Insight

I hold grudges real tight,
haven’t you noticed I have trouble letting go?
and changing my ways,
my bad habits and self-destructive behavior
seem to be repellent
I don’t need a critic when I have myself
bullying my mind
I don’t need a shoulder when I have my imagination
to absorb the tears
I don’t feel crawl down my face until a certain threshold
is pushed to its limit

and I feel like I’m going to die from dehydration
with all these salty tears on my red face and
I kick and I punch and I curse myself and tell myself
to stop being so weak, to stop crying
What if someone see’s? Oh what a tragedy
for someone to have a bit of insight,
Oh god, can’t anyone have some insight?
I don’t know how much longer I can keep going
like this, I feel I’m fading as an explosive crawls
up my throat – I want to scream, I need to scream
but I won’t let anyone see me like that.

I hold everything inside tight,
haven’t you noticed how quiet I am?
I will never change
this self deprecating, self punishing behavior,
I don’t know how
to be different or the same as everyone else -
so alive, so fulfilled,
I need, I need, someone to have some insight,
but I put up my shield,
I need someone to have some insight,
Oh god, won’t someone see through me?