29/4/11
I heard a sweetly, softly song sung by a gun,
And once I heard that noise, I begged for more,
But it needed a little more substance, a little more oomph
than just shooting at dead firewood,
I heard a sweetly, softly song sung by a gun
but I needed a more heartfelt one.
If you stand in my way, well you’ll be quickly erased,
Because each note that this gun sings I know is a sin,
But it sounds so, but it makes me everything
instead of the nothing I am sick of being,
If you stand in my way, well today’s not your day.
I blasted just one bullet away for some fun,
And heard all the screams, the scurrying away,
What a sweet and delicate noise, I thought to myself,
what a lovely note to follow my gun’s voice,
I heard a sweetly, softly song sung by a gun
and I am getting closer to a complete one.
If you stand in my way, well today’s not your day,
Because each note that this gun sings is beautiful,
And it sounds sweet, and it makes me a God
instead of the nothing I am so sick of rotting,
If you stand in my way, you’ll quickly be erased.
Oh, you stand in my way, I warned you didn’t I?
I gave you the fair warning you never gave me,
You see, I may have a gun but I am still more civilised than you,
I let the nice ones go, well some of them,
Depends how high the urge to kill is,
I let the nice ones go, it’s you I’m after,
And sometimes the nice ones are just collateral damage,
But don’t you see I’m cleaning up by making the biggest mess you’ll see?
And don’t you hear the sweet, and don’t you hear the sweetly singing gun?
It urges me on and so do all your pain filled screams, it seems
I am a monster too now. I am a monster now.
If you stand in my way, you’re sure to be erased,
Because each note that this gun sings is a beautiful sin,
And it sounds so, and it makes me everything
instead of the nothing I am so sick of being,
If you stand in my way, I will not hesitate
to hold this gun to your face,
If that’s how I have to get to the not so nice ones,
And I’ll let the nice ones go, for a while,
But I might shoot them in the back just to hear the sound,
And I’ll let the nice ones go, for a while,
But I might shoot them in the back just to taste the fear,
It’s a tradition, don’t you know?
It’s an April tradition to kill.
It’s a tradition, don’t you know?
Stand in front of me, this place is going to blow,
Stand in front of me and I’ll make sure of my aim,
Stand in front of me, this place is about to blow,
And I’m sorry for the collateral damage
but the world will be a better place.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
facebook group!
Hey guys I now have a facebook group up and running
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/home.php?sk=group_107043662716601
or search "heartbeat in a pen" ! thanks guys.
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/home.php?sk=group_107043662716601
or search "heartbeat in a pen" ! thanks guys.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Stay Gold
3/4/11
And you’re a blank canvas
and I won’t dare make a mark on you,
But you say I already have made more than one,
And I won’t dare make you as dark as me,
I’ve secrets you have no part in knowing,
I’ve been places you shouldn’t roam in,
I’ve got secrets inside this chest that
would strip you off all your beautiful innocence,
And I won’t be the one to...
And you’re a blank canvas
and I wouldn’t touch you if you didn’t ask,
But you asked and I couldn’t help but just run
my fingers ever so gently across you,
And now you’re pulling at my heart
for all the secrets you know I’m keeping,
You’re begging to pull my ribs right apart,
But you don’t realise you’re compromising all your
beautiful innocence, and I won’t be...
I won’t be the one to...
If only you’d never, if only I’d been able to,
If only you’d never, if only Id been able to,
If only you’d never, if only I’d been able to
say no,
But the truth is I’m attracted to what I don’t have
and that’s where your purity comes in and I would rather break
your heart than your gold, stay gold,
But the truth is opposites attract
and that’s where your purity comes in and I would rather break
your heart than your gold, stay gold,
I’ve secrets you’ve no place knowing,
I’ve been places you shouldn’t roam in,
I’ve got secrets inside this chest
that would strip you of all your beautiful innocence,
And I promised myself
I wouldn’t be the one to strip you of all your...
But you’re pulling at my shirt,
And you’re reaching into my heart again
and I want so desperately for someone to know me,
But I won’t be the one to kill you,
And you’re pulling at my chest again,
And you’re reaching deep inside again
and I want so desperately for you to know me,
But I won’t be the one to kill you,
I’d sooner break your heart than splinter your gold,
stay gold, promise me, stay gold.
And you’re a blank canvas
and I won’t dare make a mark on you,
But you say I already have made more than one,
And I won’t dare make you as dark as me,
I’ve secrets you have no part in knowing,
I’ve been places you shouldn’t roam in,
I’ve got secrets inside this chest that
would strip you off all your beautiful innocence,
And I won’t be the one to...
And you’re a blank canvas
and I wouldn’t touch you if you didn’t ask,
But you asked and I couldn’t help but just run
my fingers ever so gently across you,
And now you’re pulling at my heart
for all the secrets you know I’m keeping,
You’re begging to pull my ribs right apart,
But you don’t realise you’re compromising all your
beautiful innocence, and I won’t be...
I won’t be the one to...
If only you’d never, if only I’d been able to,
If only you’d never, if only Id been able to,
If only you’d never, if only I’d been able to
say no,
But the truth is I’m attracted to what I don’t have
and that’s where your purity comes in and I would rather break
your heart than your gold, stay gold,
But the truth is opposites attract
and that’s where your purity comes in and I would rather break
your heart than your gold, stay gold,
I’ve secrets you’ve no place knowing,
I’ve been places you shouldn’t roam in,
I’ve got secrets inside this chest
that would strip you of all your beautiful innocence,
And I promised myself
I wouldn’t be the one to strip you of all your...
But you’re pulling at my shirt,
And you’re reaching into my heart again
and I want so desperately for someone to know me,
But I won’t be the one to kill you,
And you’re pulling at my chest again,
And you’re reaching deep inside again
and I want so desperately for you to know me,
But I won’t be the one to kill you,
I’d sooner break your heart than splinter your gold,
stay gold, promise me, stay gold.
3/4/11
Ok, calm down, calm down,
Your hearts going a little too fast,
Ok, breathe now, breathe now,
Your heart will slow down,
You’re not dying, just breathe out.
Ok, calm down, calm down
I know it’s unsettling,
But you just need to breathe now,
Breathe deep, breathe out,
You’re not going to die, I promise.
Oh my heart’s trying to run through my chest
straight to the outside, trying to get out
of my ears, of my head, out of my chest.
Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re hearts going a bit too fast,
But you’re in hospital now,
The best place to be, this will slow,
You’re not dying, just breathe now.
Ok, the tests are a good thing,
Better to know what’s wrong,
Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re working yourself up now,
Just calm down,
You are not dying, just breathe out.
Oh my heart’s trying to barrel through my chest
straight to the outside, trying to get out
of my ears, of my head, out of my chest.
Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re only twenty one,
Your heart beat is just strong,
But no that’s too fast,
and why do they look so worried?
Oh God, why do they have those looks
on their faces? Stop now, stop now.
Ok, calm down, you’re panicking now,
You’re only twenty one,
Nothing can be all that wrong,
Calm down, calm down, you’re
making it so much worse now,
Just breathe in and out and calm down.
Oh my heart is clawing at my ribs
just trying to make it out now,
I feel it in my ears, my chest, oh god,
just make it stop.
Ok, that’s good, calm down,
Just breathe in, hear the sound,
It’s starting to slow down
(Thank God)
Just keep on breathing
and stop looking at all the machines
every five minutes,
Ok, that’s good, calm down,
Just breathe in, hear the sound,
It’s starting to slow down
(Thank God)
Just keep on going now,
Let your eyes to rest, soon the feeling in your chest
will fade slowly, but fade surely,
Just let your eyes rest as you feel the hammering in your chest
start to fade slowly, but fade surely,
Just let your eyes to rest for a moment,
And just calm down.
Ok, calm down, calm down,
Your hearts going a little too fast,
Ok, breathe now, breathe now,
Your heart will slow down,
You’re not dying, just breathe out.
Ok, calm down, calm down
I know it’s unsettling,
But you just need to breathe now,
Breathe deep, breathe out,
You’re not going to die, I promise.
Oh my heart’s trying to run through my chest
straight to the outside, trying to get out
of my ears, of my head, out of my chest.
Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re hearts going a bit too fast,
But you’re in hospital now,
The best place to be, this will slow,
You’re not dying, just breathe now.
Ok, the tests are a good thing,
Better to know what’s wrong,
Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re working yourself up now,
Just calm down,
You are not dying, just breathe out.
Oh my heart’s trying to barrel through my chest
straight to the outside, trying to get out
of my ears, of my head, out of my chest.
Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re only twenty one,
Your heart beat is just strong,
But no that’s too fast,
and why do they look so worried?
Oh God, why do they have those looks
on their faces? Stop now, stop now.
Ok, calm down, you’re panicking now,
You’re only twenty one,
Nothing can be all that wrong,
Calm down, calm down, you’re
making it so much worse now,
Just breathe in and out and calm down.
Oh my heart is clawing at my ribs
just trying to make it out now,
I feel it in my ears, my chest, oh god,
just make it stop.
Ok, that’s good, calm down,
Just breathe in, hear the sound,
It’s starting to slow down
(Thank God)
Just keep on breathing
and stop looking at all the machines
every five minutes,
Ok, that’s good, calm down,
Just breathe in, hear the sound,
It’s starting to slow down
(Thank God)
Just keep on going now,
Let your eyes to rest, soon the feeling in your chest
will fade slowly, but fade surely,
Just let your eyes rest as you feel the hammering in your chest
start to fade slowly, but fade surely,
Just let your eyes to rest for a moment,
And just calm down.
3/4/11
You only get one lousy body so you better treat it right,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it and it can put up quite the fight,
You only get one lousy body so you better treat it right.
This body I mistreated, this body I have neglected,
This body and now I’ll pay for all my mistakes
as my heart beats out of rhythm.
You only get one lousy life so you better get it right
pretty quick because if you don’t you’ve got quite the fight
on your hands, so you better get this life just right
first time
This life I mistreated, this life I have neglected,
This life and now I’ll pay for all my mistakes
as my mess grows around me.
You only get one vessel to live in so you better treat it nice,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it exactly right,
You only get the one vessel to live in so you better treat it nice,
And I didn’t treat myself real nice,
I always am angry at myself
So I put my body and my mind
through hell time and time,
again. And I didn’t treat my body
real nice so now I am paying the price,
And I didn’t treat my mind real nice
an d there too I am paying the price,
Yeah you only get one lousy body so you better treat it right,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it and it can put up quite the fight,
But you only get one, just one of them so you better get this right.
You only get one lousy body so you better treat it right,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it and it can put up quite the fight,
You only get one lousy body so you better treat it right.
This body I mistreated, this body I have neglected,
This body and now I’ll pay for all my mistakes
as my heart beats out of rhythm.
You only get one lousy life so you better get it right
pretty quick because if you don’t you’ve got quite the fight
on your hands, so you better get this life just right
first time
This life I mistreated, this life I have neglected,
This life and now I’ll pay for all my mistakes
as my mess grows around me.
You only get one vessel to live in so you better treat it nice,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it exactly right,
You only get the one vessel to live in so you better treat it nice,
And I didn’t treat myself real nice,
I always am angry at myself
So I put my body and my mind
through hell time and time,
again. And I didn’t treat my body
real nice so now I am paying the price,
And I didn’t treat my mind real nice
an d there too I am paying the price,
Yeah you only get one lousy body so you better treat it right,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it and it can put up quite the fight,
But you only get one, just one of them so you better get this right.
3/4/11
Oh God I can see the light, won’t you just let me out?
For a day or for an hour? To just get some sun on my skin,
It’s becoming so sour, so pale and god let me out for just an hour.
Oh God, I see the light shining through, the light I haven’t
seen for months, you locked me down here with a clue,
I’ve gone missing and no-one’s asking...
I spent the first month just screaming for my life
‘til my throat was scarred and my lungs worn out,
I spent the first month just screaming for my life
until I accepted that now this is ... my life.
Oh God, I wrench the door again and again but I
can’t find my way out, lights out, just let me out
for an hour or two, to just get some sun on my skin,
to just let me breathe some fresh air again.
It’s getting so stale in here, it’s been forever now,
And I can’t find any weakness in these walls,
I see the hidden eye-hole you look through,
And have I told you lately I think you’re disgusting?
And when he opens the door and I see the light for just a second,
I make a run for it but it shuts before I even get to glimpse...
And when he opens the door and the light burns my eyes,
I stumble but I just can’t make it before...
His hand comes down upon my face again,
I haven’t stopped trying,
His hand comes down...again,
I won’t ever stop trying,
I shout again and again but to no avail,
I shout over and over but it’s all in vain,
I scream again and again and again.
I was meant to live a life not a nightmare,
And God, if you were true would you really let this happen?
I was meant to live a life not a nightmare,
And God, if you were true would you really let me crumple,
fold and give in?
Well you don’t’ just look in through it, I look out too
at the rest of the world turning and turning and I wonder
why didn’t anyone ask whatever happened to my body?
What are the stories that have been fabricated for my disappearance,
And how I hope someone knows and is still looking
but I fear down here is my home and I’ll never be saved,
Not ever...be saved,
But I will make a run or stumble for it every time that he opens the door,
I won’t give in, my family is out there grieving somewhere,
And some days I fold, cry in a corner,
But I’ll keep fighting and I don’t care how often
his hand comes down upon my face again,
I won’t stop trying,
his hand comes down...again,
I won’t ever stop trying,
And I think he’s starting to see my determination,
And Oh God, this is starting to get desperate,
You see he’s getting buckets of water and filling up this well,
It’s up to my ankles now, Oh God get me out,
I write this on the wall but the water is beginning to strangle my neck,
I should have just given up, at least I would have lived,
I wonder as I begin to drown will they find my body now?
And become all confused, open up a closed case,
‘Cause what are the lies that they believe about me?
I can swim but I cannot hold my breath for long,
I can swim but I cannot see the light and I struggle
with the handle but it just won’t snap open,
I can swim but I cannot hold my breath much longer,
I can swim but I cannot find anything weak in the walls
and I really think that this is probably it,
I angered him too much or maybe just enough
for now I get relief from this horrible place,
I hope I don’t go to Hell because I feel I’ve
already lived it here but the things he made me do
will probably land me there, anyway,
I hope I don’t go to Hell because I’ve
already lived it through but the things he made me do
have probably reserved me a space,
Oh god, this is it, get me out of this mess,
Oh god, I’ve been praying, you’ve been saying
everything happens for a reason, but it’s been seasons,
Oh god, this is it, get me out of this mess,
Oh god, I’ve been praying and you’ve been making
excuses, I don’t think you’re true,
Oh god, this is it, my head is going under,
this body will come out mangled because he’s not finished
with me yet, oh god, this is your last chance,
Get me out of this mess,
I pray one last time in vain.
Oh God I can see the light, won’t you just let me out?
For a day or for an hour? To just get some sun on my skin,
It’s becoming so sour, so pale and god let me out for just an hour.
Oh God, I see the light shining through, the light I haven’t
seen for months, you locked me down here with a clue,
I’ve gone missing and no-one’s asking...
I spent the first month just screaming for my life
‘til my throat was scarred and my lungs worn out,
I spent the first month just screaming for my life
until I accepted that now this is ... my life.
Oh God, I wrench the door again and again but I
can’t find my way out, lights out, just let me out
for an hour or two, to just get some sun on my skin,
to just let me breathe some fresh air again.
It’s getting so stale in here, it’s been forever now,
And I can’t find any weakness in these walls,
I see the hidden eye-hole you look through,
And have I told you lately I think you’re disgusting?
And when he opens the door and I see the light for just a second,
I make a run for it but it shuts before I even get to glimpse...
And when he opens the door and the light burns my eyes,
I stumble but I just can’t make it before...
His hand comes down upon my face again,
I haven’t stopped trying,
His hand comes down...again,
I won’t ever stop trying,
I shout again and again but to no avail,
I shout over and over but it’s all in vain,
I scream again and again and again.
I was meant to live a life not a nightmare,
And God, if you were true would you really let this happen?
I was meant to live a life not a nightmare,
And God, if you were true would you really let me crumple,
fold and give in?
Well you don’t’ just look in through it, I look out too
at the rest of the world turning and turning and I wonder
why didn’t anyone ask whatever happened to my body?
What are the stories that have been fabricated for my disappearance,
And how I hope someone knows and is still looking
but I fear down here is my home and I’ll never be saved,
Not ever...be saved,
But I will make a run or stumble for it every time that he opens the door,
I won’t give in, my family is out there grieving somewhere,
And some days I fold, cry in a corner,
But I’ll keep fighting and I don’t care how often
his hand comes down upon my face again,
I won’t stop trying,
his hand comes down...again,
I won’t ever stop trying,
And I think he’s starting to see my determination,
And Oh God, this is starting to get desperate,
You see he’s getting buckets of water and filling up this well,
It’s up to my ankles now, Oh God get me out,
I write this on the wall but the water is beginning to strangle my neck,
I should have just given up, at least I would have lived,
I wonder as I begin to drown will they find my body now?
And become all confused, open up a closed case,
‘Cause what are the lies that they believe about me?
I can swim but I cannot hold my breath for long,
I can swim but I cannot see the light and I struggle
with the handle but it just won’t snap open,
I can swim but I cannot hold my breath much longer,
I can swim but I cannot find anything weak in the walls
and I really think that this is probably it,
I angered him too much or maybe just enough
for now I get relief from this horrible place,
I hope I don’t go to Hell because I feel I’ve
already lived it here but the things he made me do
will probably land me there, anyway,
I hope I don’t go to Hell because I’ve
already lived it through but the things he made me do
have probably reserved me a space,
Oh god, this is it, get me out of this mess,
Oh god, I’ve been praying, you’ve been saying
everything happens for a reason, but it’s been seasons,
Oh god, this is it, get me out of this mess,
Oh god, I’ve been praying and you’ve been making
excuses, I don’t think you’re true,
Oh god, this is it, my head is going under,
this body will come out mangled because he’s not finished
with me yet, oh god, this is your last chance,
Get me out of this mess,
I pray one last time in vain.
3/4/11
You think I fit into this little hole you dug all for me, how sweet,
Well I fell in and I couldn’t jump out, it was all dug out too deep,
You think this is where I belong because one size fits all,
But this is my life and there is no blanket rule,
Because no two people have the same DNA,
And no two people experience everything the same,
You think I fit into this little hole you dug all for me, well how sweet,
Well this is me climbing out and I can see you panicking,
I am individual and I am not the same as hundreds of other people
even if they might have felt the same way,
It is all about perception and emotions,
And no two people share the same shape of tears,
Well I don’t fit in this little hole you dug just for me,
Well I don’t fit under this stupid blanket,
You dug out a hole and then covered it up – a trap,
And you caught hundreds, even thousands,
But I throw always throw a rock first, so you’ll never get me,
You got me once and it took me so long to climb out,
I won’t put myself in that situation again, I swear
I’m done with labels and diagnoses that just paint out
the way I should act, the way I should feel,
Because no two people deal with situations exactly the same,
And despite what they say sometimes it’s time to change,
Well you dug me this beautiful tight little hole,
It was so comforting standing shoulder-shoulder
with all these people who felt like I did,
who thought like I did, who were just like me,
But now I can see the truth, nobody is just like me,
And that’s not a scary thought anymore – just a true one,
And that’s not a scary thought anymore – but a freeing one,
There is no blanket rule because we’re not all the same,
There is no one size fits all because this is just the game
of life, and if you give in you lose and if you put up,
you fight and you might have to fight your whole life
but it’s better than being in a box shoulder-shoulder
And I could hardly breathe.
You think I fit into this little hole you dug all for me, how sweet,
Well I fell in and I couldn’t jump out, it was all dug out too deep,
You think this is where I belong because one size fits all,
But this is my life and there is no blanket rule,
Because no two people have the same DNA,
And no two people experience everything the same,
You think I fit into this little hole you dug all for me, well how sweet,
Well this is me climbing out and I can see you panicking,
I am individual and I am not the same as hundreds of other people
even if they might have felt the same way,
It is all about perception and emotions,
And no two people share the same shape of tears,
Well I don’t fit in this little hole you dug just for me,
Well I don’t fit under this stupid blanket,
You dug out a hole and then covered it up – a trap,
And you caught hundreds, even thousands,
But I throw always throw a rock first, so you’ll never get me,
You got me once and it took me so long to climb out,
I won’t put myself in that situation again, I swear
I’m done with labels and diagnoses that just paint out
the way I should act, the way I should feel,
Because no two people deal with situations exactly the same,
And despite what they say sometimes it’s time to change,
Well you dug me this beautiful tight little hole,
It was so comforting standing shoulder-shoulder
with all these people who felt like I did,
who thought like I did, who were just like me,
But now I can see the truth, nobody is just like me,
And that’s not a scary thought anymore – just a true one,
And that’s not a scary thought anymore – but a freeing one,
There is no blanket rule because we’re not all the same,
There is no one size fits all because this is just the game
of life, and if you give in you lose and if you put up,
you fight and you might have to fight your whole life
but it’s better than being in a box shoulder-shoulder
And I could hardly breathe.
28/3/11
Oh you ventured out and I know you’re so scared of the dark,
But that doesn’t mean I appreciate you disturbing my grave,
Yeah you dug and dug and dug ‘til your shovel hit my head,
Woke me up from the nicest nap I’ve ever had, now why
would you go and do that? Wake me up from the nicest nap...
Oh you dragged my body up out of my final resting place,
Oh you cut my wrist open, to see me bleed? I’ve got nothing
left, yeah then you cut your own open and held it to mine,
I swear I’ll kill myself if you bring me back to life, I swear,
now why would you go and do that? Wake me up from the nicest nap...
Oh you made an incision in your own chest, yeah I can see
everything, death just means that I cannot speak or yell,
What are you doing? Bandage up, go home and sleep, but you
cannot hear me, only I can hear me. Well you made an incision
and then you went awfully deep, now why would you wake me up
for this? Why would you go and do that? Wake me up from the nicest nap...
Don’t you know the guilt I already feel? Now don’t you dare
go any deeper, I cry as you ignore my noiseless screams,
And you dig in real deep, pull out half your heart and still it beats,
But why would you do this? Maybe you just want to have a nice long nap...
Oh you dragged me up here for this and I think I knew
from the second I heard your footsteps up above me but I
was in denial, nothing has really changed, but bandage up,
go home and sleep and let me get back to my beautiful nap,
Why would you do this? Why would you disturb the dirt for this?
Woke me up from the nicest nap I ever had, and if you resurrect me,
I swear I’ll,
And so made an incision in my disgusting chest, swept off
all the worms and maggots, oh god, the creak of my ribs
is like a banshee’s scream, why are you doing this? Don’t
you get it? As you remove my heart and replace it,
I’m not a car, more than the engine is gone, don’t you know
I’m not for repair? You see when they bury you underground
it’s meant to send the message that I’M DEAD! Don’t you dare,
but you did dare...
And god, how dry my throat is, and oh god, this can’t be happening,
And god, how dry my mouth is and how cracked my skin is,
And oh how disgusting my eyes feel and how I can’t believe,
And oh god, how did you let this happen again?
I can’t believe I’m back in the land of the living,
Oh I was having the nicest nap and the most beautiful dream,
I was dreaming nothing and it was serenity,
Oh I was having the longest nap and the most beautiful dreams,
I was dreaming nothing and it was golden,
I can’t believe you woke me up for this, I know you were
lonely but you had no right to disturb the site of my body,
This is why I left because I couldn’t make my own decisions
and you just proved me, you just affirmed the reason why I left,
And I said I swear I will, and now I’m in your basement,
And I’ve emptied an entire can upon myself,
No body to put to rest, no body to bring to life,
And now I’m about to light a match – just thought I’d say
how dare you, and that’s all, how dare you,
Well this time there will be nothing to wake up,
Try put my ashes back together but I burnt off my hand first,
And I hid it far from you so I’ll never be whole again,
Yeah I’ll never be whole again, and I can’t believe you
woke me up for this, I can’t believe this happening,
Well here goes nothing and that’s all I’ll be.
Oh you ventured out and I know you’re so scared of the dark,
But that doesn’t mean I appreciate you disturbing my grave,
Yeah you dug and dug and dug ‘til your shovel hit my head,
Woke me up from the nicest nap I’ve ever had, now why
would you go and do that? Wake me up from the nicest nap...
Oh you dragged my body up out of my final resting place,
Oh you cut my wrist open, to see me bleed? I’ve got nothing
left, yeah then you cut your own open and held it to mine,
I swear I’ll kill myself if you bring me back to life, I swear,
now why would you go and do that? Wake me up from the nicest nap...
Oh you made an incision in your own chest, yeah I can see
everything, death just means that I cannot speak or yell,
What are you doing? Bandage up, go home and sleep, but you
cannot hear me, only I can hear me. Well you made an incision
and then you went awfully deep, now why would you wake me up
for this? Why would you go and do that? Wake me up from the nicest nap...
Don’t you know the guilt I already feel? Now don’t you dare
go any deeper, I cry as you ignore my noiseless screams,
And you dig in real deep, pull out half your heart and still it beats,
But why would you do this? Maybe you just want to have a nice long nap...
Oh you dragged me up here for this and I think I knew
from the second I heard your footsteps up above me but I
was in denial, nothing has really changed, but bandage up,
go home and sleep and let me get back to my beautiful nap,
Why would you do this? Why would you disturb the dirt for this?
Woke me up from the nicest nap I ever had, and if you resurrect me,
I swear I’ll,
And so made an incision in my disgusting chest, swept off
all the worms and maggots, oh god, the creak of my ribs
is like a banshee’s scream, why are you doing this? Don’t
you get it? As you remove my heart and replace it,
I’m not a car, more than the engine is gone, don’t you know
I’m not for repair? You see when they bury you underground
it’s meant to send the message that I’M DEAD! Don’t you dare,
but you did dare...
And god, how dry my throat is, and oh god, this can’t be happening,
And god, how dry my mouth is and how cracked my skin is,
And oh how disgusting my eyes feel and how I can’t believe,
And oh god, how did you let this happen again?
I can’t believe I’m back in the land of the living,
Oh I was having the nicest nap and the most beautiful dream,
I was dreaming nothing and it was serenity,
Oh I was having the longest nap and the most beautiful dreams,
I was dreaming nothing and it was golden,
I can’t believe you woke me up for this, I know you were
lonely but you had no right to disturb the site of my body,
This is why I left because I couldn’t make my own decisions
and you just proved me, you just affirmed the reason why I left,
And I said I swear I will, and now I’m in your basement,
And I’ve emptied an entire can upon myself,
No body to put to rest, no body to bring to life,
And now I’m about to light a match – just thought I’d say
how dare you, and that’s all, how dare you,
Well this time there will be nothing to wake up,
Try put my ashes back together but I burnt off my hand first,
And I hid it far from you so I’ll never be whole again,
Yeah I’ll never be whole again, and I can’t believe you
woke me up for this, I can’t believe this happening,
Well here goes nothing and that’s all I’ll be.
25/3/11
Oh how I lie on the ocean floor,
my beautiful watery grave,
And just stare up at the distorted sky
through the ripples I see the stars,
And that’s the synapse between who I am and who I want to be.
Oh how it is a joke they attached
gills before dropping me to die,
And now I spend every day just staring
up at the blanket of stars above me,
Wishing I...
And that’s the synapse between who I am and who I want to be.
It’s like I’m in the past,
on my back again with all these shells poking my skin,
It’s like I’m in the past,
unable to defend myself and breathing quickly again,
It’s like I’m in my past,
just suffocating slowly, just focusing on that one point
and waiting for all of this to be over,
And I stare up at the bright light that the stars shine,
amazing how it filters through all the ripples,
And that was my future until my past happened,
And then, branded at four, a failure, I was doomed,
And that was my future until my past took place,
And then, branded at four, a waste of space, I was...
And that’s the synapse between who I am and who I want to be,
The synapse between what my past created and my future held for me.
And then I remember the stars only shine because of their pasts,
for most of the stars in this galaxy no longer even exist,
It’s just the light of their lives, of their pasts, what made them to be,
And then I remember the stars only shine because of their pasts,
And I will crawl into some elastic, stretch it real far back,
Go shooting the ocean until...
I fall back onto the floor,
And I will crawl into some elastic, stretch it real far back,
Go shooting out of the ocean until...
I fall back through the ripples,
And I will crawl into some elastic, stretch it real far back,
Go shooting through the sky until...
I fall back through the air and water,
But I will crawl back into some elastic,
The synapse between who I am and who I want to be,
will one day be shortened considerably,
perhaps the ocean floor will even shake the sky’s hands
one day.
Oh how I lie on the ocean floor,
my beautiful watery grave,
And just stare up at the distorted sky
through the ripples I see the stars,
And that’s the synapse between who I am and who I want to be.
Oh how it is a joke they attached
gills before dropping me to die,
And now I spend every day just staring
up at the blanket of stars above me,
Wishing I...
And that’s the synapse between who I am and who I want to be.
It’s like I’m in the past,
on my back again with all these shells poking my skin,
It’s like I’m in the past,
unable to defend myself and breathing quickly again,
It’s like I’m in my past,
just suffocating slowly, just focusing on that one point
and waiting for all of this to be over,
And I stare up at the bright light that the stars shine,
amazing how it filters through all the ripples,
And that was my future until my past happened,
And then, branded at four, a failure, I was doomed,
And that was my future until my past took place,
And then, branded at four, a waste of space, I was...
And that’s the synapse between who I am and who I want to be,
The synapse between what my past created and my future held for me.
And then I remember the stars only shine because of their pasts,
for most of the stars in this galaxy no longer even exist,
It’s just the light of their lives, of their pasts, what made them to be,
And then I remember the stars only shine because of their pasts,
And I will crawl into some elastic, stretch it real far back,
Go shooting the ocean until...
I fall back onto the floor,
And I will crawl into some elastic, stretch it real far back,
Go shooting out of the ocean until...
I fall back through the ripples,
And I will crawl into some elastic, stretch it real far back,
Go shooting through the sky until...
I fall back through the air and water,
But I will crawl back into some elastic,
The synapse between who I am and who I want to be,
will one day be shortened considerably,
perhaps the ocean floor will even shake the sky’s hands
one day.
25/3/11
Oh God I think it’s time to dial,
Oh God, I think this is it,
Oh God I can barely here the sirens.
I have never been one for physical pain,
I used to thank God for painless pills,
They would just knock me out, put me to sleep -
just knock me out, put me to rest,
But when I get in an emotional frenzy
the pain seems to just fade away
with the urge to just see some blood,
Just let me bleed out, let me bleed,
Oh God, I think I need stitches,
Oh God, this is going to scar,
Oh God I can hardly see your figure,
Once I took pills but I woke up even sadder
than I had been upon shoving them
down my throat, not to mention the guilt -
she was there all night, not sleeping,
Emergency rooms are hardly the place
for me yet I felt more at home
with all the beeping, oh the fast beating
of my heart really worried the doctors,
Oh God, she’s losing consciousness,
Oh God, her heart is racing,
Oh God she’s passing out again,
But now I know for pain and blood -
a knife,
And for the very last of my days -
the painless pills,
Oh God, I think it’s the poisons line again,
We really should put them on speed dial,
Oh God, I think this time is the end,
Oh God, I can barely hear the sirens,
Oh God, how did it come to this again,
When I thought I promised myself
to just keep on fighting, but that bottle
was too close, Oh God look at what I hid
under my jumper, looks like I’ll need stitches too
if I decide to live through this,
Oh God let me go, won’t you let me go?
Oh God I think I might need some help.
Oh God I think it’s time to dial,
Oh God, I think this is it,
Oh God I can barely here the sirens.
I have never been one for physical pain,
I used to thank God for painless pills,
They would just knock me out, put me to sleep -
just knock me out, put me to rest,
But when I get in an emotional frenzy
the pain seems to just fade away
with the urge to just see some blood,
Just let me bleed out, let me bleed,
Oh God, I think I need stitches,
Oh God, this is going to scar,
Oh God I can hardly see your figure,
Once I took pills but I woke up even sadder
than I had been upon shoving them
down my throat, not to mention the guilt -
she was there all night, not sleeping,
Emergency rooms are hardly the place
for me yet I felt more at home
with all the beeping, oh the fast beating
of my heart really worried the doctors,
Oh God, she’s losing consciousness,
Oh God, her heart is racing,
Oh God she’s passing out again,
But now I know for pain and blood -
a knife,
And for the very last of my days -
the painless pills,
Oh God, I think it’s the poisons line again,
We really should put them on speed dial,
Oh God, I think this time is the end,
Oh God, I can barely hear the sirens,
Oh God, how did it come to this again,
When I thought I promised myself
to just keep on fighting, but that bottle
was too close, Oh God look at what I hid
under my jumper, looks like I’ll need stitches too
if I decide to live through this,
Oh God let me go, won’t you let me go?
Oh God I think I might need some help.
25/3/11
The gap between the person I am
and the person I want to be
is gaping like the
old scar I just reopened,
I can see the place but it’s awful cloudy,
I can feel the hands starting to cover my eyes,
I can feel the blood rushing faster.
I just want to be something that
is not this empty suffering shell
that just keeps it’s mouth
stapled shut, how this hurts,
When I do speak I rip open the staples,
And the blood just starts rushing in a different place,
Oh, God, all this blood is just making me dizzy.
The gap between the person I am
and the person I will never be
is gaping like the
cut I just made,
You better call the hospital,
I better get stitches,
You better call the doctor,
I better be watched.
Oh God, all this blood is hurting my head.
I just want to be a person who deserves to live,
I just want to be the person I see in my mind,
I just want to be the person who wants to live,
I just want to be a person who is unashamed
of their past and unafraid of their future,
Oh, God get me out of this sick body,
this sick mind is like poison,
Oh god, the blood gushing out of my mouth
like the truth it stains your hands and you’ll
never forget the day you held me,
Oh God, the pain gushing out of my wrist
like the fear it stains your mind and you’ll
never forget the day you held me,
The day I realised the gap was too,
It’s like reaching from the ocean floor
to outer space and no-one has that much patience,
And I’ve stopped growing,
It’s like reaching from the ocean floor
to outer space and I have stopped growing
and I’ve lost all my patience.
The gap between the person I am
and the person I want to be
is gaping like the
old scar I just reopened,
I can see the place but it’s awful cloudy,
I can feel the hands starting to cover my eyes,
I can feel the blood rushing faster.
I just want to be something that
is not this empty suffering shell
that just keeps it’s mouth
stapled shut, how this hurts,
When I do speak I rip open the staples,
And the blood just starts rushing in a different place,
Oh, God, all this blood is just making me dizzy.
The gap between the person I am
and the person I will never be
is gaping like the
cut I just made,
You better call the hospital,
I better get stitches,
You better call the doctor,
I better be watched.
Oh God, all this blood is hurting my head.
I just want to be a person who deserves to live,
I just want to be the person I see in my mind,
I just want to be the person who wants to live,
I just want to be a person who is unashamed
of their past and unafraid of their future,
Oh, God get me out of this sick body,
this sick mind is like poison,
Oh god, the blood gushing out of my mouth
like the truth it stains your hands and you’ll
never forget the day you held me,
Oh God, the pain gushing out of my wrist
like the fear it stains your mind and you’ll
never forget the day you held me,
The day I realised the gap was too,
It’s like reaching from the ocean floor
to outer space and no-one has that much patience,
And I’ve stopped growing,
It’s like reaching from the ocean floor
to outer space and I have stopped growing
and I’ve lost all my patience.
24/3/11
Dear God,
whichever of the million God’s exist,
Could we make a deal, make a bargain?
I promise I’ll sell You my soul for this.
When the time gets close
and You’re ready to end my pain,
Do You think You could send me a sign,
some kind of message in the sky?
So that I can prepare and say goodbye,
Or so that I can live my last few days in absolute fear,
On second thoughts, this may be the brightest idea,
But I need to know when You know when my date is,
when my times up, I need to know when to bow out.
I need to know when to quench the fight,
I need to know when to follow the light,
I need to know when to knife my own sight,
Because God, I bet the date You have gives me more time
than the date that I have myself in mind.
But just in case, would You let me know?
Should I keep on trying or just begin to throw
away my determination, my motivation,
everything I have left to rest.
I promise if my soul exists I’ll sell You it
for all the answers and turn away the devil
at all times, could you show me bliss?
I’ve never seen it and I don’t believe it comes in ignorance,
Unless you’re ignorant that you’re ignorant that you’re...
You get the point? But I’m not ignorant that I’m ignorant,
I know I am and I need the answers,
God, I’m begging You on my knee’s
to just light up the sky on the day I’m to die,
And even then, You may not have to hold up
Your end of the bargain, because I know my date
will be so much sooner than Yours unless
You can really read my mind and I guess
if anyone could get me out of this, it would be You,
So God, either get me out of this,
Or let me in on the secret,
I swear I’ll do anything, anything at all.
God, let me in on the secret.
Dear God,
whichever of the million God’s exist,
Could we make a deal, make a bargain?
I promise I’ll sell You my soul for this.
When the time gets close
and You’re ready to end my pain,
Do You think You could send me a sign,
some kind of message in the sky?
So that I can prepare and say goodbye,
Or so that I can live my last few days in absolute fear,
On second thoughts, this may be the brightest idea,
But I need to know when You know when my date is,
when my times up, I need to know when to bow out.
I need to know when to quench the fight,
I need to know when to follow the light,
I need to know when to knife my own sight,
Because God, I bet the date You have gives me more time
than the date that I have myself in mind.
But just in case, would You let me know?
Should I keep on trying or just begin to throw
away my determination, my motivation,
everything I have left to rest.
I promise if my soul exists I’ll sell You it
for all the answers and turn away the devil
at all times, could you show me bliss?
I’ve never seen it and I don’t believe it comes in ignorance,
Unless you’re ignorant that you’re ignorant that you’re...
You get the point? But I’m not ignorant that I’m ignorant,
I know I am and I need the answers,
God, I’m begging You on my knee’s
to just light up the sky on the day I’m to die,
And even then, You may not have to hold up
Your end of the bargain, because I know my date
will be so much sooner than Yours unless
You can really read my mind and I guess
if anyone could get me out of this, it would be You,
So God, either get me out of this,
Or let me in on the secret,
I swear I’ll do anything, anything at all.
God, let me in on the secret.
24/3/11
I would grab a shovel and dig
just to find out if Hell exists,
Well I guess, where do I go for this,
A graveyard seems appropriate,
And now I’m shaking dead bodies
and yelling at them, tell me what happened,
tell me what happens.
Because honestly I’ve had enough of this life,
And if there’s nothing I’d rather die,
But if there’s something I need to know,
Because all I want is nothing at all.
I hijacked a plane and tried
to shove it through the clouds
to the other side, is there another side
to all of this? I tried to fly towards
the moon but I could never
make it so high, and I’m screaming at clouds,
I’m going insane.
Because honestly I’ve had enough of this life,
And if there’s nothing I’d rather die,
But if there’s something I need to know,
Because all I want is nothing at all.
Met a man who said
‘I spent my days flying and digging,
I spent every day just searching,
And one minute I was young and able,
But now I can’t even see properly,
And I don’t have the strength to shake,
And I don’t have the strength to fly’,
So I met a man who said ‘
‘I spent my days flying and digging,
I spent every second just searching,
And now I’m still dying and I don’t have my answers,
And now I will die without any of my precious answers
and no life to look back on with joy’
And I don’t want to end up like that,
And I don’t want to spend my whole life
wishing I could die just to see the other side,
Because what if there’s nothing,
What if there’s something,
I’m doing it again,
And I don’t want to spend my whole life searching,
And I don’t want to spend my whole hating,
And I’ve been dying for years so I really need the answers,
But death is inevitable and I think I just need a bit of acceptance
and a whole lot of patience.
I would grab a shovel and dig
just to find out if Hell exists,
Well I guess, where do I go for this,
A graveyard seems appropriate,
And now I’m shaking dead bodies
and yelling at them, tell me what happened,
tell me what happens.
Because honestly I’ve had enough of this life,
And if there’s nothing I’d rather die,
But if there’s something I need to know,
Because all I want is nothing at all.
I hijacked a plane and tried
to shove it through the clouds
to the other side, is there another side
to all of this? I tried to fly towards
the moon but I could never
make it so high, and I’m screaming at clouds,
I’m going insane.
Because honestly I’ve had enough of this life,
And if there’s nothing I’d rather die,
But if there’s something I need to know,
Because all I want is nothing at all.
Met a man who said
‘I spent my days flying and digging,
I spent every day just searching,
And one minute I was young and able,
But now I can’t even see properly,
And I don’t have the strength to shake,
And I don’t have the strength to fly’,
So I met a man who said ‘
‘I spent my days flying and digging,
I spent every second just searching,
And now I’m still dying and I don’t have my answers,
And now I will die without any of my precious answers
and no life to look back on with joy’
And I don’t want to end up like that,
And I don’t want to spend my whole life
wishing I could die just to see the other side,
Because what if there’s nothing,
What if there’s something,
I’m doing it again,
And I don’t want to spend my whole life searching,
And I don’t want to spend my whole hating,
And I’ve been dying for years so I really need the answers,
But death is inevitable and I think I just need a bit of acceptance
and a whole lot of patience.
23/3/11
God I pray take the rope from my mind
God I pray let the pills find the bin
God I pray be a friend of mine
God I don't know what's left to say
So I pray
Because
I'm tired of just testing the waters
I swear I'll jump in headfirst
This time I won't wake
These are the thoughts I'm having
And now they're yours
Will you save me if I pray?
I guess now is the l o n g wait.
God I pray take the rope from my mind
God I pray let the pills find the bin
God I pray be a friend of mine
God I don't know what's left to say
So I pray
Because
I'm tired of just testing the waters
I swear I'll jump in headfirst
This time I won't wake
These are the thoughts I'm having
And now they're yours
Will you save me if I pray?
I guess now is the l o n g wait.
23/3/11
I’m the poem you don’t want to read,
I’m the friend you’re too tired to call,
I will drag you right down to the depths of this.
I’m the writer you wish you never discovered,
I’m the night you wish you could erase.
I will drag you right down to the depths of this.
I’m the friend you forgot to go and see,
I’m the mistake you made with a simple wave.
I will drag you right down to the depths of this.
I’m the artist whose gallery will hurt your eyes,
I’m the artist who turns everything into lies,
I’m the poet who can write a thousand words
but can’t speak even one of them aloud.
And I am depression nestled deep inside the heart of a poet
who you are just too scared to befriend,
Because you don’t know how soon will be the end.
I’m the poem you don’t want to read,
I’m the friend you’re too tired to call,
I will drag you right down to the depths of this.
I’m the writer you wish you never discovered,
I’m the night you wish you could erase.
I will drag you right down to the depths of this.
I’m the friend you forgot to go and see,
I’m the mistake you made with a simple wave.
I will drag you right down to the depths of this.
I’m the artist whose gallery will hurt your eyes,
I’m the artist who turns everything into lies,
I’m the poet who can write a thousand words
but can’t speak even one of them aloud.
And I am depression nestled deep inside the heart of a poet
who you are just too scared to befriend,
Because you don’t know how soon will be the end.
23/3/11
I am a mere speck in time,
One star in a very full sky
And it kills me – I need to be more
than someone who will just be forgotten.
I am always trying to find
a constellation but I am always
turned away as they shoot off
in all directions,
That’s right - every shooting star is running from me.
I am a mere speck in time,
One lonely star in a too-full sky.
And it kills me – I need to be more
than a simpleton who will just be forgotten.
I am always searching but
only ever finding big holes
to sink right through and I
become so small,
That’s right - every hole was dug and laid in by me.
I am a mere speck in time,
One pathetic star in a crowded sky,
I can’t ignite my light
to even be seen,
If I have to be a stupid star
I’d at least like to be seen,
But I am one
lonely
stupid
pathetic
star
who cannot even ignite enough to be seen,
That’s right I’m one crippled dark star,
And I’ve tried so many times to launch,
But I’ll never shoot through to the heavens,
Yeah that;s where there all going – didn’t you know?
And I’ll never shoot through to the heavens,
I’ll just be left here, ‘til the end time I’ll be alone,
On the darkest night I still cannot be seen.
I’ve tried and I’ve tried to ignite my bright,
But there’s nothing there, there’s nothing
here. This star has no heart left.
I am a mere speck in time,
One star in a very full sky
And it kills me – I need to be more
than someone who will just be forgotten.
I am always trying to find
a constellation but I am always
turned away as they shoot off
in all directions,
That’s right - every shooting star is running from me.
I am a mere speck in time,
One lonely star in a too-full sky.
And it kills me – I need to be more
than a simpleton who will just be forgotten.
I am always searching but
only ever finding big holes
to sink right through and I
become so small,
That’s right - every hole was dug and laid in by me.
I am a mere speck in time,
One pathetic star in a crowded sky,
I can’t ignite my light
to even be seen,
If I have to be a stupid star
I’d at least like to be seen,
But I am one
lonely
stupid
pathetic
star
who cannot even ignite enough to be seen,
That’s right I’m one crippled dark star,
And I’ve tried so many times to launch,
But I’ll never shoot through to the heavens,
Yeah that;s where there all going – didn’t you know?
And I’ll never shoot through to the heavens,
I’ll just be left here, ‘til the end time I’ll be alone,
On the darkest night I still cannot be seen.
I’ve tried and I’ve tried to ignite my bright,
But there’s nothing there, there’s nothing
here. This star has no heart left.
23/3/11
Before I found the world, the world existed,
When I leave the world, the world will still exist,
We think the world is a part of us but really
we are a part of the world.
Before I ever blinked, the world had wars,
After I don’t breathe, the world will have more,
We think history is a part of us but really
we are a part of history.
Before I ever was and after I’ll ever be,
This world will be here for all to see,
with or without me.
Before I found the world, the world existed,
When I leave the world, the world will still exist,
We think the world is a part of us but really
we are a part of the world.
Before I ever blinked, the world had wars,
After I don’t breathe, the world will have more,
We think history is a part of us but really
we are a part of history.
Before I ever was and after I’ll ever be,
This world will be here for all to see,
with or without me.
23/3/11
Well aren’t things beginning to look bad when time
seems to be driving even the stars to suicide,
And we can feel it all the way down on earth,
Observing changing behaviours
as even the moon questions his worth
but hasn’t he heard of the lunacy theories?
Oh someone give him a pill to feel less dreary,
He’s going to need it for this next scene
as the entire sky is beginning to open,
Well things sure are beginning to look hard
when all the twinkle has gone out of each and every star,
And we can feel the vibes way down here,
observing reckless behave ours
as even the sun begins to shed a tear,
He hasn’t seen such a horrible mess
since, well nothing has been worse than this,
Well things are sure starting to look desperate now,
And the shooting stars are igniting fires,
And in panic the people run all around
looking for some kind of dark within the light,
And the sky is truly falling down,
A constellation gathers when one star dies
just a funeral for close family and friends,
A constellation forms when another star
commits suicide.
Well things sure at ending real grim
the man in the moon cannot muster the slightest grin,
Hell he can’t even turn that frown upside down,
And the people are still panicking,
Digging holes all through the ground,
‘Cause the stars are digging black holes
and it really seems there’s no hope,
We’re all just stars trying to dig through to something,
Our problems ignite us and we shoot through the sky
and we just try not to land and light tool many fires,
We’re all just stars trying to dig through to anything,
We’re all just watching as the world falls apart,
We’re all just hoping that all this time of shining
is enough to get us into a better place,
We’re all just hoping when we die
we live on as long as the light
from each and every star.
Well aren’t things beginning to look bad when time
seems to be driving even the stars to suicide,
And we can feel it all the way down on earth,
Observing changing behaviours
as even the moon questions his worth
but hasn’t he heard of the lunacy theories?
Oh someone give him a pill to feel less dreary,
He’s going to need it for this next scene
as the entire sky is beginning to open,
Well things sure are beginning to look hard
when all the twinkle has gone out of each and every star,
And we can feel the vibes way down here,
observing reckless behave ours
as even the sun begins to shed a tear,
He hasn’t seen such a horrible mess
since, well nothing has been worse than this,
Well things are sure starting to look desperate now,
And the shooting stars are igniting fires,
And in panic the people run all around
looking for some kind of dark within the light,
And the sky is truly falling down,
A constellation gathers when one star dies
just a funeral for close family and friends,
A constellation forms when another star
commits suicide.
Well things sure at ending real grim
the man in the moon cannot muster the slightest grin,
Hell he can’t even turn that frown upside down,
And the people are still panicking,
Digging holes all through the ground,
‘Cause the stars are digging black holes
and it really seems there’s no hope,
We’re all just stars trying to dig through to something,
Our problems ignite us and we shoot through the sky
and we just try not to land and light tool many fires,
We’re all just stars trying to dig through to anything,
We’re all just watching as the world falls apart,
We’re all just hoping that all this time of shining
is enough to get us into a better place,
We’re all just hoping when we die
we live on as long as the light
from each and every star.
21/3/11
I am
different
that is to say,
I’m not the same
as everyone else
playing this game,
I am missing
pieces of the puzzle
they were all born
with in their hand,
their hearts,
But I am
different
that is to say,
I’m not the same
as those around me
and it’s you I blame,
You make me
different
You take pieces at a time,
You poison my body,
You ruin my mind,
You are the toaster and I am the knife,
Just trying to clean things but you mess my life,
I am
different
I am
different
that is to say,
I’m not the same
as everyone else
playing this game,
I am missing
pieces of the puzzle
they were all born
with in their hand,
their hearts,
But I am
different
that is to say,
I’m not the same
as those around me
and it’s you I blame,
You make me
different
You take pieces at a time,
You poison my body,
You ruin my mind,
You are the toaster and I am the knife,
Just trying to clean things but you mess my life,
I am
different
Pray
21/3/11
I just had my first shower in days
because I’ve been lying here in a daze,
But a daze sounds too cheerful
and this is a little more grave,
Before I get too lost in my old ways
I guess it’s time to get on my knee’s
and really start to pray.
I just had my first shower in days
because I’ve been lying here in a daze,
But a daze sounds too cheerful
and this is a little more grave,
Before I get too lost in my old ways
I guess it’s time to get on my knee’s
and really start to pray.
18/3/11
I stand on my porch and I retreat
from that first step, I am beat
because the bottom one seems to lead
straight to Hell, yet at the same time
I’m backing right into it in the shape
of my front door, I won’t get any further today.
I’m tired and I’m broken and screw structure,
I can’t find it in life – why should I find it in rhyme?
Outside holds fear and I hate the sound of my cry,
Inside holds my worst enemy – I keep running back to
the bottle that made me feel this way,
A vicious cycle is such an understatement.
I retreat further and further,
I recede further and deeper,
I isolate more and more,
I retreat further and further,
I stand on my porch chain smoking
because it’s better than anything
my head is telling me to do -
at least this way the death is slow,
I’m not old enough to feel so much,
I’m not young enough to find innocence,
I’m in some kind of purgatory
between my front door and those steps
I won’t take, I’m in some kind of internal Hell,
I retreat further and further,
I recede further and deeper,
I isolate more and more,
I recede so deep into myself,
I’m scared the only reason I’m alive is because this heart is beating,
And I hate the sound of my own breath coming in and out,
I’m scared the only reason I’m alive is the rise and fall of my chest,
And I hate the sound of my own living,
I recede deeper into myself.
I stand on my porch and I retreat
from that first step, I am beat
because the bottom one seems to lead
straight to Hell, yet at the same time
I’m backing right into it in the shape
of my front door, I won’t get any further today.
I’m tired and I’m broken and screw structure,
I can’t find it in life – why should I find it in rhyme?
Outside holds fear and I hate the sound of my cry,
Inside holds my worst enemy – I keep running back to
the bottle that made me feel this way,
A vicious cycle is such an understatement.
I retreat further and further,
I recede further and deeper,
I isolate more and more,
I retreat further and further,
I stand on my porch chain smoking
because it’s better than anything
my head is telling me to do -
at least this way the death is slow,
I’m not old enough to feel so much,
I’m not young enough to find innocence,
I’m in some kind of purgatory
between my front door and those steps
I won’t take, I’m in some kind of internal Hell,
I retreat further and further,
I recede further and deeper,
I isolate more and more,
I recede so deep into myself,
I’m scared the only reason I’m alive is because this heart is beating,
And I hate the sound of my own breath coming in and out,
I’m scared the only reason I’m alive is the rise and fall of my chest,
And I hate the sound of my own living,
I recede deeper into myself.
16/3/11
BEAUTIFUL BRUTE.
Like a snarling dog, you can see his teeth twenty four seven,
Because he’s always angry no matter how much he has,
He’s mad because there’s not enough, he’s mad when there’s too much,
He can’t find a reason to relax but he’s constantly chasing it
with his best friend, the bottle.
Like a bear caught in a trap, you can see the pain twenty four seven,
Because he’s always in such agony despite the so called relief,
He’s hurting because he can’t run and when he runs he trips over his own feet,
He can’t find a reason to really try but he’s constantly chasing sanity
with his best friend, the bottle.
Like a once innocent pup, he has grown into such a beautiful brute,
Because his anger and his pain drives him to do things he never thought,
His hands begin to vent right on her face and as he runs he kicks up dirt in her face,
He can’t find a reason to stop his only true relief but he’s constantly chasing
the innocence he once had
with his best friend,
with his worst enemy,
the bottle.
BEAUTIFUL BRUTE.
Like a snarling dog, you can see his teeth twenty four seven,
Because he’s always angry no matter how much he has,
He’s mad because there’s not enough, he’s mad when there’s too much,
He can’t find a reason to relax but he’s constantly chasing it
with his best friend, the bottle.
Like a bear caught in a trap, you can see the pain twenty four seven,
Because he’s always in such agony despite the so called relief,
He’s hurting because he can’t run and when he runs he trips over his own feet,
He can’t find a reason to really try but he’s constantly chasing sanity
with his best friend, the bottle.
Like a once innocent pup, he has grown into such a beautiful brute,
Because his anger and his pain drives him to do things he never thought,
His hands begin to vent right on her face and as he runs he kicks up dirt in her face,
He can’t find a reason to stop his only true relief but he’s constantly chasing
the innocence he once had
with his best friend,
with his worst enemy,
the bottle.
9/3/11
The Wave That Drowned.
I want so desperately to be the waves
so I could crush you with my words,
But you are like the synchronised fish
that does back flips right through me,
And I must be the weakest wave in the sea
because I am just always breaking for you.
I want so desperately to have some power,
I hold on so tight to so many things,
But they all seem to know how to swim
and how the hell does a wave come to drown?
And I must be the weakest wave in the sea
because I can feel my own limbs breaking for you.
I crave so desperately to be the waves
so I could make an impact on your life,
But you are so like a sailor in a storm,
Experienced and determined, a hero
right until the end when, a hero right
until the end when we find out,
And I must be the weakest wave in the sea,
Started off gathering and growing but whatever
I do I seem to end up underwater,
How the hell does a wave come to drown?
I tried to drown you I admit, I tried,
I tried to take you down, I admit, I tried,
I wanted you out of the picture,
But now the foam paints your face
time again and again and again,
I tried to rid myself of you
But for such a small fish you sure keep up a pace,
But for such a small fish you sure know how to catch up,
Since when is the fish stronger than the wave?
And now I will drown myself, this could get tricky,
And now I will drown myself for I failed,
So now I will...
With the shore so distant, I,
With the shore a speck, I
With the shore out sight, I
die.
The Wave That Drowned.
I want so desperately to be the waves
so I could crush you with my words,
But you are like the synchronised fish
that does back flips right through me,
And I must be the weakest wave in the sea
because I am just always breaking for you.
I want so desperately to have some power,
I hold on so tight to so many things,
But they all seem to know how to swim
and how the hell does a wave come to drown?
And I must be the weakest wave in the sea
because I can feel my own limbs breaking for you.
I crave so desperately to be the waves
so I could make an impact on your life,
But you are so like a sailor in a storm,
Experienced and determined, a hero
right until the end when, a hero right
until the end when we find out,
And I must be the weakest wave in the sea,
Started off gathering and growing but whatever
I do I seem to end up underwater,
How the hell does a wave come to drown?
I tried to drown you I admit, I tried,
I tried to take you down, I admit, I tried,
I wanted you out of the picture,
But now the foam paints your face
time again and again and again,
I tried to rid myself of you
But for such a small fish you sure keep up a pace,
But for such a small fish you sure know how to catch up,
Since when is the fish stronger than the wave?
And now I will drown myself, this could get tricky,
And now I will drown myself for I failed,
So now I will...
With the shore so distant, I,
With the shore a speck, I
With the shore out sight, I
die.
28/3/11
What would you say if I said
the sky is an illusion above our head,
It is merely a blanket to cover the heavens,
So we can’t see what we’re going to get
until we’re dead...
And this being the case, we’re all treating
the dirt like a trampoline to get just a glimpse,
That’s why we bury the dead underground,
pretending we’re not in on the secret,
But either the springs give in and you sink
right through to Hell, or the springs
are your friend and you get just a glimpse
before you’re left in the ground, just bouncing
up and down but never really settling,
Is this what they call limbo? Is this what they
call purgatory?
So then who is it that weighs our hearts and decides,
Is it the worms that feed on our dead bodies
sending messages, maybe it’s the taste
and maybe worms really have a purpose,
The only truth I know is the sky is a blanket
covering the heavens and if so, this dirt’s
springs better not give in any time soon,
But really, how long can a trampoline last?
One day, will we all go to Hell, no questions
asked, and then we’re all in a rush to beat that day,
No wonder there are so many suicides these days,
All trying to get into heaven or more so all trying
to stay out of Hell,
what if under that blanket of stars lies Hell?
We got it all mixed around and the heaven
is below, and the Hell is above, but how
will we ever know while we’re alive?
We won’t.
What would you say if I said
the sky is an illusion above our head,
It is merely a blanket to cover the heavens,
So we can’t see what we’re going to get
until we’re dead...
And this being the case, we’re all treating
the dirt like a trampoline to get just a glimpse,
That’s why we bury the dead underground,
pretending we’re not in on the secret,
But either the springs give in and you sink
right through to Hell, or the springs
are your friend and you get just a glimpse
before you’re left in the ground, just bouncing
up and down but never really settling,
Is this what they call limbo? Is this what they
call purgatory?
So then who is it that weighs our hearts and decides,
Is it the worms that feed on our dead bodies
sending messages, maybe it’s the taste
and maybe worms really have a purpose,
The only truth I know is the sky is a blanket
covering the heavens and if so, this dirt’s
springs better not give in any time soon,
But really, how long can a trampoline last?
One day, will we all go to Hell, no questions
asked, and then we’re all in a rush to beat that day,
No wonder there are so many suicides these days,
All trying to get into heaven or more so all trying
to stay out of Hell,
what if under that blanket of stars lies Hell?
We got it all mixed around and the heaven
is below, and the Hell is above, but how
will we ever know while we’re alive?
We won’t.
24/3
24/3/11
I cannot get out of bed
to even eat
to just shower
to even live
to just breathe
some different air.
Because the air in here is
getting musty
feeling full
getting suffocating
feeling unclean
just like my body.
I cannot get out of my head
to just think positive
to just move forward
to just not cry for one day
to just think differently.
Because I’m breathing in
all this negativity
all this wrong
every mistake
that I revisit while I lie here,
Just staring at the ceiling,
Just doing absolutely nothing
and filling my time with it,
Just feeling awfully lousy
and filling my time with it,
Just feeling like I wish the ceiling
would cave in,
And take me with it.
I cannot get out of bed
to even eat
to just shower
to even live
to just breathe
some different air.
Because the air in here is
getting musty
feeling full
getting suffocating
feeling unclean
just like my body.
I cannot get out of my head
to just think positive
to just move forward
to just not cry for one day
to just think differently.
Because I’m breathing in
all this negativity
all this wrong
every mistake
that I revisit while I lie here,
Just staring at the ceiling,
Just doing absolutely nothing
and filling my time with it,
Just feeling awfully lousy
and filling my time with it,
Just feeling like I wish the ceiling
would cave in,
And take me with it.
14/3/11
14/3/11
I’ve lost my drive -
my weak feet
are on the pedals
but the engine
is not running.
I pump and pump,
I’ve slept and slept,
Trying to renew,
Trying to refresh
the drive I not so long ago had,
But I can’t find it,
And I can’t weep
because I refuse to be that weak.
I pump and pump
until my feet blister,
Trying to fight,
Trying to hear whispers
of the drive I not so long ago had,
But I can’t see it,
And I can’t weep
because I swear not to be that weak.
Double standards I create
will kill me, that I know,
I am just not sure I care,
The things I have done,
Sure I will reap what I sow,
And all of this, I know,
I am just not sure I care,
I stand, I sit, I sit some more,
I lay down staring at the door,
But I can’t quite mould my hand
to the door that I can no longer understand
So I sit, I sit and I sit some more.
I’ve pumped and pumped,
Hell, I’ve slept and slept,
Trying to renew,
Trying to refresh,
The whole time simply begging
for death.
I’ve lost my drive -
my weak feet
are on the pedals
but the engine
is not running.
I pump and pump,
I’ve slept and slept,
Trying to renew,
Trying to refresh
the drive I not so long ago had,
But I can’t find it,
And I can’t weep
because I refuse to be that weak.
I pump and pump
until my feet blister,
Trying to fight,
Trying to hear whispers
of the drive I not so long ago had,
But I can’t see it,
And I can’t weep
because I swear not to be that weak.
Double standards I create
will kill me, that I know,
I am just not sure I care,
The things I have done,
Sure I will reap what I sow,
And all of this, I know,
I am just not sure I care,
I stand, I sit, I sit some more,
I lay down staring at the door,
But I can’t quite mould my hand
to the door that I can no longer understand
So I sit, I sit and I sit some more.
I’ve pumped and pumped,
Hell, I’ve slept and slept,
Trying to renew,
Trying to refresh,
The whole time simply begging
for death.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Beautiful Boy, Mark.
4/5/11
Beauty boy, Mark.
(Dedicated to Mark Priestley)
Beautiful boy, telling eyes
with a crystal clear smile
etched deep in all our minds,
I remember,
We remember.
I wish I could throw my hands into the ground,
find your body, breathe your air back,
But I cannot save you, they cannot save you,
nobody can save you now,
So I will save myself instead.
I will save myself.
Contagious smile baby boy,
keep your head up they said,
baby boy, keep up the chin,
Contagious smile baby boy,
I hope you’re pain is gone.
I know you’re pain is gone.
I promise you your smile will go on
but your sadness won’t,
A lasting smile - if only
you knew your sadness would pass,
You would still... but you’re not,
So I will save myself instead,
I will save myself.
I promise you taught me,
I promise you taught me
I remember.
I know your smile is here with me,
I know your beauty boy,
And so I know mine,
I know your beauty boy
that you couldn’t see,
I know your beauty boy
it’s crystal clear to me.
Beauty boy, Mark.
(Dedicated to Mark Priestley)
Beautiful boy, telling eyes
with a crystal clear smile
etched deep in all our minds,
I remember,
We remember.
I wish I could throw my hands into the ground,
find your body, breathe your air back,
But I cannot save you, they cannot save you,
nobody can save you now,
So I will save myself instead.
I will save myself.
Contagious smile baby boy,
keep your head up they said,
baby boy, keep up the chin,
Contagious smile baby boy,
I hope you’re pain is gone.
I know you’re pain is gone.
I promise you your smile will go on
but your sadness won’t,
A lasting smile - if only
you knew your sadness would pass,
You would still... but you’re not,
So I will save myself instead,
I will save myself.
I promise you taught me,
I promise you taught me
I remember.
I know your smile is here with me,
I know your beauty boy,
And so I know mine,
I know your beauty boy
that you couldn’t see,
I know your beauty boy
it’s crystal clear to me.
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