6-11-09
I’ve been working on these gallows
for quite a while, dug deep and perfected
the noose, tested my weight, made sure
feet couldn’t find ground when up there,
And now there’s only one thing missing,
And that’s my neck in the noose.
And why on earth is it missing? It’s the
key part – the perfect image will be created
when I stand upon the box, put my neck
through the noose, and pull that rope,
And my feet wave goodbye, suspended in the
air, wave goodbye, and my hands pinned at my sides,
And my eyes bulging as I run out of oxygen,
And I close them just to keep them in their sockets,
Plus there’s nothing worthwhile looking at anyway,
I grit my teeth as my throat screams for air,
My feet have said their final farewell, now quiet
and reserved and accepting of their fate,
And my oxygen is all ran out and my head starts to hurt
I couldn’t open my eyes even if I tried,
And my arms have the occasional jerk but they are
out of my control and then just like that…
I’m gone.

And hours later and nobody’s found me,
My legs are going blue and they’re getting slippery,
‘Cause they’re kind of turning to liquid – sorry
for the disgusting image, but they look a little
like off bananas only with oozing liquid.
I thought the noose around my neck would kill me,
But it only killed my body and now my soul is trapped
in it, and I’m watching my legs turn to liquid,
And the lack of circulation has made this body limp,
And my tongue is trapped between my teeth,
I couldn’t scream if I tried – this body is out of my
control but I can still feel the pain – I just can’t
communicate, maybe this is my punishment
for committing yet another sin, my throat
is constricted, my feet have long gone
and the disease is spreading all the way up to my waist,
And by the time they find me, my legs are a gooey puddle
and my arms are threatening to join them, my fingers – the only
part of my body I ever liked are each dripping away,
And they cut me down with disgust on their faces,
They look around for a note “there’s got to be one,
You don’t do this and just leave everyone to deal without
a word at all”, well I did, well I didn’t leave a note,
There was nothing left to say, if they didn’t understand
me in life then they wouldn’t understand me in my own
self-inflicted death so I didn’t leave a word other
than every word that I wrote about how I was feeling
But you probably shouldn’t read them either – they’ll
only sadden and confuse you even more than this,
Yes, I knew this would sadden everyone who cared
but my life was saddening them too, not to mention me,
So at least this way, one of us is happy, or so I thought
before I realized I’d be spending eternity in this body.

And so undignified, I feel so undignified,
I thought I’d been through this indignity for the last time,
But here I am powerless again and being undressed,
And there’s not a thing I can do in this body,
I scream to myself, it’s just like living in the past,
And how I hate this and hate the way the workers
do their work and they chat and laugh as they cut apart
my body, looking for little secrets etched in bones
and cut in organs and thrown down my throat,
But it’s all a little hard to decipher in there, the lack
of oxygen proved as a handy tool for hiding secrets,
I’ll keep that in mind if I ever get a shot at another life.
They cut right from my collarbone to my belly button,
Pull apart my ribs with a deafening creek,
Examine me, examine me, they talk about how
my family wants me cremated, and I don’t know if I mind,
Being buried alive sounds horrible but being burnt alive
doesn’t sound a whole lot better.

I am stuck in an oven now,
I am so not ready for this now,
I don’t have any choice now,
The spark ignites and I I try to hold my breath
before I remember that I have none,
And I try to grit my teeth and clench my fists
Before I remember they’re not mine anymore,
And now the flames lick at what’s left of me,
They made it up what was left of my legs real quick,
And my hair caught fire first burning away at my scalp,
Like a really bad sunburn that progresses so so so quickly,
And I just lie here to burn, burn into ashes.

And as ashes, my arms and legs all separated,
my soul isn’t too sure which to settle in,
But of course I know –it’s my heart that I
find and settle in, and listen to them discuss
where they’d like to scatter me.
And as they throw me into the beautiful ocean,
I feel the pain of my legs and arms being separated
throw into the sky and ripped apart,
My entire body is ripped apart and slowly drowned,
And my heart floats a minute but quickly sinks down,
And it drowns in the ocean, takes cover in the sand,
And it may be dead but my soul is still using it as a
vessel, a vessel trapped at the bottom of the ocean,
I keep forgetting that I can’t breathe, I keep forgetting
my fingers are at least a few feet away, the waves carry
all my organs and limbs miles and miles away,
And I’m left to suffocate but never ever truly leave
this place.