26/5/11
Do you feel the same guilt, the shame,
the pain I have to use to get through every day?
I used to wish for news that you’d jumped off a bridge
driven insane, but now today I hope you live
and just drown with the same guilt, the shame,
the pain that you put me through, how I hope
it doubles back up onto you and you
wish to simply die on the spot like I cried on the spot
for years as you,

Do you struggle to look your own eye
in the mirror, do you give in and cry at the monster
that you’ve always been, not become, always been
and you’ve got no excuse because I didn’t
grow up to be just like you, so I threw
all those theories down in the bin and god how I hope
your prayers for your sins just fail and drop
and God can abandon you the way he left me to you
for years as you,

Do you look back and wince at your actions,
see the tears that I cried that you couldn’t take as
a message to stop, let me out of this place, of this
memory, I’ve got nothing left and I’m barely
breathing as you, and again and again and it happened
for years but not just the years that it happened,
Because my head replays it all the time, awake or asleep,
It lives inside me like the monster you are,
And screw your excuses, I threw them away when I reached twenty one
and I haven’t hurt anyone the way you hurt me, so there goes
every sorrowful line about being hard done by makes you do bad things to others,

Only I have suffered at my own hand and I,
will keep it that way because I’m nothing like you,
And only I have suffered at my own hand and I,
will keep it that way because I am not like you,
And if I were I would sooner jump the bridge
than let such a monster, such a demon exist,
And only I have suffered, it’s painted on my wrist
for all to see the pain that you caused me,
to relive and relive and relive once again,
And only my own outsides, insides have suffered
at my own hands and I will keep it that way,
So face yourself in the mirror and look in your eye
and I hope that all you see is the hate

that has manifested in me for all these years,
that has been crawling through you for all those years,
You might’ve been young but I was younger
and I didn’t deserve the things that you did,
You might’ve been misunderstood but I know you knew
what you were doing, you don’t reach such an age
and not know right from wrong,
And you hid it, told me not to tell anyone,
And you hid it, and you did it for so long,
to fulfil some kind of sick, twisted urge,
And I know you knew you were wrong
when you hid it from everyone, and told me not to tell anyone,
So you can’t protest ‘but I didn’t know’,
Because you always knew, I was the one in the dark
until I grew to be your age and now I can see what you did to me

and I will turn out nothing like you so there goes every excuse.

Jumping flies

5/5/11
I will not be another statistic,
The increasing height of a line on a chart,
I won’t be another crazy kid sick with demons,
I won’t be another depressed head
who cannot take the issues of a world where
They’re dropping like flies,
jumping with lies,
jumping with their lives.

My goal must be made more than
to just be alive by the end of this month,
My life must be more than just trying to
make it through every hour,

I will climb the mountain but I won’t
hang myself with the rope.
I will fight fist to fist with every demon
and I will win. I will fight fist to fist
with every approaching enemy.
I will win where

they dropped like flies,
jumped with lies,
jumped with their lives.

And I salute because I know the feeling
but I won’t give in and I’ll live the life of those unlived,
And I salute because I know how easily
that could of been my body,
And I will live the life of those unlived.

-

26/5/11
I’m rushing out, I’m falling down,
What’s new here at this place anyway?
You’re asking, I’m lying, what’s new?
I’m bursting at the seams with the truth
that I just won’t spill to anyone,

Oh how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find your heart inside your arms.

I’m crashing down, I’m folding out,
What’s new here at this headspace anyway?
You’re crying at my obvious lying again,
I’m bursting at the seams with secrets
That I just won’t spill to anyone,

Oh god how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find your heart inside your arms.

I’m just giving in, I’m not the only one
beyond believing, my lies are getting ridiculous now,
You’re getting to know me and my eyes give me away,
That’s what you always say, at night when I get home,
That’s what you always say, I wish I were alone,
And I’m just giving in, I’m past believing,

Oh god, how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find peace inside your arms,

Once I laid there and I thought perfection, at last, perfection
erase my past but the bliss didn’t last and that’s when the lies start,
Once I laid there and I thought perfection, at last perfection
could erase my past but the bliss didn’t last and that’s where we start
to fall apart like all my flimsy excuses to where have I been
you know just where I’ve been and just what I’ve been doing,
And I thought I could outrun my past but my legs and lies didn’t last,

Oh god, how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find your heart inside your arms,

You’re reaching – it’s at a stretch now – and I’m scared to take that hand,
And you’re caring and I’ve never been more scared and I,
You’re reaching – it’s desperation now – and I’m scared to take that hand,
And you’re caring is really scaring me and I,

I cannot run away from this one more day – my legs are giving way,
And I was so stupid, you were always there to,
I cannot run away from this one more day as my legs give way,
I was so stupid, you were always there to catch me.