19-5-09 unnamed

19.5.09

Once a , always a.
That’s how the skeptical saying goes
and it’s not too far from the truth.
‘Cause cravings never go away.
It spends the night whispering in my ear,
convincing my mind of what it needs,
And in the day I can quiet the voice inside
a little but it’s still tugging at the corners
of my mind, trying to make a hole in
the web of protection it took me so long
to strengthen.

But I won’t moisten these lips with that.
I won’t poison my mind with that.
I won’t flush out everything I’ve built since then
with that.

Every mention of anything that can be semantically
linked has me licking my lips and trying to swallow
becomes almost as difficult as breathing. So I just
pretend that what I put to my lips has that secret
ingredient to drive away my pain but I know it’s
not the same. I just can’t decide if I’m relieved
or resentful. I’m certainly ashamed.

I haven’t changed that much.
I haven’t changed enough.
I’m still craving and it takes my
everything to not give in.