16-11-09
Oh, “how time flies” and I search
for the window in desperation,
Where did it all go, I wonder as I
rush around the room, banging all the walls
trying to find the window I know
got covered up for my own good.
The window, the weapon,
The paper, my plan in the lines
of a little diagram of a clock
with little angel wings jumping out
the open window, with me on the ledge
and without my wings, I…
Oh, “how time heals wounds” in
my case it doesn’t at all, it used
to at least cover up the physical
scars but now they’ve been etched too deep
trying to find that biological clock to
tell me when all of this ends.
The window, the weapon,
The paper, my plan in the lines
of a little diagram of a clock
with little angel wings jumping out
the open window, with me on the ledge
and without my wings, I…
I, telling myself not to look down,
Place my toes just over the edge,
And hold the frame to keep myself still,
But I’m still swaying in the wind and
anticipation. I cast my face towards
the stars. I cast one last look around
the room I destroyed just trying to find…
The window, the weapon,
The paper, my plan in the lines
of a little diagram of a clock
with little angel wings jumping out
the open window, with me on the ledge
and without my wings, I…
I jump, pretending I think
I can fly.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Just friends
15-11-09
Do you remember the night I put my hands
on your hips and you brushed your finger over
my lips and then we let them meet but you
pushed me away, and whispered ‘just friends’,
And that’s the biggest punch line I ever heard.
‘Just friends’ turned into ‘with benefits’
and we spent the night between your sheets.
You kept whispering like you were convincing
yourself just as much as me ‘just friends’
And I think I pretended not to hear.
From best friends to the bedspread,
Never ever works and I should’ve known
when you whispered ‘just friends’ what I was
getting myself into, from best friends to
with benefits never ever works, and you
and me as just friends can never work again.
And in the morning, in your arms
felt like the perfect place to be but you
pushed me away ‘I have to get home’
I knew your parents were away but I let you go,
I think I hoped to convince you later.
Bu later came and you touched my hair
but you still said ‘just friends, remember?’
How could I forget that night and you murmured
‘I thought you’d be okay, you’re always saying you
want to be alone’, I thought I did.
From best friends to the bedspread,
Never ever works and I should’ve known
when you whispered ‘just friends’ what I was
getting myself into, from best friends to
with benefits never ever works, and you
and me as just friends can never work again.
So now I’ve lost my girlfriend, my best friend,
Not to mention the best sex I ever had,
So now I’ve lost my girlfriend, my best friend,
Lost her that night in the sheets when we agreed
to be ‘just friends’ but from best friends to having
to whisper ‘just friends’ is a transition that kills,
And never fails to fail.
Do you remember the night I put my hands
on your hips and you brushed your finger over
my lips and then we let them meet but you
pushed me away, and whispered ‘just friends’,
And that’s the biggest punch line I ever heard.
‘Just friends’ turned into ‘with benefits’
and we spent the night between your sheets.
You kept whispering like you were convincing
yourself just as much as me ‘just friends’
And I think I pretended not to hear.
From best friends to the bedspread,
Never ever works and I should’ve known
when you whispered ‘just friends’ what I was
getting myself into, from best friends to
with benefits never ever works, and you
and me as just friends can never work again.
And in the morning, in your arms
felt like the perfect place to be but you
pushed me away ‘I have to get home’
I knew your parents were away but I let you go,
I think I hoped to convince you later.
Bu later came and you touched my hair
but you still said ‘just friends, remember?’
How could I forget that night and you murmured
‘I thought you’d be okay, you’re always saying you
want to be alone’, I thought I did.
From best friends to the bedspread,
Never ever works and I should’ve known
when you whispered ‘just friends’ what I was
getting myself into, from best friends to
with benefits never ever works, and you
and me as just friends can never work again.
So now I’ve lost my girlfriend, my best friend,
Not to mention the best sex I ever had,
So now I’ve lost my girlfriend, my best friend,
Lost her that night in the sheets when we agreed
to be ‘just friends’ but from best friends to having
to whisper ‘just friends’ is a transition that kills,
And never fails to fail.
15-11-09
I sunk through every lie
To the core where you held me
to every word and I held you to
yours, not knowing you were spinning
a web around me the whole time.
Like a snap of the fingers,
The light went on and I could see
every little mark in this intricate
pattern you had created around me
and for a minute it was beautiful.
Every night we lied to each other
and we each thought the other
was buying every line but you were
reading my journals and I was talking
to your friends and we were getting home
just to exchange fake smiles and touches.
You’re trying to yell at me
For doing everything that you did to
me too and I’m nodding but saying
“then you’re admitting you were in the wrong too”
but you’re shaking your head.
“It’s different” you say,
But I can’t really see how – lights out,
“I touched them out of loneliness,
And you touched her with love,
I touched them ‘cause you weren’t
here even when you were next to me”,
And I cut you off, “It doesn’t matter,
she doesn’t want me anyway”
I see the tears emerge at the corners
of your blue eyes and I’m lying to myself
as well, but you already know that.
Every night we lied to each other
and we each thought the other
was buying every line but you could
smell my clothes, my breath and I heard
what you were becoming at every party,
It was impossible to escape.
And you say “It’s over”,
And I’ve begged away my breath
with strums and songs – words
are not enough this time and just
as you reach the door, you turn…
And whisper, “my eyes aren’t blue,
and the stupid thing is we both end up alone,
‘cause she doesn’t love you like you love her,
she doesn’t love you like I love you and you don’t
love me like you love her. We all end up alone.”
I sunk through every lie
To the core where you held me
to every word and I held you to
yours, not knowing you were spinning
a web around me the whole time.
Like a snap of the fingers,
The light went on and I could see
every little mark in this intricate
pattern you had created around me
and for a minute it was beautiful.
Every night we lied to each other
and we each thought the other
was buying every line but you were
reading my journals and I was talking
to your friends and we were getting home
just to exchange fake smiles and touches.
You’re trying to yell at me
For doing everything that you did to
me too and I’m nodding but saying
“then you’re admitting you were in the wrong too”
but you’re shaking your head.
“It’s different” you say,
But I can’t really see how – lights out,
“I touched them out of loneliness,
And you touched her with love,
I touched them ‘cause you weren’t
here even when you were next to me”,
And I cut you off, “It doesn’t matter,
she doesn’t want me anyway”
I see the tears emerge at the corners
of your blue eyes and I’m lying to myself
as well, but you already know that.
Every night we lied to each other
and we each thought the other
was buying every line but you could
smell my clothes, my breath and I heard
what you were becoming at every party,
It was impossible to escape.
And you say “It’s over”,
And I’ve begged away my breath
with strums and songs – words
are not enough this time and just
as you reach the door, you turn…
And whisper, “my eyes aren’t blue,
and the stupid thing is we both end up alone,
‘cause she doesn’t love you like you love her,
she doesn’t love you like I love you and you don’t
love me like you love her. We all end up alone.”
14-11-09
When I turned up at your front door,
You should have seen the look on your face,
And the colour on your neck almost matched the one
on my wrist and his head was glued to your shoulder,
And he looked at me, first in confusion and then he let
that little grin spread,, ‘cause he knew…
That you let me go, yeah you cut the rope,
The one tied to my wrists and your hips,
Disconnected the button I pushed to control that wire
that I clipped tight around your lips.
And he wore that grin on his face,
Like you wore those marks on your neck,
Like I wore the cuts on my wrists and I saw the way
his hands moved your hips close to his and it was just
like the way I used to lick my, kiss your lips, ‘til the night
you said ‘I’ll never regret this’ but in the morning…
When I pushed my way in with no plan,
You should have seen the look on your face,
The one where you start to panic and he unwrapped himself
from you and put up those fists and I looked at him while
you looked at me and he looked at you for some clue
on what you wanted him to do.
You let me go, all those promises I shook on,
you said I was the kid of your dreams , I was
til you decided to change and clip every word real tight
around my heart.
And now he wears that grin on his face,
Like you wear those marks on your neck,
Like I wear the cuts on my wrists and I saw the way
his hands moved your hips close to his and it was just
like the way I used to lick my, kiss your lips, ‘til the night
you said ‘I’ll never regret this’ but in the morning…
You whispered, after one night,
“I thought it was true, but now I regret every move,
I thought I was true, it’s not me, it’s you,
I thought we’d last but you’re so past,
I thought we were lust but you wanted love,
I thought we were true but now I regret every move,
It’s not me, it’s you, it’s not me, it’s you.”
And you screamed it again in my face,
“It’s over, you wanted more than I wanted,
And now I’ve got this beautiful boy and he’s so good in bed,
And we’re lust, not love, we’re lust, not…”
He looks at her and she looks back and realizes her mistake,
He takes one step back towards the door, and he realizes
his mistake and she realizes she’s done it again, and he
says, “This is what you do. Make us fall in love with you,
and throw us passionately to the sheets and whisper
secrets and no regrets, then you say it’s lust, not love,
and they always scream back ‘it’s love, not lust’, now I know
what you are.”
When I turned up at your front door,
You should have seen the look on your face,
And the colour on your neck almost matched the one
on my wrist and his head was glued to your shoulder,
And he looked at me, first in confusion and then he let
that little grin spread,, ‘cause he knew…
That you let me go, yeah you cut the rope,
The one tied to my wrists and your hips,
Disconnected the button I pushed to control that wire
that I clipped tight around your lips.
And he wore that grin on his face,
Like you wore those marks on your neck,
Like I wore the cuts on my wrists and I saw the way
his hands moved your hips close to his and it was just
like the way I used to lick my, kiss your lips, ‘til the night
you said ‘I’ll never regret this’ but in the morning…
When I pushed my way in with no plan,
You should have seen the look on your face,
The one where you start to panic and he unwrapped himself
from you and put up those fists and I looked at him while
you looked at me and he looked at you for some clue
on what you wanted him to do.
You let me go, all those promises I shook on,
you said I was the kid of your dreams , I was
til you decided to change and clip every word real tight
around my heart.
And now he wears that grin on his face,
Like you wear those marks on your neck,
Like I wear the cuts on my wrists and I saw the way
his hands moved your hips close to his and it was just
like the way I used to lick my, kiss your lips, ‘til the night
you said ‘I’ll never regret this’ but in the morning…
You whispered, after one night,
“I thought it was true, but now I regret every move,
I thought I was true, it’s not me, it’s you,
I thought we’d last but you’re so past,
I thought we were lust but you wanted love,
I thought we were true but now I regret every move,
It’s not me, it’s you, it’s not me, it’s you.”
And you screamed it again in my face,
“It’s over, you wanted more than I wanted,
And now I’ve got this beautiful boy and he’s so good in bed,
And we’re lust, not love, we’re lust, not…”
He looks at her and she looks back and realizes her mistake,
He takes one step back towards the door, and he realizes
his mistake and she realizes she’s done it again, and he
says, “This is what you do. Make us fall in love with you,
and throw us passionately to the sheets and whisper
secrets and no regrets, then you say it’s lust, not love,
and they always scream back ‘it’s love, not lust’, now I know
what you are.”
10-11-09
Is there anything left to say,
When I feel this bad every single day,
And all I think about is my last breath
And all I dream about is sinking into
these bed sheets that I seem to never leave.
Any comfort has long waved goodbye
With a razorblade in hand and scratching
cutting with every swing of the hand,
Goodbye, goodbye.
When there’s nothing left to annunciate,
And all I’m doing is to procrastinate,
My own stupid and sure death
And all I think of is sinking into
these bed sheets that I seem to never leave.
Any comfort has long waved farewell
With a toast “I’d wish you well but we both
know that would just split your sides,
Catch you, catch you”.
When every comfort leaves,
Where do you turn to?
When every rational disappears on you,
Where do you turn to?
When each and every reason to live
seems to be shrinking,
What do you do?
Is there anything left to say,
When I feel this bad every single day,
And all I think about is my last breath
And all I dream about is sinking into
these bed sheets that I seem to never leave.
Any comfort has long waved goodbye
With a razorblade in hand and scratching
cutting with every swing of the hand,
Goodbye, goodbye.
When there’s nothing left to annunciate,
And all I’m doing is to procrastinate,
My own stupid and sure death
And all I think of is sinking into
these bed sheets that I seem to never leave.
Any comfort has long waved farewell
With a toast “I’d wish you well but we both
know that would just split your sides,
Catch you, catch you”.
When every comfort leaves,
Where do you turn to?
When every rational disappears on you,
Where do you turn to?
When each and every reason to live
seems to be shrinking,
What do you do?
10-11-09
I watch the numbers move on the clock,
Watch the second hand move slowly,
Tick, tick tock. And I try to communicate
with my insides – like “stop feeling so
sorry for yourself”, like “snap out of it,
won’t you?” but it’s not really working at all.
I procrastinate by just staring at the clock,
Seems time’s moving way too slowly,
Tick…tick…tock. And I can’t communicate
with anything external, like I’d like to,
like, “I feel so empty”, like “I can’t even
move” I lie still in my bed, just thinking to myself.
My muscles feel like deadweights and I can’t
really even move at all, each breath feels like
an enormous effort, and my eyes seem to glaze over,
‘Cause I’m always getting ‘what are you looking at?’
and I can never quite answer, for sure.
I spend my life hating everything about the world,
Mostly I direct it all at myself,
I hate what I am, I hate who I am, I hate what I do,
I hate everything about my stupid, stupid self.
I hate everything about the world, mostly
the fact that I’m still in it, mostly the fact
that I’m a member of this society, I’m not
worth a thing, not worth a thing to anyone.
I watch the numbers move on the clock,
Watch the second hand move slowly,
Tick, tick tock. And I try to communicate
with my insides – like “stop feeling so
sorry for yourself”, like “snap out of it,
won’t you?” but it’s not really working at all.
I procrastinate by just staring at the clock,
Seems time’s moving way too slowly,
Tick…tick…tock. And I can’t communicate
with anything external, like I’d like to,
like, “I feel so empty”, like “I can’t even
move” I lie still in my bed, just thinking to myself.
My muscles feel like deadweights and I can’t
really even move at all, each breath feels like
an enormous effort, and my eyes seem to glaze over,
‘Cause I’m always getting ‘what are you looking at?’
and I can never quite answer, for sure.
I spend my life hating everything about the world,
Mostly I direct it all at myself,
I hate what I am, I hate who I am, I hate what I do,
I hate everything about my stupid, stupid self.
I hate everything about the world, mostly
the fact that I’m still in it, mostly the fact
that I’m a member of this society, I’m not
worth a thing, not worth a thing to anyone.
6-11-09
I’ve been working on these gallows
for quite a while, dug deep and perfected
the noose, tested my weight, made sure
feet couldn’t find ground when up there,
And now there’s only one thing missing,
And that’s my neck in the noose.
And why on earth is it missing? It’s the
key part – the perfect image will be created
when I stand upon the box, put my neck
through the noose, and pull that rope,
And my feet wave goodbye, suspended in the
air, wave goodbye, and my hands pinned at my sides,
And my eyes bulging as I run out of oxygen,
And I close them just to keep them in their sockets,
Plus there’s nothing worthwhile looking at anyway,
I grit my teeth as my throat screams for air,
My feet have said their final farewell, now quiet
and reserved and accepting of their fate,
And my oxygen is all ran out and my head starts to hurt
I couldn’t open my eyes even if I tried,
And my arms have the occasional jerk but they are
out of my control and then just like that…
I’m gone.
And hours later and nobody’s found me,
My legs are going blue and they’re getting slippery,
‘Cause they’re kind of turning to liquid – sorry
for the disgusting image, but they look a little
like off bananas only with oozing liquid.
I thought the noose around my neck would kill me,
But it only killed my body and now my soul is trapped
in it, and I’m watching my legs turn to liquid,
And the lack of circulation has made this body limp,
And my tongue is trapped between my teeth,
I couldn’t scream if I tried – this body is out of my
control but I can still feel the pain – I just can’t
communicate, maybe this is my punishment
for committing yet another sin, my throat
is constricted, my feet have long gone
and the disease is spreading all the way up to my waist,
And by the time they find me, my legs are a gooey puddle
and my arms are threatening to join them, my fingers – the only
part of my body I ever liked are each dripping away,
And they cut me down with disgust on their faces,
They look around for a note “there’s got to be one,
You don’t do this and just leave everyone to deal without
a word at all”, well I did, well I didn’t leave a note,
There was nothing left to say, if they didn’t understand
me in life then they wouldn’t understand me in my own
self-inflicted death so I didn’t leave a word other
than every word that I wrote about how I was feeling
But you probably shouldn’t read them either – they’ll
only sadden and confuse you even more than this,
Yes, I knew this would sadden everyone who cared
but my life was saddening them too, not to mention me,
So at least this way, one of us is happy, or so I thought
before I realized I’d be spending eternity in this body.
And so undignified, I feel so undignified,
I thought I’d been through this indignity for the last time,
But here I am powerless again and being undressed,
And there’s not a thing I can do in this body,
I scream to myself, it’s just like living in the past,
And how I hate this and hate the way the workers
do their work and they chat and laugh as they cut apart
my body, looking for little secrets etched in bones
and cut in organs and thrown down my throat,
But it’s all a little hard to decipher in there, the lack
of oxygen proved as a handy tool for hiding secrets,
I’ll keep that in mind if I ever get a shot at another life.
They cut right from my collarbone to my belly button,
Pull apart my ribs with a deafening creek,
Examine me, examine me, they talk about how
my family wants me cremated, and I don’t know if I mind,
Being buried alive sounds horrible but being burnt alive
doesn’t sound a whole lot better.
I am stuck in an oven now,
I am so not ready for this now,
I don’t have any choice now,
The spark ignites and I I try to hold my breath
before I remember that I have none,
And I try to grit my teeth and clench my fists
Before I remember they’re not mine anymore,
And now the flames lick at what’s left of me,
They made it up what was left of my legs real quick,
And my hair caught fire first burning away at my scalp,
Like a really bad sunburn that progresses so so so quickly,
And I just lie here to burn, burn into ashes.
And as ashes, my arms and legs all separated,
my soul isn’t too sure which to settle in,
But of course I know –it’s my heart that I
find and settle in, and listen to them discuss
where they’d like to scatter me.
And as they throw me into the beautiful ocean,
I feel the pain of my legs and arms being separated
throw into the sky and ripped apart,
My entire body is ripped apart and slowly drowned,
And my heart floats a minute but quickly sinks down,
And it drowns in the ocean, takes cover in the sand,
And it may be dead but my soul is still using it as a
vessel, a vessel trapped at the bottom of the ocean,
I keep forgetting that I can’t breathe, I keep forgetting
my fingers are at least a few feet away, the waves carry
all my organs and limbs miles and miles away,
And I’m left to suffocate but never ever truly leave
this place.
I’ve been working on these gallows
for quite a while, dug deep and perfected
the noose, tested my weight, made sure
feet couldn’t find ground when up there,
And now there’s only one thing missing,
And that’s my neck in the noose.
And why on earth is it missing? It’s the
key part – the perfect image will be created
when I stand upon the box, put my neck
through the noose, and pull that rope,
And my feet wave goodbye, suspended in the
air, wave goodbye, and my hands pinned at my sides,
And my eyes bulging as I run out of oxygen,
And I close them just to keep them in their sockets,
Plus there’s nothing worthwhile looking at anyway,
I grit my teeth as my throat screams for air,
My feet have said their final farewell, now quiet
and reserved and accepting of their fate,
And my oxygen is all ran out and my head starts to hurt
I couldn’t open my eyes even if I tried,
And my arms have the occasional jerk but they are
out of my control and then just like that…
I’m gone.
And hours later and nobody’s found me,
My legs are going blue and they’re getting slippery,
‘Cause they’re kind of turning to liquid – sorry
for the disgusting image, but they look a little
like off bananas only with oozing liquid.
I thought the noose around my neck would kill me,
But it only killed my body and now my soul is trapped
in it, and I’m watching my legs turn to liquid,
And the lack of circulation has made this body limp,
And my tongue is trapped between my teeth,
I couldn’t scream if I tried – this body is out of my
control but I can still feel the pain – I just can’t
communicate, maybe this is my punishment
for committing yet another sin, my throat
is constricted, my feet have long gone
and the disease is spreading all the way up to my waist,
And by the time they find me, my legs are a gooey puddle
and my arms are threatening to join them, my fingers – the only
part of my body I ever liked are each dripping away,
And they cut me down with disgust on their faces,
They look around for a note “there’s got to be one,
You don’t do this and just leave everyone to deal without
a word at all”, well I did, well I didn’t leave a note,
There was nothing left to say, if they didn’t understand
me in life then they wouldn’t understand me in my own
self-inflicted death so I didn’t leave a word other
than every word that I wrote about how I was feeling
But you probably shouldn’t read them either – they’ll
only sadden and confuse you even more than this,
Yes, I knew this would sadden everyone who cared
but my life was saddening them too, not to mention me,
So at least this way, one of us is happy, or so I thought
before I realized I’d be spending eternity in this body.
And so undignified, I feel so undignified,
I thought I’d been through this indignity for the last time,
But here I am powerless again and being undressed,
And there’s not a thing I can do in this body,
I scream to myself, it’s just like living in the past,
And how I hate this and hate the way the workers
do their work and they chat and laugh as they cut apart
my body, looking for little secrets etched in bones
and cut in organs and thrown down my throat,
But it’s all a little hard to decipher in there, the lack
of oxygen proved as a handy tool for hiding secrets,
I’ll keep that in mind if I ever get a shot at another life.
They cut right from my collarbone to my belly button,
Pull apart my ribs with a deafening creek,
Examine me, examine me, they talk about how
my family wants me cremated, and I don’t know if I mind,
Being buried alive sounds horrible but being burnt alive
doesn’t sound a whole lot better.
I am stuck in an oven now,
I am so not ready for this now,
I don’t have any choice now,
The spark ignites and I I try to hold my breath
before I remember that I have none,
And I try to grit my teeth and clench my fists
Before I remember they’re not mine anymore,
And now the flames lick at what’s left of me,
They made it up what was left of my legs real quick,
And my hair caught fire first burning away at my scalp,
Like a really bad sunburn that progresses so so so quickly,
And I just lie here to burn, burn into ashes.
And as ashes, my arms and legs all separated,
my soul isn’t too sure which to settle in,
But of course I know –it’s my heart that I
find and settle in, and listen to them discuss
where they’d like to scatter me.
And as they throw me into the beautiful ocean,
I feel the pain of my legs and arms being separated
throw into the sky and ripped apart,
My entire body is ripped apart and slowly drowned,
And my heart floats a minute but quickly sinks down,
And it drowns in the ocean, takes cover in the sand,
And it may be dead but my soul is still using it as a
vessel, a vessel trapped at the bottom of the ocean,
I keep forgetting that I can’t breathe, I keep forgetting
my fingers are at least a few feet away, the waves carry
all my organs and limbs miles and miles away,
And I’m left to suffocate but never ever truly leave
this place.
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