14-10-10

14/10/10
Woke up to itching eyes, I raised,
I saw a shape just above my bed,
A mess of wires all connected
to form the face of the demon
I knew must be haunting me,

I stopped breathing and stared,
I shut and opened my eyes
praying my eyelids would work like
windscreen wipers with the truth,
But since when has my life been easy?

Captivated I could not look away,
I expanded my lungs until I nearly died,
A mess of memories all connected
to form the fact that the demon
has always been haunting me,

I stopped breathing and stared,
I shut and opened my eyes
praying my eyelids would work like
windscreen wipers with the truth,
But since when has my life been easy?

I’m stuck in a life too hard
when I know I wouldn’t appreciate an easy one,
I’m stuck with only myself
when I know I wouldn’t want to be anyone else,
I’m stuck with the truth,

And my eyelids, I pray you work like
windscreen wipers for the truth is hard to take,
And my eyelids, I pray you work like
windscreen wipers where I am the
insignificant bug in the way.

11-10-10

11/10/10
It’s hard when you have to
talk yourself into taking every tiny step
and everyone’s expecting you
to run a marathon and get top prize,

Their expectations
require motivation,
I keep the smile plastered
the best I can,
But I fear failing despite the
distance I’ve ran.

It’s hard to comprehend
that everyone is believing in you to win
when you can’t believe a thing
you’re just trying so hard to impress,

Their expectations
require motivation,
I feel the smile slipping
into tension,
And I fear failing despite
all the attention.

I feel the pressure of the lies,
I feel their hopes for my life,
I just fear I cannot fulfill them,
I am tired of all the attention,
I never asked for it – why can’t I just
be sick and that’s it.

Their expectations
require motivation,
I paint the smile all the way
over my frown,
And I am close to failing
I’m sorry but I’m out.’

I drowned my head in you,
I drowned my head in impressing,
Now I need to work on getting better.

10-10-10

10/10/10

My feet hurt from all the pressure
sinking through the concrete,
I feel the flames slowly wrapping up
my melting shriveling feet
just to catch up with my heart,

I pushed you away and then complained,
“I’m all alone, I’m going to die so lonely”

The cracks are beginning to show,
I’d appreciate if you pretended not to know,
The cracks are all on show,
I’d appreciate if you would just let me go.

My head is dull from all the stress
sinking through the dry dirt,
I feel the worms slowly passing through
my bleeding eardrums
on the way to my tired brain,

I pushed you away and I pushed it down,
I pushed myself away and I pushed it all down,

The cracks are beginning to show,
I’d appreciate if you pretended not to know,
The cracks are all on show,
I’d appreciate if you would just let me go.

My neck, my shoulders ache
from holding up my entire world
with these hands, these wrists’,
and my veins begin to split
and I hide the blood under my hands,
And I’m still living a double life,
There’s too much for two hands worth,
I’m covering it all with new lies.

10+11-10-10

10+11/10/10
Is this my destiny
or my death trap?
Is this just prolonging the inevitable
and is it a coincidence the only thing
that helps is the things that makes
me face my fears?

But what’s the use of growth
if you’re never planning to get to
full height.

Is this my calling
or my last minutes
Did I learn just to prove I was capable
if I had the motivation and am I
going to die before I unlock my
true potential?

How do you face all your fears
with no guts at all – I’m all
empty inside.

Is this going to save
or to kill me,
Did I come here just for torture
“Here’s what your life could…”
But I never come out on top,
Will that not change?

And what’s the use in change
if it’s not permanent – it all
ends up the same.

And you don’t water weeds
so don’t nurture me,
And you don’t water weeds
So don’t come close to me.

8-10-10

8/10/10
It’s like I’m standing on this edge
which is threatening to swallow me
And I’m begging it to.

I’ve had enough of this disease,
It’s time because the cracks are showing
I’m getting so clumsy and I can’t do this.

I need to keep it all inside
Can’t even let myself see me cry.

I’m a self contained unit
but this isn’t working anymore.

The amount of times I’ve scrambled up this throat
but this time I’m ready to let the acid
disintegrate me.

The truth is my worst enemy,
And I won’t let these eyes wet,
I won’t go back to that place,
I’d rather jump over this edge.

Run

4/10/10
I’m yelling at my shadow
‘open your eyes this isn’t
going to last forever, there’s
a window of opportunity,
And I’m afraid it’s narrow
so you’ve got to get moving,
and kid, run that mouth
‘til your tongue is limp
and your head is free,
And kid, run that mouth
instead of those feet’.

Honesty

6/10/10

Honesty doesn’t agree with me,
Makes my guts squirm like worms,
Hurts my eyes so I can’t sleep,
And lets go my tongue so I can speak

But I don’t want to utter another word
or take another breath with these
never-meant-to-be lips.

For me, there is nothing worse
than vulnerability and weakening
just because you can’t keep a secret,
It kills me.

I have these double standards
which are so disgustingly distorted
having these expectations for myself
so much higher than for anyone else,

But I try not to expect anything at all
from me, I don’t want to break this
never-meant-to-be heart.

For me, there is nothing worse
than vulnerability and weakening
just because you can’t keep a secret,
this kills me.

So I try not to speak a word,
So I try not to breathe too deep,
So I try not to cut my veins,
So I try just to sleep the night through,
I try just to survive another day,
And it’s all for you, believe me,
It’s all for you,

But I don’t want to expect anything at all
from you, I don’t want to break this
never-meant-to-be heart.

Vulnerability equals healing,
Speaking isn’t weakening,
And vulnerability equals trusting,
And trusting is all based on strength,
And honesty is the only cure.

5-10-10

5/10/10

I’m puzzling today about why
people would want to befriend me,
I’m so unworthy, I don’t understand it,
I can’t see any kind of good reason

why you’d nearly kill yourself
just trying to save me,
I guess I nearly killed myself
trying to save you too.

I’m sitting all alone and wondering
why I have a phone when it goes off
and I wonder who could possibly want me,
I can’t see any kind of good reason

why you’d nearly kill yourself
just trying to save me,
I guess I nearly killed myself
trying to save you too,

But you are worth more than my life,
You are worth more than a thousand tears,
Yet I think you sit alone and wonder

why I’d nearly kill myself
just trying to save you,
Well you nearly killed yourself
trying to save me too,

You are still my everything,
And I am still a good for nothing.

The Beach's Memory

1/10/10

The beach holds such mixed memories for me,
With my first love we watched the sea,
We watched the waves crush the shore,
We ran, we played tag in the sand,

But we didn’t last – I broke his heart,
Wore him down with my war story,
So I wouldn’t be the only one breaking,
Blame game no wait, I’m just so sorry.

The beach holds such mixed memories for me,
With my best friends we sat in the sea,
They talked while I felt so out of place,
I drank, they ran, I cursed the sand,

We didn’t last – I broke their hearts,
Wore them down with my war story,
So I wasn’t holding everything inside,
Blame game, no wait, I’m just so sorry.

I’d drink the entire sea if it gave me that feeling,
I cursed every mouthful that didn’t,
It cost me more than money and headaches,
I’d eat the entire beach if every grain were a pill,

The beach – it brings out the worst in me,
With only myself now I watch the sea,
I watch the waves collide around me,
I bend, on my knee’s, I hope God can hear me,

“I need something consistent,
I need someone who can take my story,
So I don’t have to feel all alone and broken,
I’m tired of always feeling sorry.
Amen”.