Standing Still

3/4/09
I hop on trains to places
I don’t know just to
feel the movement.
Because I cannot move myself forward.
I am so stuck
in between the tracks.
And trains just rush right past me
without a second glance.
I am just standing stock still
in the pouring rain – I won’t cry
not today. The chemicals
made me better for a minute
but then I got too used to them.
Drivers are beeping at me to move
but I’m just paralysed by the things I’ve seen,
And by the nightmares I dream.
And my eyes are trying to turn the image right way up
But my mind just doesn’t want to see – I fall
to my knees and hide my tears within the rain.
Because my eyes are showing me all the sickness
and sad memories I tried to pretend didn’t exist.
And now I’m just screaming with the thunder
but my mouth doesn’t make a sound
My heartbeat beats faster and loudly in my ears
I cannot hear the storm anymore.
I just close my eyes and let them burn with salty tears
as I force myself to forget for another day
and as I force myself to stop crying and put on
a brave face, just for everyone but me.
‘Cause it kills me inside but it brings to your
face a smile so I grit my teeth and smile.
So I cover my cuts and smile.
So I bury my memories and smile.
So I swallow the pills and smile.
So I silence the screaming
until I’m alone again.