Jesus The Magician

29.1.11
Don’t you know Jesus son of God,
was so very mentally ill -
co-dependent and into self harm
at the very least,
“I will forgive all your sins
if you put nails through my wrist’

You see the kids are not all sick,
They are just following suit
of their savior– it’s called
Stigmata but really it’s
Jesus Christ possessing all these teens,

Well now where do we draw the line
between Jesus and the Devil,
I know it’s a matter of opinion,
But let’s magnify all the facts,

Jesus encouraged egomania,
Jesus encouraged the rescuer syndrome,
Jesus encouraged self-harm
And Jesus encouraged suicide,
Now not one of them is not a sin,
So just how sick was Jesus?

He could have just been a man
as so many crazy men are genius’s,
But why did God choose to raise him,
Or was Jesus a magician too?

And what do I need to do
to be guaranteed a second chance,
I swear I too will forgive every single sin,
If it means I can learn death before I die,
I would forgive every single sin,
If I too could be raised from the Dead.

Dragonfly

31/1/11
Darting eyes follow a dragonfly,
Paws up and down and again
pacing aside the water, watching
ever so patient, waiting
for the opportunity that will never come,
Is the insect clever or just lucky?
He balances on air ripples smartly,
Lazily yet quickly gliding through the air
as low as the ground one second,
Next as high as the tree’s,
Darting eyes follow a dragonfly,
Tail to the left, to the right again,
mouth opens softly with impatience
growing, paws up and down but no luck,
Is the insect thinking or just instinctual?
He swerves in the shape of a z,
Slowing down as he finds a nice breeze
that lets his tiny wings gain a rest,
Still they move faster than
the darting eyes,
With no words a game is played
over and over and over again,
The joys of nature.

13/1/11
Do you feel you shoulder all the blame,
Do you feel even an inch of my pain,
Do you live like me - every day the same,
I go over the memories again and again,
And it makes me hate myself,

I am so dirty, I cannot get clean,
I am so desperate that
I even tried using gasoline
to burn away all of my scars
but all it did was burn away
any hope I dared to have last.

I have been told ‘kid, grit, get over this,
You’re holding too tight onto the past,
Why the hell can’t you move on,
I swear it is not as hard
as you are making out, have a shower,
Wake up, get on with the day’

And I inserted the tape again,
And I press rewind, play, rewind play,
I scrutinize your face to place some blame,
I live every day the same over again and again.

I am so dirty, I cannot get clean,
I am so desperate that
I even tried using gasoline
to burn away all of my scars
but all it did was burn away
Any hope I dared to have last.

My lungs feel like they’re full of water
Rather than air, yeah, I’m drowning,
while you’re yelling ‘grit your teeth, kid’,
Well all that does is trap the water in,
And make me drown a little bit faster, oh
I can hardly breathe.

I am so dirty, water is so weak,
I am so desperate that
I even tried to burn my heart
clean with a can of gasoline,
But all it did was burn away
my entire identity, my face.

January

13/1/11
I didn’t set the fucking fire
but that doesn’t mean I can walk away
without feeling guilt or shame,
You just don’t walk past a choking baby,
It’s not just the perpetrator that feels the blame.

And you walk around setting fires,
And you walk around picking
At your shoulder,
And we all know you only laugh so hard
to cover up the fact that you want to cry.

The world is so full of, I didn’t
start it so I won’t bother to try to end it
and how will the world make it through this,
You just don’t walk past a burning building,
Trust me, it’s not just the sunny skies you’ll miss.

And you walk around setting fires,
And you walk around picking
At your shoulder,
And we all know you only laugh so hard
to cover up the fact that you want to cry.

I’ve never walked past a burning tree,
Maybe if I had I wouldn’t have so much empathy,
Maybe I’m in the wrong and the healthy
are the ones who can walk past the bum on the street
without feeling a twinge of sympathy.

And you walk around setting fires,
And you walk around picking
At your shoulder,
And we all know you only laugh so hard
to cover up the fact that you want to cry.
Yeah ‘cause you want to cry,
‘Cause you’d love to be the hero,
But you know you’re evil inside,
through and through,
Yeah ‘cause you’ve never cried.

A different kind of footprints

My body is so full of footprints -
like wet cement, I’m drawn in,
Graffiti your name, take a hold ‘cause
This is history in the making,
I’ll keep you dried inside me forever and never say,

Long after you skip town,
Long after we never really met,
Long after the G word…you will remain,
Good riddance is so easy to say,
(It’s the goodbye that’s hard)
But darling, it’s more than time,
This has been so long in the making,
(Why does it feel it’s come on so fast)

So now I’m sick of being a footpath -
I am a human, I’m not fucking concrete,
So take it back, and take this in ‘cause
This is history in the making,
Who knew you could hate someone you loved so dearly?

Long after you told another lie,
Long after I never really knew you,
Long after the G word…you will remain

Good riddance is so easy to say,
(It’s the goodbye that’s hard)
But darling, it’s more than time,
This has been so long in the making,
(Why does it feel it’s come on so fast)

So I’m not a mode of transport,
I won’t get you from point A to Z,
I’ll try to get you from not guilty to -
well no, you’ll never feel guilt,
(now that would be history worth reading)
‘Cause in the end you are nothing like me after all,

Long after I screamed,
Long after I said ‘enough!’,
Long after the G word was never uttered,

Well my chest is not for your foot,
So I say, so I say, with so much difficulty,
so I walk away, so I walk away,
If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth doing,

Good riddance and goodbye.

Don't Forget Which Side Of The Doctors Desk You Sit On

9/12/10
‘Don’t forget which side of the doctors
desk you sit on’,
I’m not saying doctors know best
but you don’t have a degree
so you can’t have an opinion,

Common sense got pushed out the window
and they made it look like a suicide
when we all know it was murder,
Shove the doctors channel into your ear,
Full blast, block all else out, and hear the message,
Well you’re a kid who feels a little sad,
And you’re not sleeping real well,
You use whiskey to get some z’s,
Well, oh how unique,
Here’s a prescription with a pill
and water, in brackets whiskey.

‘Don’t forget which side of the doctors
desk you sit on’
What I’m saying is doctors know shit
and I mightn’t have a degree
but I do have vocal chords,

Sometimes doctors get stuck in a routine
and they work like machinery
writing the same script thirty times,
With no thoughts to the differences
like age, diet, alcohol intake, or your past,

Well you’re a kid who feels a little down,
And you’re not dreaming real well,
You use whiskey to get some z’s,
Well, oh how unique,
Here’s a prescription with a pill
and water, in brackets whiskey.

And the number one rule
they teach now at doctors school
is ‘patient’s are all the same,
you scribble a prescription that ensures monthly check ups,
It’s all about the money - we’ll get to health later,
First comes the green- it’s what it’s all about,
Drop out now if all you want is to save lives’

‘Don’t forget which side of the doctors
desk you sit on’ I’m saying doctors
are so helpless to the hopeless patient,
And the medical profession is a worry
‘cause depression is progressing,
And the helpless have no hope
so how can they be expected to help the hopeless?

Fighting, screaming,
Hands trying to hold back the tide
and then drag it back out,
I thought I could swim alright
but the rules are different
in the darkest hour of the night,
In the deepest part of the ocean,
I’m unseen.

In my dreams I,
Am so desperately trying to jump
through the lines of time,
I thought I could erase this
but what’s done is done
and I’ve no power to change it,
The tidal wave screams through me,
I’m unliving.

Denial is not a river in Egypt
but I do have mommy issues,
She couldn’t protect me
But neither could daddy,
‘Cause every secret I hid
was buried deep inside a pyramid.

You can’t run from a tidal wave
Just like you can’t blow away a hurricane
But I’ve been drowning fires
in gasoline for years and years.
Denial’s addiction is the brain,
It’s like using a paper umbrella
to protect yourself from the rain.

And this pyramid heart
is slowly being dismantled stone by stone,
I’ve such a long way to go,
But at least I am letting the armor
that has been dragging down my lips and my shoulder
slowly fall, I’m sharing the weight ‘cause
Unintentionally I’m inevitably growing older.

I may not be able to control the weather
But I can make the decision to let my defenses down,
I may not be able to control the balance in my mind
But I can make the decision to never back down,

And I can wake up in the morning with the intention
to just make it through another day holding my head
up above the water.