31/1/11
Darting eyes follow a dragonfly,
Paws up and down and again
pacing aside the water, watching
ever so patient, waiting
for the opportunity that will never come,
Is the insect clever or just lucky?
He balances on air ripples smartly,
Lazily yet quickly gliding through the air
as low as the ground one second,
Next as high as the tree’s,
Darting eyes follow a dragonfly,
Tail to the left, to the right again,
mouth opens softly with impatience
growing, paws up and down but no luck,
Is the insect thinking or just instinctual?
He swerves in the shape of a z,
Slowing down as he finds a nice breeze
that lets his tiny wings gain a rest,
Still they move faster than
the darting eyes,
With no words a game is played
over and over and over again,
The joys of nature.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
13/1/11
Do you feel you shoulder all the blame,
Do you feel even an inch of my pain,
Do you live like me - every day the same,
I go over the memories again and again,
And it makes me hate myself,
I am so dirty, I cannot get clean,
I am so desperate that
I even tried using gasoline
to burn away all of my scars
but all it did was burn away
any hope I dared to have last.
I have been told ‘kid, grit, get over this,
You’re holding too tight onto the past,
Why the hell can’t you move on,
I swear it is not as hard
as you are making out, have a shower,
Wake up, get on with the day’
And I inserted the tape again,
And I press rewind, play, rewind play,
I scrutinize your face to place some blame,
I live every day the same over again and again.
I am so dirty, I cannot get clean,
I am so desperate that
I even tried using gasoline
to burn away all of my scars
but all it did was burn away
Any hope I dared to have last.
My lungs feel like they’re full of water
Rather than air, yeah, I’m drowning,
while you’re yelling ‘grit your teeth, kid’,
Well all that does is trap the water in,
And make me drown a little bit faster, oh
I can hardly breathe.
I am so dirty, water is so weak,
I am so desperate that
I even tried to burn my heart
clean with a can of gasoline,
But all it did was burn away
my entire identity, my face.
Do you feel you shoulder all the blame,
Do you feel even an inch of my pain,
Do you live like me - every day the same,
I go over the memories again and again,
And it makes me hate myself,
I am so dirty, I cannot get clean,
I am so desperate that
I even tried using gasoline
to burn away all of my scars
but all it did was burn away
any hope I dared to have last.
I have been told ‘kid, grit, get over this,
You’re holding too tight onto the past,
Why the hell can’t you move on,
I swear it is not as hard
as you are making out, have a shower,
Wake up, get on with the day’
And I inserted the tape again,
And I press rewind, play, rewind play,
I scrutinize your face to place some blame,
I live every day the same over again and again.
I am so dirty, I cannot get clean,
I am so desperate that
I even tried using gasoline
to burn away all of my scars
but all it did was burn away
Any hope I dared to have last.
My lungs feel like they’re full of water
Rather than air, yeah, I’m drowning,
while you’re yelling ‘grit your teeth, kid’,
Well all that does is trap the water in,
And make me drown a little bit faster, oh
I can hardly breathe.
I am so dirty, water is so weak,
I am so desperate that
I even tried to burn my heart
clean with a can of gasoline,
But all it did was burn away
my entire identity, my face.
January
13/1/11
I didn’t set the fucking fire
but that doesn’t mean I can walk away
without feeling guilt or shame,
You just don’t walk past a choking baby,
It’s not just the perpetrator that feels the blame.
And you walk around setting fires,
And you walk around picking
At your shoulder,
And we all know you only laugh so hard
to cover up the fact that you want to cry.
The world is so full of, I didn’t
start it so I won’t bother to try to end it
and how will the world make it through this,
You just don’t walk past a burning building,
Trust me, it’s not just the sunny skies you’ll miss.
And you walk around setting fires,
And you walk around picking
At your shoulder,
And we all know you only laugh so hard
to cover up the fact that you want to cry.
I’ve never walked past a burning tree,
Maybe if I had I wouldn’t have so much empathy,
Maybe I’m in the wrong and the healthy
are the ones who can walk past the bum on the street
without feeling a twinge of sympathy.
And you walk around setting fires,
And you walk around picking
At your shoulder,
And we all know you only laugh so hard
to cover up the fact that you want to cry.
Yeah ‘cause you want to cry,
‘Cause you’d love to be the hero,
But you know you’re evil inside,
through and through,
Yeah ‘cause you’ve never cried.
I didn’t set the fucking fire
but that doesn’t mean I can walk away
without feeling guilt or shame,
You just don’t walk past a choking baby,
It’s not just the perpetrator that feels the blame.
And you walk around setting fires,
And you walk around picking
At your shoulder,
And we all know you only laugh so hard
to cover up the fact that you want to cry.
The world is so full of, I didn’t
start it so I won’t bother to try to end it
and how will the world make it through this,
You just don’t walk past a burning building,
Trust me, it’s not just the sunny skies you’ll miss.
And you walk around setting fires,
And you walk around picking
At your shoulder,
And we all know you only laugh so hard
to cover up the fact that you want to cry.
I’ve never walked past a burning tree,
Maybe if I had I wouldn’t have so much empathy,
Maybe I’m in the wrong and the healthy
are the ones who can walk past the bum on the street
without feeling a twinge of sympathy.
And you walk around setting fires,
And you walk around picking
At your shoulder,
And we all know you only laugh so hard
to cover up the fact that you want to cry.
Yeah ‘cause you want to cry,
‘Cause you’d love to be the hero,
But you know you’re evil inside,
through and through,
Yeah ‘cause you’ve never cried.
A different kind of footprints
My body is so full of footprints -
like wet cement, I’m drawn in,
Graffiti your name, take a hold ‘cause
This is history in the making,
I’ll keep you dried inside me forever and never say,
Long after you skip town,
Long after we never really met,
Long after the G word…you will remain,
Good riddance is so easy to say,
(It’s the goodbye that’s hard)
But darling, it’s more than time,
This has been so long in the making,
(Why does it feel it’s come on so fast)
So now I’m sick of being a footpath -
I am a human, I’m not fucking concrete,
So take it back, and take this in ‘cause
This is history in the making,
Who knew you could hate someone you loved so dearly?
Long after you told another lie,
Long after I never really knew you,
Long after the G word…you will remain
Good riddance is so easy to say,
(It’s the goodbye that’s hard)
But darling, it’s more than time,
This has been so long in the making,
(Why does it feel it’s come on so fast)
So I’m not a mode of transport,
I won’t get you from point A to Z,
I’ll try to get you from not guilty to -
well no, you’ll never feel guilt,
(now that would be history worth reading)
‘Cause in the end you are nothing like me after all,
Long after I screamed,
Long after I said ‘enough!’,
Long after the G word was never uttered,
Well my chest is not for your foot,
So I say, so I say, with so much difficulty,
so I walk away, so I walk away,
If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth doing,
Good riddance and goodbye.
like wet cement, I’m drawn in,
Graffiti your name, take a hold ‘cause
This is history in the making,
I’ll keep you dried inside me forever and never say,
Long after you skip town,
Long after we never really met,
Long after the G word…you will remain,
Good riddance is so easy to say,
(It’s the goodbye that’s hard)
But darling, it’s more than time,
This has been so long in the making,
(Why does it feel it’s come on so fast)
So now I’m sick of being a footpath -
I am a human, I’m not fucking concrete,
So take it back, and take this in ‘cause
This is history in the making,
Who knew you could hate someone you loved so dearly?
Long after you told another lie,
Long after I never really knew you,
Long after the G word…you will remain
Good riddance is so easy to say,
(It’s the goodbye that’s hard)
But darling, it’s more than time,
This has been so long in the making,
(Why does it feel it’s come on so fast)
So I’m not a mode of transport,
I won’t get you from point A to Z,
I’ll try to get you from not guilty to -
well no, you’ll never feel guilt,
(now that would be history worth reading)
‘Cause in the end you are nothing like me after all,
Long after I screamed,
Long after I said ‘enough!’,
Long after the G word was never uttered,
Well my chest is not for your foot,
So I say, so I say, with so much difficulty,
so I walk away, so I walk away,
If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth doing,
Good riddance and goodbye.
Don't Forget Which Side Of The Doctors Desk You Sit On
9/12/10
‘Don’t forget which side of the doctors
desk you sit on’,
I’m not saying doctors know best
but you don’t have a degree
so you can’t have an opinion,
Common sense got pushed out the window
and they made it look like a suicide
when we all know it was murder,
Shove the doctors channel into your ear,
Full blast, block all else out, and hear the message,
Well you’re a kid who feels a little sad,
And you’re not sleeping real well,
You use whiskey to get some z’s,
Well, oh how unique,
Here’s a prescription with a pill
and water, in brackets whiskey.
‘Don’t forget which side of the doctors
desk you sit on’
What I’m saying is doctors know shit
and I mightn’t have a degree
but I do have vocal chords,
Sometimes doctors get stuck in a routine
and they work like machinery
writing the same script thirty times,
With no thoughts to the differences
like age, diet, alcohol intake, or your past,
Well you’re a kid who feels a little down,
And you’re not dreaming real well,
You use whiskey to get some z’s,
Well, oh how unique,
Here’s a prescription with a pill
and water, in brackets whiskey.
And the number one rule
they teach now at doctors school
is ‘patient’s are all the same,
you scribble a prescription that ensures monthly check ups,
It’s all about the money - we’ll get to health later,
First comes the green- it’s what it’s all about,
Drop out now if all you want is to save lives’
‘Don’t forget which side of the doctors
desk you sit on’ I’m saying doctors
are so helpless to the hopeless patient,
And the medical profession is a worry
‘cause depression is progressing,
And the helpless have no hope
so how can they be expected to help the hopeless?
‘Don’t forget which side of the doctors
desk you sit on’,
I’m not saying doctors know best
but you don’t have a degree
so you can’t have an opinion,
Common sense got pushed out the window
and they made it look like a suicide
when we all know it was murder,
Shove the doctors channel into your ear,
Full blast, block all else out, and hear the message,
Well you’re a kid who feels a little sad,
And you’re not sleeping real well,
You use whiskey to get some z’s,
Well, oh how unique,
Here’s a prescription with a pill
and water, in brackets whiskey.
‘Don’t forget which side of the doctors
desk you sit on’
What I’m saying is doctors know shit
and I mightn’t have a degree
but I do have vocal chords,
Sometimes doctors get stuck in a routine
and they work like machinery
writing the same script thirty times,
With no thoughts to the differences
like age, diet, alcohol intake, or your past,
Well you’re a kid who feels a little down,
And you’re not dreaming real well,
You use whiskey to get some z’s,
Well, oh how unique,
Here’s a prescription with a pill
and water, in brackets whiskey.
And the number one rule
they teach now at doctors school
is ‘patient’s are all the same,
you scribble a prescription that ensures monthly check ups,
It’s all about the money - we’ll get to health later,
First comes the green- it’s what it’s all about,
Drop out now if all you want is to save lives’
‘Don’t forget which side of the doctors
desk you sit on’ I’m saying doctors
are so helpless to the hopeless patient,
And the medical profession is a worry
‘cause depression is progressing,
And the helpless have no hope
so how can they be expected to help the hopeless?
Fighting, screaming,
Hands trying to hold back the tide
and then drag it back out,
I thought I could swim alright
but the rules are different
in the darkest hour of the night,
In the deepest part of the ocean,
I’m unseen.
In my dreams I,
Am so desperately trying to jump
through the lines of time,
I thought I could erase this
but what’s done is done
and I’ve no power to change it,
The tidal wave screams through me,
I’m unliving.
Denial is not a river in Egypt
but I do have mommy issues,
She couldn’t protect me
But neither could daddy,
‘Cause every secret I hid
was buried deep inside a pyramid.
You can’t run from a tidal wave
Just like you can’t blow away a hurricane
But I’ve been drowning fires
in gasoline for years and years.
Denial’s addiction is the brain,
It’s like using a paper umbrella
to protect yourself from the rain.
And this pyramid heart
is slowly being dismantled stone by stone,
I’ve such a long way to go,
But at least I am letting the armor
that has been dragging down my lips and my shoulder
slowly fall, I’m sharing the weight ‘cause
Unintentionally I’m inevitably growing older.
I may not be able to control the weather
But I can make the decision to let my defenses down,
I may not be able to control the balance in my mind
But I can make the decision to never back down,
And I can wake up in the morning with the intention
to just make it through another day holding my head
up above the water.
Hands trying to hold back the tide
and then drag it back out,
I thought I could swim alright
but the rules are different
in the darkest hour of the night,
In the deepest part of the ocean,
I’m unseen.
In my dreams I,
Am so desperately trying to jump
through the lines of time,
I thought I could erase this
but what’s done is done
and I’ve no power to change it,
The tidal wave screams through me,
I’m unliving.
Denial is not a river in Egypt
but I do have mommy issues,
She couldn’t protect me
But neither could daddy,
‘Cause every secret I hid
was buried deep inside a pyramid.
You can’t run from a tidal wave
Just like you can’t blow away a hurricane
But I’ve been drowning fires
in gasoline for years and years.
Denial’s addiction is the brain,
It’s like using a paper umbrella
to protect yourself from the rain.
And this pyramid heart
is slowly being dismantled stone by stone,
I’ve such a long way to go,
But at least I am letting the armor
that has been dragging down my lips and my shoulder
slowly fall, I’m sharing the weight ‘cause
Unintentionally I’m inevitably growing older.
I may not be able to control the weather
But I can make the decision to let my defenses down,
I may not be able to control the balance in my mind
But I can make the decision to never back down,
And I can wake up in the morning with the intention
to just make it through another day holding my head
up above the water.
-
15/11/10
Do you believe in the devil?
I don’t think I thought about it ‘til now,
If there’s good there must be evil,
And I’ve seen more of one than the other,
And you must know who you serve,
You cannot possibly think that you are pure,
Is that why you take it from others?
And you must know who you serve.
I refuse to go to Hell,
I’ll stay in a life I hate to avoid you,
You don’t deserve so many words
But I just cannot seem to move on at all,
And I know who I wish to serve,
Maybe I can get back some of that pure
that you’re so, so blessed with,
And I know who I wish to serve.
If you’re in Hell,
I’m in Heaven,
And if you’re in Heaven,
I’ll take Hell on,
Fuck, if you even try to step close
I swear I’ll move faster than the air,
Fuck, if you even try to step close,
I swear to keep myself from Hell,
I’ll force myself to move faster than the air.
And I know who you serve even if you aren’t aware,
And I know who I wish to serve – whoever the hell you don’t.
Do you believe in the devil?
I don’t think I thought about it ‘til now,
If there’s good there must be evil,
And I’ve seen more of one than the other,
And you must know who you serve,
You cannot possibly think that you are pure,
Is that why you take it from others?
And you must know who you serve.
I refuse to go to Hell,
I’ll stay in a life I hate to avoid you,
You don’t deserve so many words
But I just cannot seem to move on at all,
And I know who I wish to serve,
Maybe I can get back some of that pure
that you’re so, so blessed with,
And I know who I wish to serve.
If you’re in Hell,
I’m in Heaven,
And if you’re in Heaven,
I’ll take Hell on,
Fuck, if you even try to step close
I swear I’ll move faster than the air,
Fuck, if you even try to step close,
I swear to keep myself from Hell,
I’ll force myself to move faster than the air.
And I know who you serve even if you aren’t aware,
And I know who I wish to serve – whoever the hell you don’t.
-
15/11/10
Does it haunt you like it haunts me?
I hope it twists every one of your dreams,
And I hope you finally opened up to your
closest friend and I hope they ran so fucking far
in the other direction,
Then maybe you’ll see, fuck it, no you won’t,
You will never know how I hate,
I hate to admit but you are the core of my very being,
I swear I won’t let myself live on like this,
I will rid you from my bones.
Does it hurt you like it hurts me?
I hope it twists your stomach to pieces,
And I hope you finally chose to take a drink
and a drive off such a short bridge, fuck it I don’t
care how you die,
Then maybe you’ll pay, fuck it, no you won’t,
Nothing can ever be a fair trade,
I hate to admit but you are the core of my very being,
I swear I won’t let myself live on like this,
I will rid you from my bones.
I’d drain all my blood if I thought it would get you out
of my system but I’d still feel you in my heart,
I’d cut it out if I thought it would get you out
of my system but I’d still feel you in my bones,
I’d cut them all out if I thought it would get you out
of my system but I’d still feel you in my fucking head,
I can’t riid my body of this,
I swear I will not let you live,
I will get you the fuck out of my mind,
’Cause I have something you will never have,
And that is the chance to begin again,
And you might remain in my mind,
But I will clear you from my very spirit,
Revenge will not be my cause for living,
And you will not be the core of my very being.
Does it haunt you like it haunts me?
I hope it twists every one of your dreams,
And I hope you finally opened up to your
closest friend and I hope they ran so fucking far
in the other direction,
Then maybe you’ll see, fuck it, no you won’t,
You will never know how I hate,
I hate to admit but you are the core of my very being,
I swear I won’t let myself live on like this,
I will rid you from my bones.
Does it hurt you like it hurts me?
I hope it twists your stomach to pieces,
And I hope you finally chose to take a drink
and a drive off such a short bridge, fuck it I don’t
care how you die,
Then maybe you’ll pay, fuck it, no you won’t,
Nothing can ever be a fair trade,
I hate to admit but you are the core of my very being,
I swear I won’t let myself live on like this,
I will rid you from my bones.
I’d drain all my blood if I thought it would get you out
of my system but I’d still feel you in my heart,
I’d cut it out if I thought it would get you out
of my system but I’d still feel you in my bones,
I’d cut them all out if I thought it would get you out
of my system but I’d still feel you in my fucking head,
I can’t riid my body of this,
I swear I will not let you live,
I will get you the fuck out of my mind,
’Cause I have something you will never have,
And that is the chance to begin again,
And you might remain in my mind,
But I will clear you from my very spirit,
Revenge will not be my cause for living,
And you will not be the core of my very being.
Senses Fail.
I need to disconnect from the shallowness
of the world, I need to throw it all out,
So I burn down my house and another cigarette,
And I say goodbye to all my possessions,
And I tell myself that none of it matters,
I taste the smoke in the back of my throat,
And I see the flames eat all my favourite things,
I listen to every thought before I rid myself of it,
I run my hands over the cuts on my skin,
I breathe in deep and smell my life rot away,
And then I breathe again and I let my
senses fail.
I try to close my mind to everything
about life, I need to have none of it,
So I put a cigarette to my skin, watch it burn,
But I said goodbye to any feelings,
And I tell myself the pain doesn’t exist,
I taste the blood I bit from my tongue,
And I see my skin ripple and burn a little,
I hear the quiet crackling so comforting,
I run my hands over my sick bones,
I breathe in deep and smell my body rot away,
And then I breathe again and I let my
senses fail.
of the world, I need to throw it all out,
So I burn down my house and another cigarette,
And I say goodbye to all my possessions,
And I tell myself that none of it matters,
I taste the smoke in the back of my throat,
And I see the flames eat all my favourite things,
I listen to every thought before I rid myself of it,
I run my hands over the cuts on my skin,
I breathe in deep and smell my life rot away,
And then I breathe again and I let my
senses fail.
I try to close my mind to everything
about life, I need to have none of it,
So I put a cigarette to my skin, watch it burn,
But I said goodbye to any feelings,
And I tell myself the pain doesn’t exist,
I taste the blood I bit from my tongue,
And I see my skin ripple and burn a little,
I hear the quiet crackling so comforting,
I run my hands over my sick bones,
I breathe in deep and smell my body rot away,
And then I breathe again and I let my
senses fail.
Wolf.
29/11/10
A smoldering cauldron,
a piece of my hair, his hair,
A few foreign words and a cackle,
Smoke rises and so does a creature,
My past has been given form,
And now as I try to sleep
I am haunted by a snarling sound
and the scent of wet wolf,
And now I fail to sleep,
for when I close these eyes
my eyelids play scenes
that should never been seen,
and when I open them too
I still see scenes
that should never be seen,
I lie on my back
my shoulder pinned down
by huge paws
I feel the saliva drop
onto my face
but I cannot wipe it off,
Nausea is an understatement,
my stomach tries to crawl
right out of my body up my throat
and past my teeth
and this is all too similar
despite the metaphors,
and this is all déjà vu
in a dream kind of way,
my favourite re-enactments
are the ones where I kill you,
my current re-enactment
involves my older self
trying to comfort the younger,
but both are so mad,
and going mad with madness,
and when innocence has left a child so young
to be replaced with murderous intent
you know the world’s gone wrong,
And as I try simply to live,
I am haunted by a snarl
and the scent of wet wolf,
and the paw are not just resting
but are digging deep now,
He wishes to bury his sins in my chest,
Well, too late, you did that,
That’s where we’re at,
He wishes to himself forget,
Well, too late, you did that,
That’s why you’re not here,
And I lie only under the ghost of a wolf
who I could swear was so real just five minutes ago,
But the truth is my madness is driving me mad,
And as I try to sleep
I hear such a menacing snarl,
And I avoid looking in mirrors
So I don’t have to see him up there
balancing upon my shoulders,
always.
A smoldering cauldron,
a piece of my hair, his hair,
A few foreign words and a cackle,
Smoke rises and so does a creature,
My past has been given form,
And now as I try to sleep
I am haunted by a snarling sound
and the scent of wet wolf,
And now I fail to sleep,
for when I close these eyes
my eyelids play scenes
that should never been seen,
and when I open them too
I still see scenes
that should never be seen,
I lie on my back
my shoulder pinned down
by huge paws
I feel the saliva drop
onto my face
but I cannot wipe it off,
Nausea is an understatement,
my stomach tries to crawl
right out of my body up my throat
and past my teeth
and this is all too similar
despite the metaphors,
and this is all déjà vu
in a dream kind of way,
my favourite re-enactments
are the ones where I kill you,
my current re-enactment
involves my older self
trying to comfort the younger,
but both are so mad,
and going mad with madness,
and when innocence has left a child so young
to be replaced with murderous intent
you know the world’s gone wrong,
And as I try simply to live,
I am haunted by a snarl
and the scent of wet wolf,
and the paw are not just resting
but are digging deep now,
He wishes to bury his sins in my chest,
Well, too late, you did that,
That’s where we’re at,
He wishes to himself forget,
Well, too late, you did that,
That’s why you’re not here,
And I lie only under the ghost of a wolf
who I could swear was so real just five minutes ago,
But the truth is my madness is driving me mad,
And as I try to sleep
I hear such a menacing snarl,
And I avoid looking in mirrors
So I don’t have to see him up there
balancing upon my shoulders,
always.
Help.
25/11/10
There was an old well up top
of the hill outside of town,
Had a little memorial in the garden
for all the people who drank the water
and parted ways from this world,
I stared down the walls,
And I got the bucket, lowered it,
I didn’t give myself time to think,
I pulled it back up and swallowed it,
Now the real catch on the curse is
once you drink then you trip.
I looked up from so far down,
Could hardly see the sun,
And my voice sounded so little
and there was this running water
that I had to drink to save from drowning,
I tried to scale the walls,
But I just couldn’t find a grip,
Now I had too much time to think,
And I took scull and scull, no sips,
Now the real catch on the curse is
once you scull then you slip.
No way out! I was all alone
for real this time.
No way up! I was all stuck
for real this time.
This wasn’t like the times I sat at the bar
and I hung my head and ran my mouth,
This wasn’t like the nights I lay in my room
and I thought of hanging my own neck,
‘Cause now,
I’m at the bottom of the poisonous well,
It seems too deep to be pulled out,
I really cursed myself this time.
I’m just fighting to keep the liquid at my feet,
It rises fast and my stomach is full
But my throat, my guts scream out ‘drink’,
And this is no easy fairytale where a prince
will come, lower a rope and haul you out,
This is the curse of the poisonous well.
The sun plays peek-a-boo
And I cannot tell the time that has passed,
I think sometimes I sleep,
Because I think I had a dream
I had a shovel to dig myself deeper,
Now my only friend is the poison,
And what a friend it is,
It helps me celebrate, commiserate,
It helps me sleep, it helps me wake,
Mostly it helps me breathe,
But I guess it gives me the shakes.
And I stare up towards the sun
But it might be the moon for all I knew,
Visionless and directionless,
A complete wreck, the water
was getting harder to drink,
It made it’s way up past my hip,
And I’ve always been afraid of dying,
And I knew that I was dying,
So, so tentatively I called out “help”’
I heard an exclamation, ‘oh there’s
someone at the bottom of the well,
Here we are, a rope, hold on,
We’ll pull you out’.
Oh.
There was an old well up top
of the hill outside of town,
Had a little memorial in the garden
for all the people who drank the water
and parted ways from this world,
I stared down the walls,
And I got the bucket, lowered it,
I didn’t give myself time to think,
I pulled it back up and swallowed it,
Now the real catch on the curse is
once you drink then you trip.
I looked up from so far down,
Could hardly see the sun,
And my voice sounded so little
and there was this running water
that I had to drink to save from drowning,
I tried to scale the walls,
But I just couldn’t find a grip,
Now I had too much time to think,
And I took scull and scull, no sips,
Now the real catch on the curse is
once you scull then you slip.
No way out! I was all alone
for real this time.
No way up! I was all stuck
for real this time.
This wasn’t like the times I sat at the bar
and I hung my head and ran my mouth,
This wasn’t like the nights I lay in my room
and I thought of hanging my own neck,
‘Cause now,
I’m at the bottom of the poisonous well,
It seems too deep to be pulled out,
I really cursed myself this time.
I’m just fighting to keep the liquid at my feet,
It rises fast and my stomach is full
But my throat, my guts scream out ‘drink’,
And this is no easy fairytale where a prince
will come, lower a rope and haul you out,
This is the curse of the poisonous well.
The sun plays peek-a-boo
And I cannot tell the time that has passed,
I think sometimes I sleep,
Because I think I had a dream
I had a shovel to dig myself deeper,
Now my only friend is the poison,
And what a friend it is,
It helps me celebrate, commiserate,
It helps me sleep, it helps me wake,
Mostly it helps me breathe,
But I guess it gives me the shakes.
And I stare up towards the sun
But it might be the moon for all I knew,
Visionless and directionless,
A complete wreck, the water
was getting harder to drink,
It made it’s way up past my hip,
And I’ve always been afraid of dying,
And I knew that I was dying,
So, so tentatively I called out “help”’
I heard an exclamation, ‘oh there’s
someone at the bottom of the well,
Here we are, a rope, hold on,
We’ll pull you out’.
Oh.
-
24+25/11/10
I gotta get these lines down quick
‘Cause they fade in an instant, a click,
I’ve been trying to protect myself from the rain
with a tissue paper umbrella but I just end up yellin’
As the lightning strikes me over and again,
And in my head, I’m so sick,
But I’m giving up lying
and taking up trying,
I’m giving up giving up,
(There’s no time for that)
‘Cause life passes fast while I remain afraid
Questioning my wellbeing, am I insane,
I’ve been trying to put out a thousand fires
with all this gasoline, I burn my wrists clean
As I turn into one of those liars
I hate, I remain,
To move on I gotta look back
while I stare forward,
I cannot afford to get stuck,
I stop myself mid-run,
Remind myself what needs to be done,
And I finally put the drink down
But I couldn’t throw the permanent frown,
Like a Barbie I have a smile so fake,
I need a manual on how not to make
a mess of everything over again,
My feet itched so hard I ran.
‘Kid, it’s about time to face your past,
Your feet gotta stop kicking up all this dust.’
‘Cause the clock tick tock’s my life away,
I’ve got a thousand and one reasons to stay,
But I’ve got a thousand and one to leave too,
The balance of this is just way too perfect,
So it’s a toss up and it goes from “I can’t make it through”,
to ‘I’ve no choice, I’m fighting this war - win or lose’
And like Linus I need a security blanket,
I don’t know how to make it through without it,
it’s not drinking and it’s not drugs,
Might sound lame but now it’s love,
And I’m giving up lying,
and taking up trying,
giving up giving up,
There’s no time left for that.
And I will overpower my past,
And I will never throw in the towel,
‘Cause I can’t let this feeling last,
And I will overcome my own mind,
‘Cause I’m on the verge of
Taking up trying
in the place of lying,
I’m giving up giving up,
I’ve decided time’s too fast
to keep going on like that,
Kid, it’s about time you turn and fight,
It’s been too long, you’ve lost sight
of what it is life is all about – it’s not all pain
and it’s not all suffering, stand tall
Kid, it’s time you turn and fight.
I gotta get these lines down quick
‘Cause they fade in an instant, a click,
I’ve been trying to protect myself from the rain
with a tissue paper umbrella but I just end up yellin’
As the lightning strikes me over and again,
And in my head, I’m so sick,
But I’m giving up lying
and taking up trying,
I’m giving up giving up,
(There’s no time for that)
‘Cause life passes fast while I remain afraid
Questioning my wellbeing, am I insane,
I’ve been trying to put out a thousand fires
with all this gasoline, I burn my wrists clean
As I turn into one of those liars
I hate, I remain,
To move on I gotta look back
while I stare forward,
I cannot afford to get stuck,
I stop myself mid-run,
Remind myself what needs to be done,
And I finally put the drink down
But I couldn’t throw the permanent frown,
Like a Barbie I have a smile so fake,
I need a manual on how not to make
a mess of everything over again,
My feet itched so hard I ran.
‘Kid, it’s about time to face your past,
Your feet gotta stop kicking up all this dust.’
‘Cause the clock tick tock’s my life away,
I’ve got a thousand and one reasons to stay,
But I’ve got a thousand and one to leave too,
The balance of this is just way too perfect,
So it’s a toss up and it goes from “I can’t make it through”,
to ‘I’ve no choice, I’m fighting this war - win or lose’
And like Linus I need a security blanket,
I don’t know how to make it through without it,
it’s not drinking and it’s not drugs,
Might sound lame but now it’s love,
And I’m giving up lying,
and taking up trying,
giving up giving up,
There’s no time left for that.
And I will overpower my past,
And I will never throw in the towel,
‘Cause I can’t let this feeling last,
And I will overcome my own mind,
‘Cause I’m on the verge of
Taking up trying
in the place of lying,
I’m giving up giving up,
I’ve decided time’s too fast
to keep going on like that,
Kid, it’s about time you turn and fight,
It’s been too long, you’ve lost sight
of what it is life is all about – it’s not all pain
and it’s not all suffering, stand tall
Kid, it’s time you turn and fight.
Lead
23/11/10
I saw a guide dog across the room
and I thought ‘you’re life is going
to be more meaningful than mine’
unless I step up, step up,
And take this by the throat and shake it,
I know I’ve potential if I’m trained
and I thought ‘I’ve got to make
something out of this before I die’
so I will step up, step up,
And take this by the throat and whisper
‘disappear’
You’ll lead a blind man to his destination,
I will lead the sick into the light
And not the one you see when you die,
The one that greets you when you say ‘yes’ to life.
‘Cause suicide is a waste of life,
Especially when you can never get it right,
There’s a reason you fail every time,
You are meant for so much more
And so am I so I promise to try harder,
One day I will lead the sick into the light,
It might just take me a little more time,
But we can live forever if we’re willing.
I saw a guide dog across the room
and I thought ‘you’re life is going
to be more meaningful than mine’
unless I step up, step up,
And take this by the throat and shake it,
I know I’ve potential if I’m trained
and I thought ‘I’ve got to make
something out of this before I die’
so I will step up, step up,
And take this by the throat and whisper
‘disappear’
You’ll lead a blind man to his destination,
I will lead the sick into the light
And not the one you see when you die,
The one that greets you when you say ‘yes’ to life.
‘Cause suicide is a waste of life,
Especially when you can never get it right,
There’s a reason you fail every time,
You are meant for so much more
And so am I so I promise to try harder,
One day I will lead the sick into the light,
It might just take me a little more time,
But we can live forever if we’re willing.
-
22/11/10
I will not let this rule me, no,
I will not let this ruin me, no,
I cannot afford to let this run the wheels
up inside my head, it’s not like I’m not
crazy enough without him in my soul,
I’ve done more than enough damage there,
I cannot let this be the underlie,
I promise I will not fold,
I cannot let this fill the last lines
of my report.
I will fight through this, yes,
I will rip through this, yes,
I will hold up my head as often as I
can to keep those wheels so very even,
I might be crazy but at least I’m alive,
I’ve done so much damage inside,
But at least I’m willing to repair it all,
I cannot let this be the underlie,
I promise I will not fold,
I cannot let this fill the last lines
of my report.
I promise I will be alive for as long
as God allows and my life
will only be ended at His hand and no-one elses,
I promise I will be alive long enough
that my report can say
cause of death; old age.
I promise I will not fold though I may remain insane,
I won’t be doomed, you see I’ve this strength
I’ve been hiding inside and I didn’t even know,
It just took all of this pain to ignite,
And now I’m standing, fists up,
I’ve been training and I’m ready to fight.
I will not let this rule me, no,
I will not let this ruin me, no,
I cannot afford to let this run the wheels
up inside my head, it’s not like I’m not
crazy enough without him in my soul,
I’ve done more than enough damage there,
I cannot let this be the underlie,
I promise I will not fold,
I cannot let this fill the last lines
of my report.
I will fight through this, yes,
I will rip through this, yes,
I will hold up my head as often as I
can to keep those wheels so very even,
I might be crazy but at least I’m alive,
I’ve done so much damage inside,
But at least I’m willing to repair it all,
I cannot let this be the underlie,
I promise I will not fold,
I cannot let this fill the last lines
of my report.
I promise I will be alive for as long
as God allows and my life
will only be ended at His hand and no-one elses,
I promise I will be alive long enough
that my report can say
cause of death; old age.
I promise I will not fold though I may remain insane,
I won’t be doomed, you see I’ve this strength
I’ve been hiding inside and I didn’t even know,
It just took all of this pain to ignite,
And now I’m standing, fists up,
I’ve been training and I’m ready to fight.
Fair Weather Foes
21+25/11/10
It’s been raining for a week,
I sat at home on my own,
On the couch just making fiction friends
with books and tv,
‘Cause my phone may as well been on silent
for all the calls I get.
Well the clouds are clearing up,
And the sun is becoming clear,
And what a surprise, I turned around
and saw you standing there,
Yeah, the weathers fair.
Yeah, I spent this week depressed,
A mess buried in bed,
Just losing friends like dropping flies
where my mouth is
the bug spray and my heart is the can,
I’m alone.
Well, the clouds are clearing up,
And the sun is becoming clear,
And what a surprise, I turned around
and saw you standing there,
Yeah, the weathers fair.
“I’m going to put the bottle down”,
All I got was a few squints and a frown,
“It’s driving me crazy, yeah insane”,
Not a single foe remained
‘Cause all my friends ran away,
But now the clouds are clearing up,
And the sun is becoming clear,
And what a surprise, I turned around
and saw my old friends there,
Yeah, the weathers fair.
But while I’ve been growing,
You’ve been delaying,
But while I’ve been trying,
You’ve stuck to habits,
And while I’ve been moving forward,
You’ve been staying still.
Yeah, the weathers fair
but there’s no place for you here.
It’s been raining for a week,
I sat at home on my own,
On the couch just making fiction friends
with books and tv,
‘Cause my phone may as well been on silent
for all the calls I get.
Well the clouds are clearing up,
And the sun is becoming clear,
And what a surprise, I turned around
and saw you standing there,
Yeah, the weathers fair.
Yeah, I spent this week depressed,
A mess buried in bed,
Just losing friends like dropping flies
where my mouth is
the bug spray and my heart is the can,
I’m alone.
Well, the clouds are clearing up,
And the sun is becoming clear,
And what a surprise, I turned around
and saw you standing there,
Yeah, the weathers fair.
“I’m going to put the bottle down”,
All I got was a few squints and a frown,
“It’s driving me crazy, yeah insane”,
Not a single foe remained
‘Cause all my friends ran away,
But now the clouds are clearing up,
And the sun is becoming clear,
And what a surprise, I turned around
and saw my old friends there,
Yeah, the weathers fair.
But while I’ve been growing,
You’ve been delaying,
But while I’ve been trying,
You’ve stuck to habits,
And while I’ve been moving forward,
You’ve been staying still.
Yeah, the weathers fair
but there’s no place for you here.
2012
18/11/10
The sun is shining,
The birds are singing,
The world is at – no , wait,
Go.
The sun hid behind a cloud
And the birds are dropping like flies,
Apocalypse – the world is coming to an end,
Oh how I hope I don’t die alone,
But I question if I have any friends…left.
So I have to stop pushing them away,
And drag ‘em close without drowning,
It’s so easy once one’s under
for the waves to eat us both.
I’ve got nothing left lyrically
And I can only hope your imagination
is enough to picture two thousand and twelve,
And oh where will you be?
And oh do I have the time to find…myself.
So I have to stop pushing this down,
And drag it up without drowning,
It’s so easy once I’m under
to just let the waves take over.
It’s just water, I scream, hardly solid,
I won’t drown in it, I won’t walk on it,
But I will tread it.
The clouds are grey, expectations
so met it’s kind of (do I dare to say) boring,
For a world so complicated you’d think they’d
be a little more creative
than grey clouds and smoke, burning tree’s
and ugly buildings falling to pieces,
Oh there we go, a hole in the sky and the ground opens up
and everyone is starting to run,
The so young and the so old are taken first
But this thing gains speed, I swear my feet are so sore
not because I’m running but I nailed them to the floor.
The sun is shining,
The birds are singing,
The world is at – no , wait,
Go.
The sun hid behind a cloud
And the birds are dropping like flies,
Apocalypse – the world is coming to an end,
Oh how I hope I don’t die alone,
But I question if I have any friends…left.
So I have to stop pushing them away,
And drag ‘em close without drowning,
It’s so easy once one’s under
for the waves to eat us both.
I’ve got nothing left lyrically
And I can only hope your imagination
is enough to picture two thousand and twelve,
And oh where will you be?
And oh do I have the time to find…myself.
So I have to stop pushing this down,
And drag it up without drowning,
It’s so easy once I’m under
to just let the waves take over.
It’s just water, I scream, hardly solid,
I won’t drown in it, I won’t walk on it,
But I will tread it.
The clouds are grey, expectations
so met it’s kind of (do I dare to say) boring,
For a world so complicated you’d think they’d
be a little more creative
than grey clouds and smoke, burning tree’s
and ugly buildings falling to pieces,
Oh there we go, a hole in the sky and the ground opens up
and everyone is starting to run,
The so young and the so old are taken first
But this thing gains speed, I swear my feet are so sore
not because I’m running but I nailed them to the floor.
Bionic
8/11/10
I’m twenty one and I’ve more than a false hip,
I take more pills than all your grandparents put together,
And I have to oil my limbs every day to keep them in shape,
It wasn’t an alien abduction or a concentration camp
but there were a thousand inhumane experiments
and I was mistaken thinking I’m human, I’m not
even a guinea pig, just a fucking vessel for a million
chemicals, replace all my insides.
They gave me six thousand sedatives
to be sure I wouldn’t wake up,
Would you believe I still woke up?
Well, they made a million incisions
and they pulled off all my limbs,
Took a look inside, ‘no, no this won’t do’,
They removed every organ and drained
out every litre of blood I held,
I don’t know how they kept the body beating,
They remade more than my entire nervous system,
I don’t have veins, I’ve got wires running through,
I’ve got bionic limbs, did you mistake me for a hero?
I’m nowhere even close, and you put a microphone
deep inside my throat, stuck on one volume – low,
So when I woke up, as if six thousand would be enough,
no-one heard me scream, what a beautiful plan,
And what ugly insides, at least they reflect my outsides,
I look in mirrors and I feel my metal fingers curl,
Cause my eyes are empty and expressionless,
And I can’t even whisper affirmations,
Every move I make is so, so noisy
with this metal grinding upon metal,
And messages flow through these wires,
I can’t pick up a phone without causing interference,
And so I try to stay perfectly still
I don’t bother trying to sleep,
It’s so uncomfortable, like lying on stone,
Besides, like a television or a radio,
My brain doesn’t need sleep anyway,
I’m just a mechanical being,
So how come I still feel suicidal?
I’m twenty one and I’ve more than a false hip,
I take more pills than all your grandparents put together,
And I have to oil my limbs every day to keep them in shape,
It wasn’t an alien abduction or a concentration camp
but there were a thousand inhumane experiments
and I was mistaken thinking I’m human, I’m not
even a guinea pig, just a fucking vessel for a million
chemicals, replace all my insides.
They gave me six thousand sedatives
to be sure I wouldn’t wake up,
Would you believe I still woke up?
Well, they made a million incisions
and they pulled off all my limbs,
Took a look inside, ‘no, no this won’t do’,
They removed every organ and drained
out every litre of blood I held,
I don’t know how they kept the body beating,
They remade more than my entire nervous system,
I don’t have veins, I’ve got wires running through,
I’ve got bionic limbs, did you mistake me for a hero?
I’m nowhere even close, and you put a microphone
deep inside my throat, stuck on one volume – low,
So when I woke up, as if six thousand would be enough,
no-one heard me scream, what a beautiful plan,
And what ugly insides, at least they reflect my outsides,
I look in mirrors and I feel my metal fingers curl,
Cause my eyes are empty and expressionless,
And I can’t even whisper affirmations,
Every move I make is so, so noisy
with this metal grinding upon metal,
And messages flow through these wires,
I can’t pick up a phone without causing interference,
And so I try to stay perfectly still
I don’t bother trying to sleep,
It’s so uncomfortable, like lying on stone,
Besides, like a television or a radio,
My brain doesn’t need sleep anyway,
I’m just a mechanical being,
So how come I still feel suicidal?
-
7/11/10
Wrap my eyes with material,
Spin me ‘round six times real quick,
Then tell me to find my destination,
Every tree is a lie and I’m pretty sure
I’ll bleed out in this forest.
Tell a blind man to paint the sunset,
And the deaf to write a symphony,
I’m so far broken, the sick can’t heal the sick,
And the kind of funny thing is
I’ve only taken about ten steps
And my destination is so out of sight.
-
Wrap my eyes with material,
Spin me ‘round six times real quick,
Then tell me to find my destination,
Every tree is a lie and I’m pretty sure
I’ll bleed out in this forest.
Tell a blind man to paint the sunset,
And the deaf to write a symphony,
I’m so far broken, the sick can’t heal the sick,
And the kind of funny thing is
I’ve only taken about ten steps
And my destination is so out of sight.
-
A Different Solution.
A DIFFERENT SOLUTION
I’m over forty five minute sessions
on a couch while you write a new prescription,
And I take up but hide another addiction,
This doesn’t work for me ‘cause I can’t trust
white lab coats and judging frowns,
I must have spent forty thousand
whining about how hard my pointless life is,
And these weekly session confirm this,
This isn’t working for me ‘cause I can’t trust
an inanimate prescription pad.
Then I left the shiny new buildings
with their comfortable waiting seats,
But you’d wait for a solution forever,
Then I left the shiny new buildings
and stepped into the real world
where people poured and shared
their souls with one another
like it was gold, and it was.
There was no judging frown
and hands were only held out to hold
not to take and freedom was only a room
away if you so desired.
And all the differences fade away
and all the similarities provide the welcome,
And all the experience provide the strength,
And all the people provide the reason
to keep on coming back.
And this is a medicine that you can’t bottle
or work into a pill, you can’t write a prescription for this.
And this could just about work
‘cause in these rooms I found someone I can trust.
I’m over forty five minute sessions
on a couch while you write a new prescription,
And I take up but hide another addiction,
This doesn’t work for me ‘cause I can’t trust
white lab coats and judging frowns,
I must have spent forty thousand
whining about how hard my pointless life is,
And these weekly session confirm this,
This isn’t working for me ‘cause I can’t trust
an inanimate prescription pad.
Then I left the shiny new buildings
with their comfortable waiting seats,
But you’d wait for a solution forever,
Then I left the shiny new buildings
and stepped into the real world
where people poured and shared
their souls with one another
like it was gold, and it was.
There was no judging frown
and hands were only held out to hold
not to take and freedom was only a room
away if you so desired.
And all the differences fade away
and all the similarities provide the welcome,
And all the experience provide the strength,
And all the people provide the reason
to keep on coming back.
And this is a medicine that you can’t bottle
or work into a pill, you can’t write a prescription for this.
And this could just about work
‘cause in these rooms I found someone I can trust.
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