27-1-10
Don’t give me an ultimatum
‘cause this is an addiction
and you’re never going to win -
without a bottle in your hand
you’re not even making it through the door,
Can’t you hear me slur ‘more, more’,
Can’t you see it in my eyes
or hear it in my lack of words,
and this is such a vicious cycle.
You see, the bottle gives me courage,
and the anxiety cancels it all out,
so for the courage to speak I need it,
and then of course if I wish to speak honestly,
I need a little more,
and just to answer the door…
and just to get out the door…
and just to contemplate sociability…
and just to pretend I’m okay…
and, well, you might be beginning to get the point
by now, so come in with a bottle
or stay on the other side of the door,
and don’t give me ultimatums you think you’ll win,
‘cause this is an addiction,
and you’re just the person I love,
and as crazy as it seems love is less powerful
than addiction,
and you’re on the losing side.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
9/12/10
She tries to sleep but the darkness
wakes her up same time every night,
For it’s the pitch black that activates
the worm hole that doesn’t offer
a trip but sucks her right in,
And I’m four years old again
but only in regards to my body,
And I’m twenty years old
in my head and I’m hating,
Fists are clenched and I,
She tries to move her horrid past
like telekinesis out of her mind,
For it’s the memories that cut
her skin in the form of a knife
trying to bleed it’s ways out,
Back to the worm hole
she feels so weak,
In the body of a four year old
the world looks bleak,
It’s only when she cries
that he starts to stop,
That memory for the hundredth
time is the only thing she needed
to confirm the fact that he is a monster,
Nowhere near human,
And neither was she,
How could she be?
They say time travel is not possible,
So how am I living in the past?
They say time travel is not possible,
So why is it so hard to live in the moment?
And the worm hole above her bed
stays in place as she relives her past,
And before she herself comes back through
her guts do, that squirming feeling
travels from her head to her stomach
and nausea with the force to pick her
up off her feet and through time,
She shoves another pill down
just like she tries to squash the past,
For it’s the memories that swallow
a dozen pills in the form of her
very on throat, her enemy,
And every night she is thrown
without a choice through time,
And I’m four years old again,
And it so badly hurts my head,
to be so victimized night after night,
And with all the smarts in my mind
I can’t seem to get rid of the pain,
And all I can attempt to do is to rewrite
the past and my fists clenched,
I punch him square in the jaw,
with the hand of a child
but the heart of a disaster,
with such young knuckles
but such old pain,
And so every night I will not be the only suffering,
And I hope he time travels too.
She tries to sleep but the darkness
wakes her up same time every night,
For it’s the pitch black that activates
the worm hole that doesn’t offer
a trip but sucks her right in,
And I’m four years old again
but only in regards to my body,
And I’m twenty years old
in my head and I’m hating,
Fists are clenched and I,
She tries to move her horrid past
like telekinesis out of her mind,
For it’s the memories that cut
her skin in the form of a knife
trying to bleed it’s ways out,
Back to the worm hole
she feels so weak,
In the body of a four year old
the world looks bleak,
It’s only when she cries
that he starts to stop,
That memory for the hundredth
time is the only thing she needed
to confirm the fact that he is a monster,
Nowhere near human,
And neither was she,
How could she be?
They say time travel is not possible,
So how am I living in the past?
They say time travel is not possible,
So why is it so hard to live in the moment?
And the worm hole above her bed
stays in place as she relives her past,
And before she herself comes back through
her guts do, that squirming feeling
travels from her head to her stomach
and nausea with the force to pick her
up off her feet and through time,
She shoves another pill down
just like she tries to squash the past,
For it’s the memories that swallow
a dozen pills in the form of her
very on throat, her enemy,
And every night she is thrown
without a choice through time,
And I’m four years old again,
And it so badly hurts my head,
to be so victimized night after night,
And with all the smarts in my mind
I can’t seem to get rid of the pain,
And all I can attempt to do is to rewrite
the past and my fists clenched,
I punch him square in the jaw,
with the hand of a child
but the heart of a disaster,
with such young knuckles
but such old pain,
And so every night I will not be the only suffering,
And I hope he time travels too.
9/12/10
She tries to sleep but the darkness
wakes her up same time every night,
For it’s the pitch black that activates
the worm hole that doesn’t offer
a trip but sucks her right in,
And I’m four years old again
but only in regards to my body,
And I’m twenty years old
in my head and I’m hating,
Fists are clenched and I,
She tries to move her horrid past
like telekinesis out of her mind,
For it’s the memories that cut
her skin in the form of a knife
trying to bleed it’s ways out,
Back to the worm hole
she feels so weak,
In the body of a four year old
the world looks bleak,
It’s only when she cries
that he starts to stop,
That memory for the hundredth
time is the only thing she needed
to confirm the fact that he is a monster,
Nowhere near human,
And neither was she,
How could she be?
They say time travel is not possible,
So how am I living in the past?
They say time travel is not possible,
So why is it so hard to live in the moment?
And the worm hole above her bed
stays in place as she relives her past,
And before she herself comes back through
her guts do, that squirming feeling
travels from her head to her stomach
and nausea with the force to pick her
up off her feet and through time,
She shoves another pill down
just like she tries to squash the past,
For it’s the memories that swallow
a dozen pills in the form of her
very on throat, her enemy,
And every night she is thrown
without a choice through time,
And I’m four years old again,
And it so badly hurts my head,
to be so victimized night after night,
And with all the smarts in my mind
I can’t seem to get rid of the pain,
And all I can attempt to do is to rewrite
the past and my fists clenched,
I punch him square in the jaw,
with the hand of a child
but the heart of a disaster,
with such young knuckles
but such old pain,
And so every night I will not be the only suffering,
And I hope he time travels too.
She tries to sleep but the darkness
wakes her up same time every night,
For it’s the pitch black that activates
the worm hole that doesn’t offer
a trip but sucks her right in,
And I’m four years old again
but only in regards to my body,
And I’m twenty years old
in my head and I’m hating,
Fists are clenched and I,
She tries to move her horrid past
like telekinesis out of her mind,
For it’s the memories that cut
her skin in the form of a knife
trying to bleed it’s ways out,
Back to the worm hole
she feels so weak,
In the body of a four year old
the world looks bleak,
It’s only when she cries
that he starts to stop,
That memory for the hundredth
time is the only thing she needed
to confirm the fact that he is a monster,
Nowhere near human,
And neither was she,
How could she be?
They say time travel is not possible,
So how am I living in the past?
They say time travel is not possible,
So why is it so hard to live in the moment?
And the worm hole above her bed
stays in place as she relives her past,
And before she herself comes back through
her guts do, that squirming feeling
travels from her head to her stomach
and nausea with the force to pick her
up off her feet and through time,
She shoves another pill down
just like she tries to squash the past,
For it’s the memories that swallow
a dozen pills in the form of her
very on throat, her enemy,
And every night she is thrown
without a choice through time,
And I’m four years old again,
And it so badly hurts my head,
to be so victimized night after night,
And with all the smarts in my mind
I can’t seem to get rid of the pain,
And all I can attempt to do is to rewrite
the past and my fists clenched,
I punch him square in the jaw,
with the hand of a child
but the heart of a disaster,
with such young knuckles
but such old pain,
And so every night I will not be the only suffering,
And I hope he time travels too.
19/7/11
I used to get so uncomfortable hearing my own footsteps,
Thinking I was on the path to – I wasn’t on a path at all,
I used to stare at the clock and flinch at the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, when my mind finally feels fine,
I used to walk around with the world on my shoulders,
Taking blame for the things I had no hand in at all,
I used to fear the clock and cry about the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right, I feel better than fine,
And I don’t care if it’s just another high
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
And I don’t care if this moment has a limit,
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
I used to crawl around on the floor just searching
for my entrance to Hell, I knew where I was headed,
Then one day I decided to stand and scale the walls
for the light, I’d spend days just searching
and sometimes I’d lay down and stare at the surrounding dark,
But I always got back up and I finally found the dimmer,
It’s still far from perfect but I finally feel worth it,
I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, where I feel better than fine,
I live for the times the light shines,
I push through the dark because I know it always ends,
And right now, right here, I’m better than fine.
I used to get so uncomfortable hearing my own footsteps,
Thinking I was on the path to – I wasn’t on a path at all,
I used to stare at the clock and flinch at the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, when my mind finally feels fine,
I used to walk around with the world on my shoulders,
Taking blame for the things I had no hand in at all,
I used to fear the clock and cry about the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right, I feel better than fine,
And I don’t care if it’s just another high
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
And I don’t care if this moment has a limit,
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
I used to crawl around on the floor just searching
for my entrance to Hell, I knew where I was headed,
Then one day I decided to stand and scale the walls
for the light, I’d spend days just searching
and sometimes I’d lay down and stare at the surrounding dark,
But I always got back up and I finally found the dimmer,
It’s still far from perfect but I finally feel worth it,
I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, where I feel better than fine,
I live for the times the light shines,
I push through the dark because I know it always ends,
And right now, right here, I’m better than fine.
12/7/11
I said I wouldn’t count my chickens
but the eggs began to crack and I may
have told a lie,
Isn’t it funny how chickens can’t fly?
You took my wings away anyway
and now I’m left stranded and all I
seem to do is cry,
Isn’t it ironic how chickens can’t fly?
So I’m trapped in the wire fences
just standing in the line,
Waiting to be plucked out
and chosen to die,
Because chickens can’t fly.
I said I wouldn’t count my chickens
but the eggs began to crack and I may
have told a lie,
Isn’t it funny how chickens can’t fly?
You took my wings away anyway
and now I’m left stranded and all I
seem to do is cry,
Isn’t it ironic how chickens can’t fly?
So I’m trapped in the wire fences
just standing in the line,
Waiting to be plucked out
and chosen to die,
Because chickens can’t fly.
19/7/11
I used to get so uncomfortable hearing my own footsteps,
Thinking I was on the path to – I wasn’t on a path at all,
I used to stare at the clock and flinch at the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, when my mind finally feels fine,
I used to walk around with the world on my shoulders,
Taking blame for the things I had no hand in at all,
I used to fear the clock and cry about the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right, I feel better than fine,
And I don’t care if it’s just another high
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
And I don’t care if this moment has a limit,
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
I used to crawl around on the floor just searching
for my entrance to Hell, I knew where I was headed,
Then one day I decided to stand and scale the walls
for the light, I’d spend days just searching
and sometimes I’d lay down and stare at the surrounding dark,
But I always got back up and I finally found the dimmer,
It’s still far from perfect but I finally feel worth it,
I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, where I feel better than fine,
I live for the times the light shines,
I push through the dark because I know it always ends,
And right now, right here, I’m better than fine.
I used to get so uncomfortable hearing my own footsteps,
Thinking I was on the path to – I wasn’t on a path at all,
I used to stare at the clock and flinch at the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, when my mind finally feels fine,
I used to walk around with the world on my shoulders,
Taking blame for the things I had no hand in at all,
I used to fear the clock and cry about the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right, I feel better than fine,
And I don’t care if it’s just another high
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
And I don’t care if this moment has a limit,
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
I used to crawl around on the floor just searching
for my entrance to Hell, I knew where I was headed,
Then one day I decided to stand and scale the walls
for the light, I’d spend days just searching
and sometimes I’d lay down and stare at the surrounding dark,
But I always got back up and I finally found the dimmer,
It’s still far from perfect but I finally feel worth it,
I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, where I feel better than fine,
I live for the times the light shines,
I push through the dark because I know it always ends,
And right now, right here, I’m better than fine.
Friday, June 3, 2011
26/5/11
Do you feel the same guilt, the shame,
the pain I have to use to get through every day?
I used to wish for news that you’d jumped off a bridge
driven insane, but now today I hope you live
and just drown with the same guilt, the shame,
the pain that you put me through, how I hope
it doubles back up onto you and you
wish to simply die on the spot like I cried on the spot
for years as you,
Do you struggle to look your own eye
in the mirror, do you give in and cry at the monster
that you’ve always been, not become, always been
and you’ve got no excuse because I didn’t
grow up to be just like you, so I threw
all those theories down in the bin and god how I hope
your prayers for your sins just fail and drop
and God can abandon you the way he left me to you
for years as you,
Do you look back and wince at your actions,
see the tears that I cried that you couldn’t take as
a message to stop, let me out of this place, of this
memory, I’ve got nothing left and I’m barely
breathing as you, and again and again and it happened
for years but not just the years that it happened,
Because my head replays it all the time, awake or asleep,
It lives inside me like the monster you are,
And screw your excuses, I threw them away when I reached twenty one
and I haven’t hurt anyone the way you hurt me, so there goes
every sorrowful line about being hard done by makes you do bad things to others,
Only I have suffered at my own hand and I,
will keep it that way because I’m nothing like you,
And only I have suffered at my own hand and I,
will keep it that way because I am not like you,
And if I were I would sooner jump the bridge
than let such a monster, such a demon exist,
And only I have suffered, it’s painted on my wrist
for all to see the pain that you caused me,
to relive and relive and relive once again,
And only my own outsides, insides have suffered
at my own hands and I will keep it that way,
So face yourself in the mirror and look in your eye
and I hope that all you see is the hate
that has manifested in me for all these years,
that has been crawling through you for all those years,
You might’ve been young but I was younger
and I didn’t deserve the things that you did,
You might’ve been misunderstood but I know you knew
what you were doing, you don’t reach such an age
and not know right from wrong,
And you hid it, told me not to tell anyone,
And you hid it, and you did it for so long,
to fulfil some kind of sick, twisted urge,
And I know you knew you were wrong
when you hid it from everyone, and told me not to tell anyone,
So you can’t protest ‘but I didn’t know’,
Because you always knew, I was the one in the dark
until I grew to be your age and now I can see what you did to me
and I will turn out nothing like you so there goes every excuse.
Do you feel the same guilt, the shame,
the pain I have to use to get through every day?
I used to wish for news that you’d jumped off a bridge
driven insane, but now today I hope you live
and just drown with the same guilt, the shame,
the pain that you put me through, how I hope
it doubles back up onto you and you
wish to simply die on the spot like I cried on the spot
for years as you,
Do you struggle to look your own eye
in the mirror, do you give in and cry at the monster
that you’ve always been, not become, always been
and you’ve got no excuse because I didn’t
grow up to be just like you, so I threw
all those theories down in the bin and god how I hope
your prayers for your sins just fail and drop
and God can abandon you the way he left me to you
for years as you,
Do you look back and wince at your actions,
see the tears that I cried that you couldn’t take as
a message to stop, let me out of this place, of this
memory, I’ve got nothing left and I’m barely
breathing as you, and again and again and it happened
for years but not just the years that it happened,
Because my head replays it all the time, awake or asleep,
It lives inside me like the monster you are,
And screw your excuses, I threw them away when I reached twenty one
and I haven’t hurt anyone the way you hurt me, so there goes
every sorrowful line about being hard done by makes you do bad things to others,
Only I have suffered at my own hand and I,
will keep it that way because I’m nothing like you,
And only I have suffered at my own hand and I,
will keep it that way because I am not like you,
And if I were I would sooner jump the bridge
than let such a monster, such a demon exist,
And only I have suffered, it’s painted on my wrist
for all to see the pain that you caused me,
to relive and relive and relive once again,
And only my own outsides, insides have suffered
at my own hands and I will keep it that way,
So face yourself in the mirror and look in your eye
and I hope that all you see is the hate
that has manifested in me for all these years,
that has been crawling through you for all those years,
You might’ve been young but I was younger
and I didn’t deserve the things that you did,
You might’ve been misunderstood but I know you knew
what you were doing, you don’t reach such an age
and not know right from wrong,
And you hid it, told me not to tell anyone,
And you hid it, and you did it for so long,
to fulfil some kind of sick, twisted urge,
And I know you knew you were wrong
when you hid it from everyone, and told me not to tell anyone,
So you can’t protest ‘but I didn’t know’,
Because you always knew, I was the one in the dark
until I grew to be your age and now I can see what you did to me
and I will turn out nothing like you so there goes every excuse.
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