16-11-09
Oh, “how time flies” and I search
for the window in desperation,
Where did it all go, I wonder as I
rush around the room, banging all the walls
trying to find the window I know
got covered up for my own good.
The window, the weapon,
The paper, my plan in the lines
of a little diagram of a clock
with little angel wings jumping out
the open window, with me on the ledge
and without my wings, I…
Oh, “how time heals wounds” in
my case it doesn’t at all, it used
to at least cover up the physical
scars but now they’ve been etched too deep
trying to find that biological clock to
tell me when all of this ends.
The window, the weapon,
The paper, my plan in the lines
of a little diagram of a clock
with little angel wings jumping out
the open window, with me on the ledge
and without my wings, I…
I, telling myself not to look down,
Place my toes just over the edge,
And hold the frame to keep myself still,
But I’m still swaying in the wind and
anticipation. I cast my face towards
the stars. I cast one last look around
the room I destroyed just trying to find…
The window, the weapon,
The paper, my plan in the lines
of a little diagram of a clock
with little angel wings jumping out
the open window, with me on the ledge
and without my wings, I…
I jump, pretending I think
I can fly.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Just friends
15-11-09
Do you remember the night I put my hands
on your hips and you brushed your finger over
my lips and then we let them meet but you
pushed me away, and whispered ‘just friends’,
And that’s the biggest punch line I ever heard.
‘Just friends’ turned into ‘with benefits’
and we spent the night between your sheets.
You kept whispering like you were convincing
yourself just as much as me ‘just friends’
And I think I pretended not to hear.
From best friends to the bedspread,
Never ever works and I should’ve known
when you whispered ‘just friends’ what I was
getting myself into, from best friends to
with benefits never ever works, and you
and me as just friends can never work again.
And in the morning, in your arms
felt like the perfect place to be but you
pushed me away ‘I have to get home’
I knew your parents were away but I let you go,
I think I hoped to convince you later.
Bu later came and you touched my hair
but you still said ‘just friends, remember?’
How could I forget that night and you murmured
‘I thought you’d be okay, you’re always saying you
want to be alone’, I thought I did.
From best friends to the bedspread,
Never ever works and I should’ve known
when you whispered ‘just friends’ what I was
getting myself into, from best friends to
with benefits never ever works, and you
and me as just friends can never work again.
So now I’ve lost my girlfriend, my best friend,
Not to mention the best sex I ever had,
So now I’ve lost my girlfriend, my best friend,
Lost her that night in the sheets when we agreed
to be ‘just friends’ but from best friends to having
to whisper ‘just friends’ is a transition that kills,
And never fails to fail.
Do you remember the night I put my hands
on your hips and you brushed your finger over
my lips and then we let them meet but you
pushed me away, and whispered ‘just friends’,
And that’s the biggest punch line I ever heard.
‘Just friends’ turned into ‘with benefits’
and we spent the night between your sheets.
You kept whispering like you were convincing
yourself just as much as me ‘just friends’
And I think I pretended not to hear.
From best friends to the bedspread,
Never ever works and I should’ve known
when you whispered ‘just friends’ what I was
getting myself into, from best friends to
with benefits never ever works, and you
and me as just friends can never work again.
And in the morning, in your arms
felt like the perfect place to be but you
pushed me away ‘I have to get home’
I knew your parents were away but I let you go,
I think I hoped to convince you later.
Bu later came and you touched my hair
but you still said ‘just friends, remember?’
How could I forget that night and you murmured
‘I thought you’d be okay, you’re always saying you
want to be alone’, I thought I did.
From best friends to the bedspread,
Never ever works and I should’ve known
when you whispered ‘just friends’ what I was
getting myself into, from best friends to
with benefits never ever works, and you
and me as just friends can never work again.
So now I’ve lost my girlfriend, my best friend,
Not to mention the best sex I ever had,
So now I’ve lost my girlfriend, my best friend,
Lost her that night in the sheets when we agreed
to be ‘just friends’ but from best friends to having
to whisper ‘just friends’ is a transition that kills,
And never fails to fail.
15-11-09
I sunk through every lie
To the core where you held me
to every word and I held you to
yours, not knowing you were spinning
a web around me the whole time.
Like a snap of the fingers,
The light went on and I could see
every little mark in this intricate
pattern you had created around me
and for a minute it was beautiful.
Every night we lied to each other
and we each thought the other
was buying every line but you were
reading my journals and I was talking
to your friends and we were getting home
just to exchange fake smiles and touches.
You’re trying to yell at me
For doing everything that you did to
me too and I’m nodding but saying
“then you’re admitting you were in the wrong too”
but you’re shaking your head.
“It’s different” you say,
But I can’t really see how – lights out,
“I touched them out of loneliness,
And you touched her with love,
I touched them ‘cause you weren’t
here even when you were next to me”,
And I cut you off, “It doesn’t matter,
she doesn’t want me anyway”
I see the tears emerge at the corners
of your blue eyes and I’m lying to myself
as well, but you already know that.
Every night we lied to each other
and we each thought the other
was buying every line but you could
smell my clothes, my breath and I heard
what you were becoming at every party,
It was impossible to escape.
And you say “It’s over”,
And I’ve begged away my breath
with strums and songs – words
are not enough this time and just
as you reach the door, you turn…
And whisper, “my eyes aren’t blue,
and the stupid thing is we both end up alone,
‘cause she doesn’t love you like you love her,
she doesn’t love you like I love you and you don’t
love me like you love her. We all end up alone.”
I sunk through every lie
To the core where you held me
to every word and I held you to
yours, not knowing you were spinning
a web around me the whole time.
Like a snap of the fingers,
The light went on and I could see
every little mark in this intricate
pattern you had created around me
and for a minute it was beautiful.
Every night we lied to each other
and we each thought the other
was buying every line but you were
reading my journals and I was talking
to your friends and we were getting home
just to exchange fake smiles and touches.
You’re trying to yell at me
For doing everything that you did to
me too and I’m nodding but saying
“then you’re admitting you were in the wrong too”
but you’re shaking your head.
“It’s different” you say,
But I can’t really see how – lights out,
“I touched them out of loneliness,
And you touched her with love,
I touched them ‘cause you weren’t
here even when you were next to me”,
And I cut you off, “It doesn’t matter,
she doesn’t want me anyway”
I see the tears emerge at the corners
of your blue eyes and I’m lying to myself
as well, but you already know that.
Every night we lied to each other
and we each thought the other
was buying every line but you could
smell my clothes, my breath and I heard
what you were becoming at every party,
It was impossible to escape.
And you say “It’s over”,
And I’ve begged away my breath
with strums and songs – words
are not enough this time and just
as you reach the door, you turn…
And whisper, “my eyes aren’t blue,
and the stupid thing is we both end up alone,
‘cause she doesn’t love you like you love her,
she doesn’t love you like I love you and you don’t
love me like you love her. We all end up alone.”
14-11-09
When I turned up at your front door,
You should have seen the look on your face,
And the colour on your neck almost matched the one
on my wrist and his head was glued to your shoulder,
And he looked at me, first in confusion and then he let
that little grin spread,, ‘cause he knew…
That you let me go, yeah you cut the rope,
The one tied to my wrists and your hips,
Disconnected the button I pushed to control that wire
that I clipped tight around your lips.
And he wore that grin on his face,
Like you wore those marks on your neck,
Like I wore the cuts on my wrists and I saw the way
his hands moved your hips close to his and it was just
like the way I used to lick my, kiss your lips, ‘til the night
you said ‘I’ll never regret this’ but in the morning…
When I pushed my way in with no plan,
You should have seen the look on your face,
The one where you start to panic and he unwrapped himself
from you and put up those fists and I looked at him while
you looked at me and he looked at you for some clue
on what you wanted him to do.
You let me go, all those promises I shook on,
you said I was the kid of your dreams , I was
til you decided to change and clip every word real tight
around my heart.
And now he wears that grin on his face,
Like you wear those marks on your neck,
Like I wear the cuts on my wrists and I saw the way
his hands moved your hips close to his and it was just
like the way I used to lick my, kiss your lips, ‘til the night
you said ‘I’ll never regret this’ but in the morning…
You whispered, after one night,
“I thought it was true, but now I regret every move,
I thought I was true, it’s not me, it’s you,
I thought we’d last but you’re so past,
I thought we were lust but you wanted love,
I thought we were true but now I regret every move,
It’s not me, it’s you, it’s not me, it’s you.”
And you screamed it again in my face,
“It’s over, you wanted more than I wanted,
And now I’ve got this beautiful boy and he’s so good in bed,
And we’re lust, not love, we’re lust, not…”
He looks at her and she looks back and realizes her mistake,
He takes one step back towards the door, and he realizes
his mistake and she realizes she’s done it again, and he
says, “This is what you do. Make us fall in love with you,
and throw us passionately to the sheets and whisper
secrets and no regrets, then you say it’s lust, not love,
and they always scream back ‘it’s love, not lust’, now I know
what you are.”
When I turned up at your front door,
You should have seen the look on your face,
And the colour on your neck almost matched the one
on my wrist and his head was glued to your shoulder,
And he looked at me, first in confusion and then he let
that little grin spread,, ‘cause he knew…
That you let me go, yeah you cut the rope,
The one tied to my wrists and your hips,
Disconnected the button I pushed to control that wire
that I clipped tight around your lips.
And he wore that grin on his face,
Like you wore those marks on your neck,
Like I wore the cuts on my wrists and I saw the way
his hands moved your hips close to his and it was just
like the way I used to lick my, kiss your lips, ‘til the night
you said ‘I’ll never regret this’ but in the morning…
When I pushed my way in with no plan,
You should have seen the look on your face,
The one where you start to panic and he unwrapped himself
from you and put up those fists and I looked at him while
you looked at me and he looked at you for some clue
on what you wanted him to do.
You let me go, all those promises I shook on,
you said I was the kid of your dreams , I was
til you decided to change and clip every word real tight
around my heart.
And now he wears that grin on his face,
Like you wear those marks on your neck,
Like I wear the cuts on my wrists and I saw the way
his hands moved your hips close to his and it was just
like the way I used to lick my, kiss your lips, ‘til the night
you said ‘I’ll never regret this’ but in the morning…
You whispered, after one night,
“I thought it was true, but now I regret every move,
I thought I was true, it’s not me, it’s you,
I thought we’d last but you’re so past,
I thought we were lust but you wanted love,
I thought we were true but now I regret every move,
It’s not me, it’s you, it’s not me, it’s you.”
And you screamed it again in my face,
“It’s over, you wanted more than I wanted,
And now I’ve got this beautiful boy and he’s so good in bed,
And we’re lust, not love, we’re lust, not…”
He looks at her and she looks back and realizes her mistake,
He takes one step back towards the door, and he realizes
his mistake and she realizes she’s done it again, and he
says, “This is what you do. Make us fall in love with you,
and throw us passionately to the sheets and whisper
secrets and no regrets, then you say it’s lust, not love,
and they always scream back ‘it’s love, not lust’, now I know
what you are.”
10-11-09
Is there anything left to say,
When I feel this bad every single day,
And all I think about is my last breath
And all I dream about is sinking into
these bed sheets that I seem to never leave.
Any comfort has long waved goodbye
With a razorblade in hand and scratching
cutting with every swing of the hand,
Goodbye, goodbye.
When there’s nothing left to annunciate,
And all I’m doing is to procrastinate,
My own stupid and sure death
And all I think of is sinking into
these bed sheets that I seem to never leave.
Any comfort has long waved farewell
With a toast “I’d wish you well but we both
know that would just split your sides,
Catch you, catch you”.
When every comfort leaves,
Where do you turn to?
When every rational disappears on you,
Where do you turn to?
When each and every reason to live
seems to be shrinking,
What do you do?
Is there anything left to say,
When I feel this bad every single day,
And all I think about is my last breath
And all I dream about is sinking into
these bed sheets that I seem to never leave.
Any comfort has long waved goodbye
With a razorblade in hand and scratching
cutting with every swing of the hand,
Goodbye, goodbye.
When there’s nothing left to annunciate,
And all I’m doing is to procrastinate,
My own stupid and sure death
And all I think of is sinking into
these bed sheets that I seem to never leave.
Any comfort has long waved farewell
With a toast “I’d wish you well but we both
know that would just split your sides,
Catch you, catch you”.
When every comfort leaves,
Where do you turn to?
When every rational disappears on you,
Where do you turn to?
When each and every reason to live
seems to be shrinking,
What do you do?
10-11-09
I watch the numbers move on the clock,
Watch the second hand move slowly,
Tick, tick tock. And I try to communicate
with my insides – like “stop feeling so
sorry for yourself”, like “snap out of it,
won’t you?” but it’s not really working at all.
I procrastinate by just staring at the clock,
Seems time’s moving way too slowly,
Tick…tick…tock. And I can’t communicate
with anything external, like I’d like to,
like, “I feel so empty”, like “I can’t even
move” I lie still in my bed, just thinking to myself.
My muscles feel like deadweights and I can’t
really even move at all, each breath feels like
an enormous effort, and my eyes seem to glaze over,
‘Cause I’m always getting ‘what are you looking at?’
and I can never quite answer, for sure.
I spend my life hating everything about the world,
Mostly I direct it all at myself,
I hate what I am, I hate who I am, I hate what I do,
I hate everything about my stupid, stupid self.
I hate everything about the world, mostly
the fact that I’m still in it, mostly the fact
that I’m a member of this society, I’m not
worth a thing, not worth a thing to anyone.
I watch the numbers move on the clock,
Watch the second hand move slowly,
Tick, tick tock. And I try to communicate
with my insides – like “stop feeling so
sorry for yourself”, like “snap out of it,
won’t you?” but it’s not really working at all.
I procrastinate by just staring at the clock,
Seems time’s moving way too slowly,
Tick…tick…tock. And I can’t communicate
with anything external, like I’d like to,
like, “I feel so empty”, like “I can’t even
move” I lie still in my bed, just thinking to myself.
My muscles feel like deadweights and I can’t
really even move at all, each breath feels like
an enormous effort, and my eyes seem to glaze over,
‘Cause I’m always getting ‘what are you looking at?’
and I can never quite answer, for sure.
I spend my life hating everything about the world,
Mostly I direct it all at myself,
I hate what I am, I hate who I am, I hate what I do,
I hate everything about my stupid, stupid self.
I hate everything about the world, mostly
the fact that I’m still in it, mostly the fact
that I’m a member of this society, I’m not
worth a thing, not worth a thing to anyone.
6-11-09
I’ve been working on these gallows
for quite a while, dug deep and perfected
the noose, tested my weight, made sure
feet couldn’t find ground when up there,
And now there’s only one thing missing,
And that’s my neck in the noose.
And why on earth is it missing? It’s the
key part – the perfect image will be created
when I stand upon the box, put my neck
through the noose, and pull that rope,
And my feet wave goodbye, suspended in the
air, wave goodbye, and my hands pinned at my sides,
And my eyes bulging as I run out of oxygen,
And I close them just to keep them in their sockets,
Plus there’s nothing worthwhile looking at anyway,
I grit my teeth as my throat screams for air,
My feet have said their final farewell, now quiet
and reserved and accepting of their fate,
And my oxygen is all ran out and my head starts to hurt
I couldn’t open my eyes even if I tried,
And my arms have the occasional jerk but they are
out of my control and then just like that…
I’m gone.
And hours later and nobody’s found me,
My legs are going blue and they’re getting slippery,
‘Cause they’re kind of turning to liquid – sorry
for the disgusting image, but they look a little
like off bananas only with oozing liquid.
I thought the noose around my neck would kill me,
But it only killed my body and now my soul is trapped
in it, and I’m watching my legs turn to liquid,
And the lack of circulation has made this body limp,
And my tongue is trapped between my teeth,
I couldn’t scream if I tried – this body is out of my
control but I can still feel the pain – I just can’t
communicate, maybe this is my punishment
for committing yet another sin, my throat
is constricted, my feet have long gone
and the disease is spreading all the way up to my waist,
And by the time they find me, my legs are a gooey puddle
and my arms are threatening to join them, my fingers – the only
part of my body I ever liked are each dripping away,
And they cut me down with disgust on their faces,
They look around for a note “there’s got to be one,
You don’t do this and just leave everyone to deal without
a word at all”, well I did, well I didn’t leave a note,
There was nothing left to say, if they didn’t understand
me in life then they wouldn’t understand me in my own
self-inflicted death so I didn’t leave a word other
than every word that I wrote about how I was feeling
But you probably shouldn’t read them either – they’ll
only sadden and confuse you even more than this,
Yes, I knew this would sadden everyone who cared
but my life was saddening them too, not to mention me,
So at least this way, one of us is happy, or so I thought
before I realized I’d be spending eternity in this body.
And so undignified, I feel so undignified,
I thought I’d been through this indignity for the last time,
But here I am powerless again and being undressed,
And there’s not a thing I can do in this body,
I scream to myself, it’s just like living in the past,
And how I hate this and hate the way the workers
do their work and they chat and laugh as they cut apart
my body, looking for little secrets etched in bones
and cut in organs and thrown down my throat,
But it’s all a little hard to decipher in there, the lack
of oxygen proved as a handy tool for hiding secrets,
I’ll keep that in mind if I ever get a shot at another life.
They cut right from my collarbone to my belly button,
Pull apart my ribs with a deafening creek,
Examine me, examine me, they talk about how
my family wants me cremated, and I don’t know if I mind,
Being buried alive sounds horrible but being burnt alive
doesn’t sound a whole lot better.
I am stuck in an oven now,
I am so not ready for this now,
I don’t have any choice now,
The spark ignites and I I try to hold my breath
before I remember that I have none,
And I try to grit my teeth and clench my fists
Before I remember they’re not mine anymore,
And now the flames lick at what’s left of me,
They made it up what was left of my legs real quick,
And my hair caught fire first burning away at my scalp,
Like a really bad sunburn that progresses so so so quickly,
And I just lie here to burn, burn into ashes.
And as ashes, my arms and legs all separated,
my soul isn’t too sure which to settle in,
But of course I know –it’s my heart that I
find and settle in, and listen to them discuss
where they’d like to scatter me.
And as they throw me into the beautiful ocean,
I feel the pain of my legs and arms being separated
throw into the sky and ripped apart,
My entire body is ripped apart and slowly drowned,
And my heart floats a minute but quickly sinks down,
And it drowns in the ocean, takes cover in the sand,
And it may be dead but my soul is still using it as a
vessel, a vessel trapped at the bottom of the ocean,
I keep forgetting that I can’t breathe, I keep forgetting
my fingers are at least a few feet away, the waves carry
all my organs and limbs miles and miles away,
And I’m left to suffocate but never ever truly leave
this place.
I’ve been working on these gallows
for quite a while, dug deep and perfected
the noose, tested my weight, made sure
feet couldn’t find ground when up there,
And now there’s only one thing missing,
And that’s my neck in the noose.
And why on earth is it missing? It’s the
key part – the perfect image will be created
when I stand upon the box, put my neck
through the noose, and pull that rope,
And my feet wave goodbye, suspended in the
air, wave goodbye, and my hands pinned at my sides,
And my eyes bulging as I run out of oxygen,
And I close them just to keep them in their sockets,
Plus there’s nothing worthwhile looking at anyway,
I grit my teeth as my throat screams for air,
My feet have said their final farewell, now quiet
and reserved and accepting of their fate,
And my oxygen is all ran out and my head starts to hurt
I couldn’t open my eyes even if I tried,
And my arms have the occasional jerk but they are
out of my control and then just like that…
I’m gone.
And hours later and nobody’s found me,
My legs are going blue and they’re getting slippery,
‘Cause they’re kind of turning to liquid – sorry
for the disgusting image, but they look a little
like off bananas only with oozing liquid.
I thought the noose around my neck would kill me,
But it only killed my body and now my soul is trapped
in it, and I’m watching my legs turn to liquid,
And the lack of circulation has made this body limp,
And my tongue is trapped between my teeth,
I couldn’t scream if I tried – this body is out of my
control but I can still feel the pain – I just can’t
communicate, maybe this is my punishment
for committing yet another sin, my throat
is constricted, my feet have long gone
and the disease is spreading all the way up to my waist,
And by the time they find me, my legs are a gooey puddle
and my arms are threatening to join them, my fingers – the only
part of my body I ever liked are each dripping away,
And they cut me down with disgust on their faces,
They look around for a note “there’s got to be one,
You don’t do this and just leave everyone to deal without
a word at all”, well I did, well I didn’t leave a note,
There was nothing left to say, if they didn’t understand
me in life then they wouldn’t understand me in my own
self-inflicted death so I didn’t leave a word other
than every word that I wrote about how I was feeling
But you probably shouldn’t read them either – they’ll
only sadden and confuse you even more than this,
Yes, I knew this would sadden everyone who cared
but my life was saddening them too, not to mention me,
So at least this way, one of us is happy, or so I thought
before I realized I’d be spending eternity in this body.
And so undignified, I feel so undignified,
I thought I’d been through this indignity for the last time,
But here I am powerless again and being undressed,
And there’s not a thing I can do in this body,
I scream to myself, it’s just like living in the past,
And how I hate this and hate the way the workers
do their work and they chat and laugh as they cut apart
my body, looking for little secrets etched in bones
and cut in organs and thrown down my throat,
But it’s all a little hard to decipher in there, the lack
of oxygen proved as a handy tool for hiding secrets,
I’ll keep that in mind if I ever get a shot at another life.
They cut right from my collarbone to my belly button,
Pull apart my ribs with a deafening creek,
Examine me, examine me, they talk about how
my family wants me cremated, and I don’t know if I mind,
Being buried alive sounds horrible but being burnt alive
doesn’t sound a whole lot better.
I am stuck in an oven now,
I am so not ready for this now,
I don’t have any choice now,
The spark ignites and I I try to hold my breath
before I remember that I have none,
And I try to grit my teeth and clench my fists
Before I remember they’re not mine anymore,
And now the flames lick at what’s left of me,
They made it up what was left of my legs real quick,
And my hair caught fire first burning away at my scalp,
Like a really bad sunburn that progresses so so so quickly,
And I just lie here to burn, burn into ashes.
And as ashes, my arms and legs all separated,
my soul isn’t too sure which to settle in,
But of course I know –it’s my heart that I
find and settle in, and listen to them discuss
where they’d like to scatter me.
And as they throw me into the beautiful ocean,
I feel the pain of my legs and arms being separated
throw into the sky and ripped apart,
My entire body is ripped apart and slowly drowned,
And my heart floats a minute but quickly sinks down,
And it drowns in the ocean, takes cover in the sand,
And it may be dead but my soul is still using it as a
vessel, a vessel trapped at the bottom of the ocean,
I keep forgetting that I can’t breathe, I keep forgetting
my fingers are at least a few feet away, the waves carry
all my organs and limbs miles and miles away,
And I’m left to suffocate but never ever truly leave
this place.
5-11-09
I’m sitting here, thinking (again, I’m
always thinking) about the words
I want to write (but I can’t find them,
not today). I need to express this (need
to get this out of my body) but the words
are out of my reach (just exceeding
my grasp) and all I’m doing is thinking.
And I’m always just thinking (and there’s
nothing more dangerous). About nothing,
about everything, about all the words I scribble,
About if they mean anything to anyone (and what
it would mean if they meant nothing)
If anyone even gets what I try to say (they’d be
doing well – I don’t understand half of it myself)
I’ve created this language, this theme, this mood,
this atmosphere in all my writings, and I write in
a language I don’t understand so how can I expect
them to read a language they haven’t yet learned?
It’s just not possible, so I’ll just keep thinking (always
thinking) I’m thinking in a language I can’t speak,
And so it’s hard to transfer messages from my mind
to my heart, or my mind to ink, I can’t make sense
of my stupid self, so how can anyone else?
I can’t make sense of any of this, so how can
anyone expect anyone else to? I don’t expect
you to understand. I don’t expect anyone
to understand.
I’m sitting here, thinking (again, I’m
always thinking) about the words
I want to write (but I can’t find them,
not today). I need to express this (need
to get this out of my body) but the words
are out of my reach (just exceeding
my grasp) and all I’m doing is thinking.
And I’m always just thinking (and there’s
nothing more dangerous). About nothing,
about everything, about all the words I scribble,
About if they mean anything to anyone (and what
it would mean if they meant nothing)
If anyone even gets what I try to say (they’d be
doing well – I don’t understand half of it myself)
I’ve created this language, this theme, this mood,
this atmosphere in all my writings, and I write in
a language I don’t understand so how can I expect
them to read a language they haven’t yet learned?
It’s just not possible, so I’ll just keep thinking (always
thinking) I’m thinking in a language I can’t speak,
And so it’s hard to transfer messages from my mind
to my heart, or my mind to ink, I can’t make sense
of my stupid self, so how can anyone else?
I can’t make sense of any of this, so how can
anyone expect anyone else to? I don’t expect
you to understand. I don’t expect anyone
to understand.
Russian Roulette
5-11-09
We have been sitting here for days on end,
Just passing around this gun,
And we play fast, not like wimps,
We don’t pause to wash our hands,
We just hand it, pull it, hand it on,
And we can never quite decide,
who wins – those left around the table
or those strewn on the floor.
So we just keep playing, and we all
avoid the question –what about when there’s
only one person left? But you can see
the fear in each of our eyes – don’t want to be last,
Don’t want to be left behind,
And we pull the trigger with ferocity
And sigh, but not in relief, when it clicks,
And a sharp intake of breath flows around the table
when the air ignites with our buddy’s blood.
And we play fast, not like wimps,
We no longer bother pausing to wash our hands,
Like it would make a difference, they’re so red,
Probably still stained from years ago,
‘Cause we just sit at this table and we never
move, I’ve held a gun to my head so many times,
Always begging, always pleading silently,
Always hoping inside to hear…nothing,
That click is like a death sentence in that
it’s not and if it were I wouldn’t hear a thing,
Or think a thing, or see a thing, or breathe a thing,
Or cry a thing, or mean a thing, or feel a thing,
What a perfect way to go, what a perfect way to live,
What a perfect ending, what perfection,
I’m passing it faster and faster now,
I’m starting to get desperate,
“Oh my hand slipped” I took two shots,
Before I passed it on and blood found my face,
My hands, my clothes, my body, my arms,
And there’s three left now, just three,
And we play fast, we each are so desperate,
And click, click, click, each click burns my ears,
And I’m trying not to be on the verge of tears,
When will this end? Hell, when will this end?
I plead, when will this come to an end?
And click, click, I’m so tired, I’m so tired
of all this clicking, and click, click, and it’s
igniting but it’s not on me and the blood
is getting hard to see through now,
The room looks like a murder scene,
But it’s not – this isn’t murder,
This is just a bunch of desperate people
playing an old-fashioned game
to kill the time until they kill themselves,
And there’s two left now, and I’m so scared
of being the last one but I know my luck,
Yes, I know my luck and I pull, and I pull again,
And I pull again but she rips it out of my hand,
“it’s not your turn, it’s my turn now”
And her blood crashes down on me,
And I cry, I just cry and it wets the dried blood on my face,
And it flakes down my neck and lands on my shoulders,
And I knew I’d be the last one left, and I scream at myself
“Why did you start this? You know your rotten luck,
Why did you think this would different? You know
your rotten luck, what the hell were you thinking?
What the hell are you going to do now? Why did you start this?
You knew you’d be left to end it like this.”
And when we all sat down, we made a promise,
Like at the end of the game “we’ll all be dead – no-one lives,
That way, each of us, we all win, and it’s time we had a win”.
And so shaking my hand is at my temple, and I’m hearing
screams in my ears like ‘do it’ like ‘what are you thinking’
like ‘this is the end, this is the tragic end you always knew
would find you’ and my fingers shaking so bad I pull the trigger
by accident and it clicks once, it clicks twice, it clicks three times,
And that’s time for me to hesitate, and then I ask why do i
hesitate? And how it makes me hate myself for being so weak,
But they all did it and they’re all l dead and if I’m found like this
I’ll be sentenced to worse than death so I may as well make
the body count an even six. Raising the barrel back up to my temple,
Shaking hand and shaking breath, I’m on the verge of tears,
All of a sudden they clear and everything just fades away,
I let my eyes close a little and I pull. It doesn’t click at all.
I don’t hear a word. I don’t feel a thing. I can’t move my tongue.
I can’t make a sound. I don’t see anything. And then…
the gates of Heaven approach and in my panic, I cut out my tongue,
if I’ve got nothing to confess with maybe they’ll let me in,
If I’ve got no way of asking for forgiveness maybe they’ll let me in,
But thunderbolt, just like in my mind, and I feel again, I feel the pain
I thought I left behind and I don’t see pitchforks and red men,
But I know where I am, with the sand eating my ankles,
With the sand clawing at my throat, and I laugh,
I just laugh. After all of that I end up in the same damn place
I was trying to leave. And I look around but there’s nobody.
And I realize my worst fear was being left all alone, feeling
all alone and now I’m stuck in eternity all alone surrounded
by sand and I can’t even feel the weather – it doesn’t matter,
I feel alone, that’s all the punishment I need, I laugh,
Oh what a bloody end. Oh what a bloody stupid end.
Oh what a bloody “I could’ve seen that coming”.
Oh what a way to start the end, and now we’re all
in our little separate hells living our worst fantasies,
Alone, alone, alone and we thought we’d all win this way,
But we all lost, we all lost to the universe.
We have been sitting here for days on end,
Just passing around this gun,
And we play fast, not like wimps,
We don’t pause to wash our hands,
We just hand it, pull it, hand it on,
And we can never quite decide,
who wins – those left around the table
or those strewn on the floor.
So we just keep playing, and we all
avoid the question –what about when there’s
only one person left? But you can see
the fear in each of our eyes – don’t want to be last,
Don’t want to be left behind,
And we pull the trigger with ferocity
And sigh, but not in relief, when it clicks,
And a sharp intake of breath flows around the table
when the air ignites with our buddy’s blood.
And we play fast, not like wimps,
We no longer bother pausing to wash our hands,
Like it would make a difference, they’re so red,
Probably still stained from years ago,
‘Cause we just sit at this table and we never
move, I’ve held a gun to my head so many times,
Always begging, always pleading silently,
Always hoping inside to hear…nothing,
That click is like a death sentence in that
it’s not and if it were I wouldn’t hear a thing,
Or think a thing, or see a thing, or breathe a thing,
Or cry a thing, or mean a thing, or feel a thing,
What a perfect way to go, what a perfect way to live,
What a perfect ending, what perfection,
I’m passing it faster and faster now,
I’m starting to get desperate,
“Oh my hand slipped” I took two shots,
Before I passed it on and blood found my face,
My hands, my clothes, my body, my arms,
And there’s three left now, just three,
And we play fast, we each are so desperate,
And click, click, click, each click burns my ears,
And I’m trying not to be on the verge of tears,
When will this end? Hell, when will this end?
I plead, when will this come to an end?
And click, click, I’m so tired, I’m so tired
of all this clicking, and click, click, and it’s
igniting but it’s not on me and the blood
is getting hard to see through now,
The room looks like a murder scene,
But it’s not – this isn’t murder,
This is just a bunch of desperate people
playing an old-fashioned game
to kill the time until they kill themselves,
And there’s two left now, and I’m so scared
of being the last one but I know my luck,
Yes, I know my luck and I pull, and I pull again,
And I pull again but she rips it out of my hand,
“it’s not your turn, it’s my turn now”
And her blood crashes down on me,
And I cry, I just cry and it wets the dried blood on my face,
And it flakes down my neck and lands on my shoulders,
And I knew I’d be the last one left, and I scream at myself
“Why did you start this? You know your rotten luck,
Why did you think this would different? You know
your rotten luck, what the hell were you thinking?
What the hell are you going to do now? Why did you start this?
You knew you’d be left to end it like this.”
And when we all sat down, we made a promise,
Like at the end of the game “we’ll all be dead – no-one lives,
That way, each of us, we all win, and it’s time we had a win”.
And so shaking my hand is at my temple, and I’m hearing
screams in my ears like ‘do it’ like ‘what are you thinking’
like ‘this is the end, this is the tragic end you always knew
would find you’ and my fingers shaking so bad I pull the trigger
by accident and it clicks once, it clicks twice, it clicks three times,
And that’s time for me to hesitate, and then I ask why do i
hesitate? And how it makes me hate myself for being so weak,
But they all did it and they’re all l dead and if I’m found like this
I’ll be sentenced to worse than death so I may as well make
the body count an even six. Raising the barrel back up to my temple,
Shaking hand and shaking breath, I’m on the verge of tears,
All of a sudden they clear and everything just fades away,
I let my eyes close a little and I pull. It doesn’t click at all.
I don’t hear a word. I don’t feel a thing. I can’t move my tongue.
I can’t make a sound. I don’t see anything. And then…
the gates of Heaven approach and in my panic, I cut out my tongue,
if I’ve got nothing to confess with maybe they’ll let me in,
If I’ve got no way of asking for forgiveness maybe they’ll let me in,
But thunderbolt, just like in my mind, and I feel again, I feel the pain
I thought I left behind and I don’t see pitchforks and red men,
But I know where I am, with the sand eating my ankles,
With the sand clawing at my throat, and I laugh,
I just laugh. After all of that I end up in the same damn place
I was trying to leave. And I look around but there’s nobody.
And I realize my worst fear was being left all alone, feeling
all alone and now I’m stuck in eternity all alone surrounded
by sand and I can’t even feel the weather – it doesn’t matter,
I feel alone, that’s all the punishment I need, I laugh,
Oh what a bloody end. Oh what a bloody stupid end.
Oh what a bloody “I could’ve seen that coming”.
Oh what a way to start the end, and now we’re all
in our little separate hells living our worst fantasies,
Alone, alone, alone and we thought we’d all win this way,
But we all lost, we all lost to the universe.
3-11-09
I can’t find the right words today,
They just are not coming to me
as easily as they sometimes do,
I’ll just keep writing until I find ‘em.
And my breathing is shallow – I tend
to get a little scared when I can’t express myself,
Well I think my past paints that picture just right.
Cuts on my arm and hands gripping my heart,
As I try not to give it away but is it a choice at all?
My fingers are slipping, getting bloody ‘cause I really
dug my nails in and now my heart is falling to pieces
in her hands, in her hands.
I get scared when I can’t write because I think I
might have just lost the only way I can express myself,
and the only thing about myself that I sometimes like.
I think I look to her and go ‘well she’s so beautiful,
I can write about her ‘til my fingers fall off’ but
so far they’re just red and blistered, and my wrists
are hurting from writing, not cutting, that was further up
just below the elbow, but that only stings a little now,
as the skin starts to heal, and wow, I’m good at stuffing up,
and I’m so bad at living. And I’m so tragic at living.
I can’t find the right words today,
They just are not coming to me
as easily as they sometimes do,
I’ll just keep writing until I find ‘em.
And my breathing is shallow – I tend
to get a little scared when I can’t express myself,
Well I think my past paints that picture just right.
Cuts on my arm and hands gripping my heart,
As I try not to give it away but is it a choice at all?
My fingers are slipping, getting bloody ‘cause I really
dug my nails in and now my heart is falling to pieces
in her hands, in her hands.
I get scared when I can’t write because I think I
might have just lost the only way I can express myself,
and the only thing about myself that I sometimes like.
I think I look to her and go ‘well she’s so beautiful,
I can write about her ‘til my fingers fall off’ but
so far they’re just red and blistered, and my wrists
are hurting from writing, not cutting, that was further up
just below the elbow, but that only stings a little now,
as the skin starts to heal, and wow, I’m good at stuffing up,
and I’m so bad at living. And I’m so tragic at living.
This Bed..
3-11-09
I made this bed so messily,
Now all I do is lie in it,
In the same clothes as yesterday,
I never change my sheets,
My pillows getting flat,
I made this bed so messily,
Now all I do is lie in it,
Yet I am suffering a lack of sleep,
I never ever change,
Or learn a thing.
I made this bed so messily,
To lie in, to die in,
I feel myself fading, I sink
right into the creases of the sheets,
I sink right into my mold in the mattress,
I just sink full-stop.
I made this bed so messily,
Now I have to lie in it,
And all I hope is I die in it,
And I know this is all consequence
But it doesn’t stop my actions,
I will never ever change,
I will just forever sink,
I will never ever change,
I will just sink and…
maybe I’ll die in the same bed
I had all those tragic nights in,
maybe I’ll die in this same bed,
That I love but I hate.
I made this bed so messily,
Now all I do is lie in it,
In the same clothes as yesterday,
I never change my sheets,
My pillows getting flat,
I made this bed so messily,
Now all I do is lie in it,
Yet I am suffering a lack of sleep,
I never ever change,
Or learn a thing.
I made this bed so messily,
To lie in, to die in,
I feel myself fading, I sink
right into the creases of the sheets,
I sink right into my mold in the mattress,
I just sink full-stop.
I made this bed so messily,
Now I have to lie in it,
And all I hope is I die in it,
And I know this is all consequence
But it doesn’t stop my actions,
I will never ever change,
I will just forever sink,
I will never ever change,
I will just sink and…
maybe I’ll die in the same bed
I had all those tragic nights in,
maybe I’ll die in this same bed,
That I love but I hate.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
30-10-09
30-10-09
I may have boxed myself in
a little too much, these edges
are a little close, razorblades
on the walls that are closing in,
now grazing me and threatening…
I’m backing away but this room
is four walls and a roof covered
in sharp objects wherever I turn,
I’m bleeding now everywhere
and it’s only getting so much worse…
You can repair a body,
can you repair a mind?
You can stitch up the skin,
but how do you help a soul?
You can medicate a body,
Or cut out the bad parts,
Thread things back together,
Or even introduce new organs,
But does any of it matter if the soul
is disintegrating, if the head the body
is attached to doesn’t want to be?
You can’t repair a will to live,
You can’t cut out sick memories,
You can’t heal a soul that’s lost it will,
You can fix up the body again and again,
You can fix up the body for quite a while,
But the mind is different – and more so
is the will to live, you can’t just introduce,
implant a will to live in a brain,
It’s meant to be innate, but if you’re born
without it, you just can’t grasp it.
I may have boxed myself in
a little too much, these edges
are a little close, razorblades
on the walls that are closing in,
now grazing me and threatening…
I’m backing away but this room
is four walls and a roof covered
in sharp objects wherever I turn,
I’m bleeding now everywhere
and it’s only getting so much worse…
You can repair a body,
can you repair a mind?
You can stitch up the skin,
but how do you help a soul?
You can medicate a body,
Or cut out the bad parts,
Thread things back together,
Or even introduce new organs,
But does any of it matter if the soul
is disintegrating, if the head the body
is attached to doesn’t want to be?
You can’t repair a will to live,
You can’t cut out sick memories,
You can’t heal a soul that’s lost it will,
You can fix up the body again and again,
You can fix up the body for quite a while,
But the mind is different – and more so
is the will to live, you can’t just introduce,
implant a will to live in a brain,
It’s meant to be innate, but if you’re born
without it, you just can’t grasp it.
28-10-09
28-9-09
Could you give me a little space, please?
Stand maybe a good ten feet away.
I am in some kind of conductive state.
Where I take on everything I meet.
Everything I meet I take and I pile it on these shoulders.
And I have to tell you my workout doesn’t cover this.
There is no way my shoulders are trained to quite take this.
Everything I meet I take and I thrust it through this heart.
And I have to tell you my cardio system is in disrepair.
There is no way my heart is quite facilitated to cope with this.
Could you back away just a tad, please?
Stand maybe a good twenty feet away.
I am in some kind of insane state.
Where I take in everything I see.
Everything I see I take it in and I throw it behind these eyes.
And I have to tell you my prescription doesn’t meet the requirements.
There is no way my eyes are ready to see what they’re about to see.
Everything I see I take it in and just shove it with every memory.
And I have to tell you my memory is being crushed.
Have you ever seen a demolished construction rise
Right from the ashes, right in front of your little eyes.
Have you ever seen a building knocked down,
Only to put itself back together, the reflection in your eyes
shows that you’re ready to cry, that you’re ready to cry
over all of this, won’t you ever cry?
I blink away every reflection that meets these eyes.
Simply, I just blink it all away,
Save all that pain, all those tears, all that.
Save it all for some never-ever day.
Could you give me a little space, please?
Stand maybe a good ten feet away.
I am in some kind of conductive state.
Where I take on everything I meet.
Everything I meet I take and I pile it on these shoulders.
And I have to tell you my workout doesn’t cover this.
There is no way my shoulders are trained to quite take this.
Everything I meet I take and I thrust it through this heart.
And I have to tell you my cardio system is in disrepair.
There is no way my heart is quite facilitated to cope with this.
Could you back away just a tad, please?
Stand maybe a good twenty feet away.
I am in some kind of insane state.
Where I take in everything I see.
Everything I see I take it in and I throw it behind these eyes.
And I have to tell you my prescription doesn’t meet the requirements.
There is no way my eyes are ready to see what they’re about to see.
Everything I see I take it in and just shove it with every memory.
And I have to tell you my memory is being crushed.
Have you ever seen a demolished construction rise
Right from the ashes, right in front of your little eyes.
Have you ever seen a building knocked down,
Only to put itself back together, the reflection in your eyes
shows that you’re ready to cry, that you’re ready to cry
over all of this, won’t you ever cry?
I blink away every reflection that meets these eyes.
Simply, I just blink it all away,
Save all that pain, all those tears, all that.
Save it all for some never-ever day.
27-10-09
27-9-09
I’d sing you every word I write
if I thought I had a voice worth listening to,
But I don’t.
I’d compose you a song too,
If I knew how to,
I’d teach myself to
if I thought it would woo
you .
but I know you are leagues
and leagues and leagues away.
It’d all be acoustic, plucking single lonely
strings and it wouldn’t go anywhere – lonely
on airwaves that play those pathetic, repetitive lonesome
songs ‘cause you’re all I’d sing about and it would get so old,
so, so, so, quickly.
If I thought I could make you smile,
I’d do everything and so much more,
If you asked.
If you said jump, I’d say how high?
If you said run, I’d say how far?
If you said get up, I’d be on my feet.
If you said go, I’d say now?
If you said I love you, I’d remember it forever,
Even if you never ever really meant it.
Can you hear my whiny, strained voice?
Plucking lonesome strings that are trying to snap,
that are cracking and blistering all my single fingers and thumb,
This never gets old for me – it never leaves my mind – SNAP,
every string just killed itself for playing such a tragic song
so, so, so many times.
I’d sing you every word I write
if I thought I had a voice worth listening to,
But I don’t.
I’d compose you a song too,
If I knew how to,
I’d teach myself to
if I thought it would woo
you .
but I know you are leagues
and leagues and leagues away.
It’d all be acoustic, plucking single lonely
strings and it wouldn’t go anywhere – lonely
on airwaves that play those pathetic, repetitive lonesome
songs ‘cause you’re all I’d sing about and it would get so old,
so, so, so, quickly.
If I thought I could make you smile,
I’d do everything and so much more,
If you asked.
If you said jump, I’d say how high?
If you said run, I’d say how far?
If you said get up, I’d be on my feet.
If you said go, I’d say now?
If you said I love you, I’d remember it forever,
Even if you never ever really meant it.
Can you hear my whiny, strained voice?
Plucking lonesome strings that are trying to snap,
that are cracking and blistering all my single fingers and thumb,
This never gets old for me – it never leaves my mind – SNAP,
every string just killed itself for playing such a tragic song
so, so, so many times.
27-9-09
27-9-09
Keep the blood in your wrists,
for them, for them, for them only.
Keep the breath in your lungs,
for them, for them, for them only.
Let your heart pump your blood,
through all your working arteries,
through and through and through.
Keep every drop in your arm,
for your friends, for your family,
Keep all that air passing through,
for them, for them, for them only.
If you could ever think of a better
reason for all this living
that feels so wrong but it feels so wrong
to end it too
you’d be content, for you and you only.
But I don’t, so I keep all the blood
in my wrist, in my head,
for you, for you, for you,
I keep all the blood passing through
and through, and through, and through,
And it feels so wrong but dying doesn’t
feel right either so I keep it all inside,
I mean all inside, for you, for you,
this is all for you but I’m scared that’s
not enough, it’s not enough to see
me all the way through this. I’ll just
keep floating through ‘til I meet what I know
is bound to jump out at me any minute from…
now.
Keep the blood in your wrists,
for them, for them, for them only.
Keep the breath in your lungs,
for them, for them, for them only.
Let your heart pump your blood,
through all your working arteries,
through and through and through.
Keep every drop in your arm,
for your friends, for your family,
Keep all that air passing through,
for them, for them, for them only.
If you could ever think of a better
reason for all this living
that feels so wrong but it feels so wrong
to end it too
you’d be content, for you and you only.
But I don’t, so I keep all the blood
in my wrist, in my head,
for you, for you, for you,
I keep all the blood passing through
and through, and through, and through,
And it feels so wrong but dying doesn’t
feel right either so I keep it all inside,
I mean all inside, for you, for you,
this is all for you but I’m scared that’s
not enough, it’s not enough to see
me all the way through this. I’ll just
keep floating through ‘til I meet what I know
is bound to jump out at me any minute from…
now.
18-10-09
18-10-09
I’ve got four pills and a drink
waiting for me at home,
Can you give me a better offer,
I’m hating this same old routine.
In and out of stingy little offices
where I pour out my little heart
and every feeling and worry’ll
Never come out ‘cause I’m
as far from honest as black from white,
And we all say we’re accepting
but we all know what lies under skin,
And that’s judgment.
I’ve got a nicely fluffed pillow
waiting for me at home,
Can I find a better offer?
I’m tired of this same old routine.
Open and closing this mouth
well I can’t fill my tongue
and I just know my heart’ll
Never be heard ‘cause I’m
as far from honest as north from south,
And it’s more than a long trek
and we all know that we just cannot
be bothered.
I’ve got a sea full of tears yearning,
I’ve got a headache waiting,
I’ve got an evil inside yearning,
I’ve got a potential death waiting…
I’ve got a box of pills and a drink
waiting for me at home,
You can’t give me a better offer,
I’m done with the same routine.
Drinks can chase down pills,
as long as my heart escapes,
and every thought and fear’ll…
I’ve got four pills and a drink
waiting for me at home,
Can you give me a better offer,
I’m hating this same old routine.
In and out of stingy little offices
where I pour out my little heart
and every feeling and worry’ll
Never come out ‘cause I’m
as far from honest as black from white,
And we all say we’re accepting
but we all know what lies under skin,
And that’s judgment.
I’ve got a nicely fluffed pillow
waiting for me at home,
Can I find a better offer?
I’m tired of this same old routine.
Open and closing this mouth
well I can’t fill my tongue
and I just know my heart’ll
Never be heard ‘cause I’m
as far from honest as north from south,
And it’s more than a long trek
and we all know that we just cannot
be bothered.
I’ve got a sea full of tears yearning,
I’ve got a headache waiting,
I’ve got an evil inside yearning,
I’ve got a potential death waiting…
I’ve got a box of pills and a drink
waiting for me at home,
You can’t give me a better offer,
I’m done with the same routine.
Drinks can chase down pills,
as long as my heart escapes,
and every thought and fear’ll…
12-10-09
12-10-09
Every time I see or write the date,
I get just a little bit more scared,
Like this was supposed to end years ago,
So why am I still walking, breathing, living?
Time is my biggest enemy
other than myself (of course),
Time is my biggest enemy,
And I am my biggest obstacle
in this.
Every time I look at the clock,
Changed from am to pm so quickly,
I feel my heart start to race like I
shouldn’t be walking, breathing, living.
Time is stuck on fast-forward
and I’m stuck on pause,
Time is trying to bury the past
but failing and passing its misery
onto me.
Every time I see or write the date,
I get just a little bit more scared,
Like this was supposed to end years ago,
So why am I still walking, breathing, living?
Time is my biggest enemy
other than myself (of course),
Time is my biggest enemy,
And I am my biggest obstacle
in this.
Every time I look at the clock,
Changed from am to pm so quickly,
I feel my heart start to race like I
shouldn’t be walking, breathing, living.
Time is stuck on fast-forward
and I’m stuck on pause,
Time is trying to bury the past
but failing and passing its misery
onto me.
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