6-9-09

6/9/09
They take you in for an operation.
Your head feels funny, your eyes go blurry.
You don’t know what happens next
at least not until you wake up.

They stick a string into your belly,
To pull you along the footpath,
They stick wires in your gums,
To force you to pretend to smile,
They stick clips in your eyelids,
To keep you wide awake…
until they press the button at their will
to stop the life running through your veins.

I’m your future – with a swollen stomach,
With bleeding gums and hanging retinas,
I swear, don’t have the operation
that forces you into not just pretending,
But into pretending to pretend.

4-9-09

4-9-09
You’ve got a demon up inside your head,
Making you feel this way – it’s so exhausting
just to breathe – it’s hard to live with
the spirit of death in your heart.
I’d read the entire bible in a night
if I thought I could exorcise the evil
from the way you live.
I’m not sure how to rid this evil,
Because it’s wedged inside my heart
too, I promise if I ever figure this out
I’ll do whatever it takes – to
let you live your life.

25-8-09

25/8/09
Passion fleeting, as my heart
is cut out and up like the slaughter
of just another cow a radio sound
in the background, that’s the twelfth
one for today, as he whistles a tune.

Artistic capability fading
from these two bloodied hands,
I’m down to stick-figure men,
with their thin little bodies and their
pathetic little hands pointing to their
non-existent chests and a red crayon
is my only tool, scribbled like a child’s
drawing that would find the fridge.

I think about the language
in order to just pass the time
in order to think about anything else
but the blood my heart is bleeding
I can’t spell laughter without slaughter,
there’s a selfish aspect to every act,
you can’t spell slaughter without laughter,
there’s a guilty pleasure in immoral acts.

It always leads back to a bare paddock,
All that grass and no-one to chew it,
It always leads back to the brain,
All that potential and no will to utilize,
It always leads back to the heart,
All that soul and no way to start it,
It always leads back to this fight,
All that challenge and no will to beat it.

-

We’re all supposed to be born the same,
Same chances, same innocence,
Childhood is such an oblivious time,
We’re all supposed to be raised sane,
I was oblivious to what he was doing
to my head, to my body,
But it gave me a predisposition for this.

And now I’m far from sane,
And is it really a surprise that I’m so
caught up in the past
if I tell you when I close my eyes
I feel like being sick
at the sight that greets my heavy eyes
I try not to sleep
but I am just so tired from breathing.

It’s like my life is full of poison
that reaches every peripheral
and my conscience hangs heavier
than my eyes for the unfortunate
happenings in my life and guilt
is a funny thing – hung around my n/eck
but it ends up around my ankles.

And now I’m upside down
And nothing surprises me anymore
My ankles are not even sore,
The nightmares got flushed out by chemicals
but not from the waking hours
where I want nothing more than sleep
to rid me of these memories
this poison that I breathe in and out
and my body is toxic – and the only situation
is to put more of a chemical solution inside me,

And please, just promise me
you won’t ever lay a hand on me at all.
And please, just promise me
you will give up on me eventually.

Insight

I hold grudges real tight,
haven’t you noticed I have trouble letting go?
and changing my ways,
my bad habits and self-destructive behavior
seem to be repellent
I don’t need a critic when I have myself
bullying my mind
I don’t need a shoulder when I have my imagination
to absorb the tears
I don’t feel crawl down my face until a certain threshold
is pushed to its limit

and I feel like I’m going to die from dehydration
with all these salty tears on my red face and
I kick and I punch and I curse myself and tell myself
to stop being so weak, to stop crying
What if someone see’s? Oh what a tragedy
for someone to have a bit of insight,
Oh god, can’t anyone have some insight?
I don’t know how much longer I can keep going
like this, I feel I’m fading as an explosive crawls
up my throat – I want to scream, I need to scream
but I won’t let anyone see me like that.

I hold everything inside tight,
haven’t you noticed how quiet I am?
I will never change
this self deprecating, self punishing behavior,
I don’t know how
to be different or the same as everyone else -
so alive, so fulfilled,
I need, I need, someone to have some insight,
but I put up my shield,
I need someone to have some insight,
Oh god, won’t someone see through me?

Envy

Envy rises as a lion
roaring at a crowd but
no echo ricochets –I am
never heard,
Walk between walls
that I see red
Walking past kids
who I see dead
I barely get a glance,
I find myself questioning if I ever
even had a chance
Just ‘cause I’m not on their
conveyor belt
where their choices are made
on skin, hair, eye colour, career,
My choices are made too,
for much darker things though,
If my skin were clear,
And you could see the thoughts
filling up this head,
You would turn – run, and throw
your arms around those you love,
but I was never protected like that
but I can’t let that be an excuse
so I hold my hands over my eyes – I
squeeze my hands on my stomach,
And I swallow the lion prowling
my lungs in hunt of my throat,
I swallow the lion and it’s the most
difficult thing I’ve ever done.

7.7

7/7/0
Water running over my arms,
over my face, down my neck,
down my chest, down my stomach,
down my legs and around my feet,
Soap running over my arms,
over my face, down my neck,
down my chest, down my stomach,
down my legs, around my feet,
I don’t feel clean.
My arms are red, my face is wet,
my teeth are clenched, my hand scrubs,
my legs shake and my feet hold fast,
And I don’t feel clean.
My hand grasps, the other one stretches
the skin out like a canvas – tight,
my legs still shake as blood runs down them,
hits my feet as I grit my teeth, the pain
is such relief but I,
I still don’t feel clean.