am I?

Now there’s something wrong with you
if you find fun in fooling others,
Now there’s something wrong with me
if I let others treat me like concrete,
My body is not a footpath.

I’ve written so much today it’s a wonder
my fingers are still attached.

Life was finally turning a corner,
I was finally feeling okay,
Then they told me this yellow
brick road is actually deep, dark black,

So where the hell am I heading?

Now there’s something wrong with you
if you find fun in fooling others,
Now there’s something wrong with me
if I let others treat me like concrete,
My body is not a footpath.

Thought I was heading in the right direction,
Seems I was tricked, played for a fool,
I will not let this perturb me from my way,
I will keep fighting and take a scrape
of every recommended track from now on.

Now art is meant to be beautiful,
Why would you turn it into something so ugly?
Now art is meant to be so beautiful,
So why am I such a disgrace?