For something a bit different.

9-10-09
There’s not many things from the past
we should hold onto and never let go,
But we’ve got to grasp this with all our hands,
We’ve got to hold this fast – preserve language
and art, the way it’s meant to be.
I know all this new technology is convenient
but art is not about convenience.

Not with these electronic little shopping lists
and the little chimes they make upon communicating,
Communication is more than just “aw, I luv u 2, c u then’,
now just how artistic is that? Now just how sick
is that to the lovers of the language?

Even drawing is done on touch-screen devices
and what ever happened to the pencil in the hand
which is just so much more true, personal and intimate,
(she says, as she types this on a screen herself)
maybe we are just scared of honesty?

It’s so much easier to lie when you don’t have an eye
to look into but just a bright screen to tell all your lies to
and there’s so little connection to the final addressee,
It’s nothing like a pen to a page, a stamp to a tongue,
an envelope that travels the world to doorsteps,
And when you read that slanted writing you can tell
just how the other person was feeling, and the holes
made in the page from anger make you worry more than a
“I’m so p’d off, man”, oh, how artistic, oh, how meaningless.

There aren’t many things from the past
we should hold onto and never let go,
But I don’t want to see the day the kids question
“oh, what is a … pen? You mean you used to write
directly onto the paper?” ‘
Tragedy and let’s just hold onto the language,
onto the tools of writing and onto art.

untitled

4-09-09

Good evening ladies and gents,
And take your seats won’t you please?
And take an ear and turn it this way,
Won’t you grant me just an ear tonight?
Let me just get this microphone nice and quiet.

I’m fading into the background of this life,
I am fading into the background of this night.
With the music and lyrics I’m listening to,
I am just another angst-filled teenager.
Except in a few months I will be twenty,
And I am finding that so depressing,
As I’ve been vowing to end this all before
my next birthday since I was fifteen.
Now they don’t take me seriously,
I guess I cried “suicide” one too many times.

Intermission, ladies and gents,
Free to leave or get a beer if you please,
some spirits would calm these nerves,
But well we all know how that story ends,
Just a little, just a little sip won’t hurt.

Well, ladies and gents I’m back,
I do hope you enjoyed the first act,
You see how red these curtains are?
Do you think my blood matches?
Do you think your blood matches?
The ramblings of a sip are sitting on
these lips, but it might’ve been a few,
You see I’ve nerves like a puppet
that suddenly finds it strings cut,
Now how do I act? Hell, I cannot act.

I see some of you leaving,
Were you hoping for a happy tune?
Or can you see the unhappy ending
coming your way, well leave,
if you please, just promise me,
you won’t go ahead and sell yourself
to that man that grips your hand,
and pulls you away, I know
you’re wide awake to the state
this world is threatening.

And I see your eyes look into mine,
And I thought I saw understanding there,
In a crowd of confused faces, flinches and
creased skin and open mouths, and ladies
and gents, won’t you quiet down? I’m not
quite done. Ahem. Ahem. Ladies and gents,
won’t you please calm down? I’m nearly
done now. I saw her eyes lock on mine,
And I know she knows but she still
left giggling with him and I saw his eyes
lock on mine and watch her greedily,
As he watched me watch her longingly.

And ladies and gents, last act, last scene,
This is just a move for a magazine.
Go ahead, go ahead, shake yourself around
the dancefloor, one-step, two-step,
Lower those straps and smile at the camera’s,
Smile that smile at the media,
And dance to songs you don’t know the meaning of,
And at the end of the night you crawl away,
You crawl away.

‘Cause I cannot take a world like this,
I cannot let a word like this live
for newborns and the unborn,
I reach into my pocket for my next trick,
I pull out a handkerchief with a grin,
I make it disappear so easily, the easiest
I’ve ever disappeared, how?
Nobody was even watching, nobody
was ever watching. It’s so easy
to disappear when there’s not a single face
in the crowd turned your way, sneak away.

But I couldn’t stay away from a room of fakes.
I knew a mission was thumping in my head.
I couldn’t let a room of fakes carry on.
So I carried in…

I slipped the safety slide off,
I pulled the heaviness from my pocket,
I poured my soul into the chamber,
And it was more than enough
to blow them all away,
No-one was ever really listening,
But, boy, did they run.
But boy, did they sprint and trip,
Some of them were even sick,
And I just stood with my eyes closed…


And when I opened them I reminded myself,
‘Hey this is just the rehearsal to an empty room’
And with the barrel to my temple,
‘It’s so easy to disappear in an empty room’
And with the barrel to my temple,
And my other hand resting so gently on the floor,
I rehearsed my speech of truth and I found it too hard
to say to an empty room, so how could I ever?
How could I ever sing to a crowded hall?
So with the barrel to my temple,
I scream ‘It’s so easy to disappear when no-ones
paying attention’ bang, thud, fast footsteps.

One size fits all.

30-9-09

Life is supposed to be
one size fits all,
But life doesn’t fit me at all.
My sleeves cover my hands,
And my jeans drag through the earth,
And everything I pick up sticks
and sticks to my ankles and climbs
it’s way up my legs, up my chest,
and pierces me like an arrow.

Life is supposed to be
one size fits all,
But life doesn’t fit me at all.
I’m buried, flailing under this,
I’m crawling, crying under this with tears,
Tears that turn the dirt to mud,
And the mud just sticks everything
to my chest and I can hardly breathe,
and the grains are in my throat.

With this in my hand, I can’t move on,
With this clasped in my heart, I can’t move on,
I can’t reach all those hands that aren’t reaching for me,
‘Cause I just never even bothered screaming,
So I flail alone, just trying to crawl out.
So I flail alone, just trying to let myself drown.
But the mud makes its way down my throat,
Clasps my heart with guilt and my arms push it all away,
And I just stand again…stand again…stand again…
Push it all away…stand again, like it’s just another day.

Guilt fits my hand like a glove,
For a while ‘til it forces this hand
around my neck, I’m suffocating.
Life is meant to fit all,
But it never fit me at all.

I’ve just got life fighting guilt,
And guilt fighting life,
And life and guilt – the final round is just raging
in my hand – with a kitchen knife,
in my head – those loud voices,
in my stomach – acid bubbles,
in my heart - …

24-9-09

24-9-09

Karma reached me the other night,
Remember that night you were so helpless,
And I refused to help you…
Well the world just got me back for that,
I had a night where I was so helpless,
And nobody would help me…

But I brought it all on myself.
I drag karma around with me
balancing on my shoulders
with tubes through each ear.

And every mistake I make,
And I make more than a lot
And every mistake I make
I somehow create.
I somehow create
my own perfect hell
where I can’t live, where I can’t scream,
where I’m all alone, where I’m sentenced
to literal life, while I feel lifeless.

It’s just the world getting it’s way with me,
It’s just everything that I deserve.

Lullaby

21-9-09

Humour the child
with scribbles on fridges.
How to look after
there is not a handbook.
Apparently there is evil
that can touch the purest…
There is an evil so sour
that can touch the child…

With a blackened hand
reaching out for her,
She sobs in a ring of fire.
Cries for her mother and father
to save her from the monster
who uncovers those parts
that we always keep covered up.

And claws tear at her hair
and plant bugs that infest
her mind and sing a lullaby
“Oh child, you are so loved
Oh child, you are so…
worthless, disgusting,
Oh child you are so loved
Oh child you are such a…
burden, freak.
Oh child you are so hated
Oh child you are so…
pathetic, insignificant”.

Such a mild voice
Such a disturbing message
Such a protective embrace
in all the wrong places.

And so young, did she ever
have a chance at all?
And so poisoned, did she ever
have a clue at all?
And so pure, did she ever
have such a memory?
And so innocent,
did she ever have innocence at all?

And so young,
Did she even have a chance?

21-9-09

21-9-09

Funny how I didn’t sleep a wink
but had the worst nightmare.
Funny how I didn’t sleep a wink
but lived the worst nightmare.

It’s not funny at all how
my biggest fear is myself.
It’s not funny at all how
my worst enemy is myself.

Funny how awake one can feel
after a night’s worth of not sleeping.
Funny how awake one can feel
at four thirty in the morning.

It’s not funny at all how
out of control I am.
It’s not funny at all how
terribly scared I am.

Funny how well one can act
after years and years of practice.
Funny how well one can act
in times when the most important thing
is the truth.

19-9-09

19-9-09
I have this sudden urge
just to cut you all right out.
I have this sudden urge
just to cut you all…

I’ll grab those scissors
that once sliced my wrist and
I’ll cut messily around your head,
around your shoulders, up and down
your legs and then fold you in half
rip up your image and place you
so carelessly in my waste basket.

I’ll do it just one
at a time, “don’t run” they
will always scream out until
their voices fade ‘cause throats
are worn out eventually and I’ll
force my hand into your neck
if I have to, twist and choke.

I’ll grab those scissors
that once sliced my wrist and
I’ll cut messily around my life,
around my goals, up and down
my mind and then attach myself
to a little coat hanger and let me,
let me hang.

19-9-09

19-9-09

I haven’t bothered to shower for days
It’s not like I’ve anyone to impress.
My hair feels dirty and I smell a bit funny
But most of all my minds feeling a little dim.
My eyes can’t quite make out the letters
I’m scanning, burnt edges and I need sedation
just to sleep at all and the side effects mean
I can’t stop shaking, I can’t keep my eyes open,
I can’t quench my thirst and I jump at the sound
of a scratching pen.

Just another day in a body of the dead
It’s not like I’ve anyone to impress.
My motivation ran away with time
and my will to live made it a threesome.
My eyes can’t make out the beauty
all these people keep on speaking of
I need seven tablets just to make it through
every damn day, in which I’m so damn tired.
I can’t stop thinking, I can’t stop hurting,
I can’t stop wishing that the pen in my hand had
the power of a gun.

Ink is such a joke, scratching, penning
words that don’t mean anything to anyone
but me and I’m just wishing when that rope
was around my neck, I’d taken that step.
Ink is such a joke, screaming in colours
that I want nothing but to…
Ink is such a joke, just crying out for…
Ink is such a joke, just writing variations of
“I wish I could grab a fucking rope,
Knot it around this useless fucking neck,
And take that one little fucking wussy step,
And smile wide as I fucking choke “.

19-9-09

19-9-09
This morning I took an hour
just to get dressed,
Sat on the edge of my bed
Just thinking (about you,
you know that already)
Seal my lips, dry my lips,
Seal my lips ‘til my tongue
hangs limp and forgets how to
annunciate anything at all,
Keep it all locked up inside this head,
It’s like hiding from a murderer
in your bed and screaming
before he even reaches you.
Never had a chance, did I?
But always had a hope.
Never had a chance, did I?
Don’t have a hope either.
Sitting on the edge of the bed,
With my head in my hands,
Trying not to pull out my hair,
Just thinking (about you,
you know that already)
Just thinking how I wish I
could stop thinking (about you,
you know that already).

16-9-09

16-9-09
I’d write you a poem every day
from now ‘til forever
if it would be mean
we could be together.

Hell, who’m I kidding?

I’d write you a poem every day
from now ‘til forever
if it’d make you smile
just a lil while.

Busride

16/9/09

A bus-ride in the morning sun,
should be pleasant and appreciated,
The sunlight leaks into my vision,
It’s so damn beautiful.
I wish I could draw it
But I can only create in my head,
I wish I could appreciate,
But I need more treatment
than a lifetime of sunshine.
“Hell won’t you cheer up already,
already? Won’t you crack a smile?”
Time flies when you’re suicidal,
Always getting to the unwanted point,
the rain rests on my eyelashes,
It’s so damn beautiful,
I wish I could hold it
close and tight to my mind,
I wish I could appreciate,
But I need more treatment
than a lifetime of beauty.
“Hell, won’t you move on already,
already? Won’t you just deal?”
Well, time’s a bird
and I’m a rock hidden in a cave,
Well, time’s flying over,
and I’m just trying to hide,
Well, time's swooping me,
And I’m cowering, cowardly.

September Poetry

Shinigami.

So I saw you with your scythe and hood,
And those evil eyes gave me that look
like ‘I am coming for you’ so simple,
Well, I know and I’m not running,
Just waiting up at night, so simple,
Why have you taken so long to visit me?
Why are you taking so long to take me?
I know you’ll cut off my tongue in the afterlife,
I’ve told so many stories, so many lies,
And I’d like to say I’m past caring – that I don’t mind,
But that would just be another lie,
I am such a good liar – that might be
why I’m terrified of unconsciousness.
I am anxious for you to come for me,
I am terrified for you to come to me,
Will we embrace in final peace?
Or will you impale me?
I guess these questions are unanswerable
until the night you take me from my bed,
my house, my town, my entire life,
So my mind will just keep trying to answer
all these questions in my sleeping hours,
In my dreams and nightmares I wonder
what is there, is there anything at all?