25-11-09
Have you ever, ever felt so desperate
that you just go “well, I’ll just kill myself”
and as an alternative – plan b, “I’ll walk
around in the dark until someone murders me”,
Have you ever, ever felt that desperate?

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, that feeling inside
like you are fighting uphill and not meant to survive,
Like there’s been a plan right from the start
and you were destined to carry so many scars
on your heart, like you were meant to feel alone
every second of every minute or every hour,
and there was nothing to do about it at all.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, keeping secrets,
so tight in between your teeth, and crushing
them, holding back your tongue with all your strength,
but you don’t feel strong, just incredibly weak,
you can’t stand still, your hands are always on the shake,
every second of every minute of every hour,
and there is nothing to do about this all.
I wouldn’t wish it away though, it’s all I know,
how else do people live, they must be so oblivious
that such a feeling can exist, where you feel so worthless,
so empty, so alone, so messed up inside
your very own head, your enemy.

And they could cut me, yes, they could cut me
wide open and separate my ribs, rifle through
my organs and dig, dig, dig,
but they won’t find an answer, not deep in there,
or not in my brain either so save yourself a waste of time,
you can’t find a physical memoir of feelings other than
the scars on my arms and over my body,
but this is me telling you how it feels to have that feeling
like you were never ever meant to survive,
and I’m telling you it is impossible to understand.