Lead

23/11/10

I saw a guide dog across the room
and I thought ‘you’re life is going
to be more meaningful than mine’
unless I step up, step up,
And take this by the throat and shake it,

I know I’ve potential if I’m trained
and I thought ‘I’ve got to make
something out of this before I die’
so I will step up, step up,
And take this by the throat and whisper
‘disappear’

You’ll lead a blind man to his destination,
I will lead the sick into the light
And not the one you see when you die,
The one that greets you when you say ‘yes’ to life.

‘Cause suicide is a waste of life,
Especially when you can never get it right,
There’s a reason you fail every time,
You are meant for so much more
And so am I so I promise to try harder,

One day I will lead the sick into the light,
It might just take me a little more time,
But we can live forever if we’re willing.

-

22/11/10
I will not let this rule me, no,
I will not let this ruin me, no,
I cannot afford to let this run the wheels
up inside my head, it’s not like I’m not
crazy enough without him in my soul,
I’ve done more than enough damage there,

I cannot let this be the underlie,
I promise I will not fold,
I cannot let this fill the last lines
of my report.

I will fight through this, yes,
I will rip through this, yes,
I will hold up my head as often as I
can to keep those wheels so very even,
I might be crazy but at least I’m alive,
I’ve done so much damage inside,

But at least I’m willing to repair it all,

I cannot let this be the underlie,
I promise I will not fold,
I cannot let this fill the last lines
of my report.

I promise I will be alive for as long
as God allows and my life
will only be ended at His hand and no-one elses,
I promise I will be alive long enough
that my report can say
cause of death; old age.

I promise I will not fold though I may remain insane,
I won’t be doomed, you see I’ve this strength
I’ve been hiding inside and I didn’t even know,
It just took all of this pain to ignite,
And now I’m standing, fists up,
I’ve been training and I’m ready to fight.

Fair Weather Foes

21+25/11/10
It’s been raining for a week,
I sat at home on my own,
On the couch just making fiction friends
with books and tv,
‘Cause my phone may as well been on silent
for all the calls I get.

Well the clouds are clearing up,
And the sun is becoming clear,
And what a surprise, I turned around
and saw you standing there,
Yeah, the weathers fair.

Yeah, I spent this week depressed,
A mess buried in bed,
Just losing friends like dropping flies
where my mouth is
the bug spray and my heart is the can,
I’m alone.

Well, the clouds are clearing up,
And the sun is becoming clear,
And what a surprise, I turned around
and saw you standing there,
Yeah, the weathers fair.

“I’m going to put the bottle down”,
All I got was a few squints and a frown,
“It’s driving me crazy, yeah insane”,
Not a single foe remained
‘Cause all my friends ran away,

But now the clouds are clearing up,
And the sun is becoming clear,
And what a surprise, I turned around
and saw my old friends there,
Yeah, the weathers fair.

But while I’ve been growing,
You’ve been delaying,
But while I’ve been trying,
You’ve stuck to habits,
And while I’ve been moving forward,
You’ve been staying still.

Yeah, the weathers fair
but there’s no place for you here.

2012

18/11/10
The sun is shining,
The birds are singing,
The world is at – no , wait,
Go.

The sun hid behind a cloud
And the birds are dropping like flies,
Apocalypse – the world is coming to an end,
Oh how I hope I don’t die alone,
But I question if I have any friends…left.

So I have to stop pushing them away,
And drag ‘em close without drowning,
It’s so easy once one’s under
for the waves to eat us both.

I’ve got nothing left lyrically
And I can only hope your imagination
is enough to picture two thousand and twelve,
And oh where will you be?
And oh do I have the time to find…myself.

So I have to stop pushing this down,
And drag it up without drowning,
It’s so easy once I’m under
to just let the waves take over.

It’s just water, I scream, hardly solid,
I won’t drown in it, I won’t walk on it,
But I will tread it.

The clouds are grey, expectations
so met it’s kind of (do I dare to say) boring,
For a world so complicated you’d think they’d
be a little more creative
than grey clouds and smoke, burning tree’s
and ugly buildings falling to pieces,
Oh there we go, a hole in the sky and the ground opens up
and everyone is starting to run,
The so young and the so old are taken first
But this thing gains speed, I swear my feet are so sore
not because I’m running but I nailed them to the floor.

Bionic

8/11/10
I’m twenty one and I’ve more than a false hip,
I take more pills than all your grandparents put together,
And I have to oil my limbs every day to keep them in shape,
It wasn’t an alien abduction or a concentration camp
but there were a thousand inhumane experiments
and I was mistaken thinking I’m human, I’m not
even a guinea pig, just a fucking vessel for a million
chemicals, replace all my insides.

They gave me six thousand sedatives
to be sure I wouldn’t wake up,
Would you believe I still woke up?
Well, they made a million incisions
and they pulled off all my limbs,
Took a look inside, ‘no, no this won’t do’,
They removed every organ and drained
out every litre of blood I held,
I don’t know how they kept the body beating,
They remade more than my entire nervous system,
I don’t have veins, I’ve got wires running through,
I’ve got bionic limbs, did you mistake me for a hero?
I’m nowhere even close, and you put a microphone
deep inside my throat, stuck on one volume – low,
So when I woke up, as if six thousand would be enough,
no-one heard me scream, what a beautiful plan,
And what ugly insides, at least they reflect my outsides,

I look in mirrors and I feel my metal fingers curl,
Cause my eyes are empty and expressionless,
And I can’t even whisper affirmations,
Every move I make is so, so noisy
with this metal grinding upon metal,
And messages flow through these wires,
I can’t pick up a phone without causing interference,
And so I try to stay perfectly still

I don’t bother trying to sleep,
It’s so uncomfortable, like lying on stone,
Besides, like a television or a radio,
My brain doesn’t need sleep anyway,
I’m just a mechanical being,
So how come I still feel suicidal?

-

7/11/10
Wrap my eyes with material,
Spin me ‘round six times real quick,
Then tell me to find my destination,
Every tree is a lie and I’m pretty sure
I’ll bleed out in this forest.
Tell a blind man to paint the sunset,
And the deaf to write a symphony,
I’m so far broken, the sick can’t heal the sick,
And the kind of funny thing is
I’ve only taken about ten steps
And my destination is so out of sight.
-

A Different Solution.

A DIFFERENT SOLUTION
I’m over forty five minute sessions
on a couch while you write a new prescription,
And I take up but hide another addiction,
This doesn’t work for me ‘cause I can’t trust
white lab coats and judging frowns,

I must have spent forty thousand
whining about how hard my pointless life is,
And these weekly session confirm this,
This isn’t working for me ‘cause I can’t trust
an inanimate prescription pad.
Then I left the shiny new buildings
with their comfortable waiting seats,
But you’d wait for a solution forever,
Then I left the shiny new buildings
and stepped into the real world

where people poured and shared
their souls with one another
like it was gold, and it was.
There was no judging frown
and hands were only held out to hold
not to take and freedom was only a room
away if you so desired.
And all the differences fade away
and all the similarities provide the welcome,
And all the experience provide the strength,
And all the people provide the reason
to keep on coming back.

And this is a medicine that you can’t bottle
or work into a pill, you can’t write a prescription for this.

And this could just about work
‘cause in these rooms I found someone I can trust.