1/8/11
I never used to believe the whole
‘a burden shared is a burden halved’
I never used to believe in talking therapy
‘just talk about it, you’ll feel better’

And so I went through life just hiding inside a thousand lies,
So tiring trying to remember who you’ve told what
and always fearing you’ll slip up and ruin everything
again.

And so I went through life with this secret hidden in my heart,
With all my veins wrapped so tight around it
that it hurt sometimes I had to just let them loosen
up a bit.

So now I’ve got all these scars that can and can’t be seen,
But I guess I got tired of the entire depressed scene,
And I guess I decided maybe all this crap was worth a try,
And so I, and it took practice for so many years, but I
taught myself how to run this tongue in truth,

I think I caught my tongue off guard and sometimes it’s still hard
to get the words from my head to my mouth,
I’m still used to lying, exaggerating and hiding,
But I, and I’m still practicing all the time, but I
taught myself how to run this tongue in truth,
And that secret wrapped inside my chest might have just slipped out
by accident, but who says all accidents are bad because I think
this was the best thing I ever did. I never knew I’d feel like this,
As cliché as it is my shoulders, my spine is holding up nothing
but my body right now, and I feel like I could probably fly
if I ran fast enough on my light feet,

And that secret wrapped inside my chest might have just forced its way
onto my tongue but I’m not angry or trying to figure out how
I’ll ever live this down, I never knew I’d feel so,
And I’m on the ninth cloud and I know eventually I’ll come down
But I’m enjoying it for now, and I feel like I am flying
all because I ran my tongue.

1/8/11
There’s been this difference in my life since I widened my squinting eyes,
I saw things I’d never seen right in front of me,
And I think they call this opportunity.

Where in boredom I used to list the things I hated
about my stupid self, well now I’m listing the things
that I don’t mind,

Well what a turnaround,
I’m not saying I don’t’ feel pain,
But I also no longer fear change.

I crawled out of the glass box I built around myself,
And I didn’t get out unscathed,
And I’ve got more scars than some,
But I don’t hide them in shame anymore,

I decided not to just live to breathe,
same old boring unfulfilling routine,
I decided to just give life a try,
Now I breathe to live,

And I will fill this head with memories unpleasant and the opposite
because that’s just life but I won’t lie down at the first sign
of a fight because I’ve been through more than some
and I know I can get through, I know I can get through everything.

14+18-3-10

A young woman, she works
on a wooden desk with a pen
spitting ink on parchment after parchment,
then her eyes show it first, widening -
she clutches her chest -
she falls to the floor, with her eyes
chasing the base of her skull.

A whisper in her ear – are you satisfied?

A mother, she holds
children exuding such life
spitting out orders to child after child,
then her eyes show it first, widening -
she clutches her chest -
she falls to the floor, with her eyes
chasing the base of her skull.

A whisper in her ear – are you yet satisfied?

Elderly now, yet still
the young run around
contrasting the differing mortalities,
then her eyes show it first, widening -
she clutches her chest -
she falls to the floor, with her eyes
chasing the base of her skull.

A whisper in her ear – now what matters?

A flash – young, old, older.
Then with a shudder, her eyes do fly open,
She contemplates and rubs her chest -
takes her pulse and worries as it quickens
and it quickens as she worries.

Such a vivid yet and plausible dream,
How am I not to believe?
I hold in my scream of terror
and utter despair.

"the secrets attempted coup"

The emotional pain nobody ever gets - in their eyes,
You are weak and overdramatic - if only...
You could speak out instead of feeling paralysed,
When someone asks a question just a little too deep,
But not quite deep enough.

All your secrets are having a convention at your heart,
Too many tickets were sold - your ribs are cracking
trying to hold such a crowd.
And they're all yelling 'we want out, we want out',
Your heart begins to shake with overwhelming fear,
There's an earthquake throughout your body,
The secrets scatter and all you can get out is silence.

The physical pain nobody ever see's - in their eyes,
You are fine and in tact - if only...
They saw the scars on your ribs from expansion,
When the crowds are pushing too hard to escape,
But not quite hard enough.

All your secrets are having a convention at your heart,
Too many tickets were sold - your ribs are cracking
trying to hold such a crowd.
And they're all yelling 'we need out, we need out'
Your heart begins to shake at the thought of an overthrow,
There's an earthquake throughout your body,
The secrets stand with a plan to scramble up your throat when you gulp in air,
But the thick air breathed in and the choking throat forces the secrets back down, silenced.
And all that you can get out is stomach acid.

18-11-09
NOSTLEN GIDNITY

Downed much more than any fish,
I wonder if they even drink water,
Don’t they simply breathe it?
But the water is not combating
the poison tonight.

I am slurring, I am falling,
I am tripping, I am speaking
so loud and I, I am smiling.

A danger but not just to myself,
But a danger to that boys heart
or his ego, part those lips
and let me spit all my dignity
in your mouth tonight.

I am laughing, I am dancing,
I am tripping, I am making
such a fool of all of you.

Like something in a sci-fi movie
I step into a machine and press go,
And I step out a different person,
Well where’d that confidence come from?
What’s that niggling, tingling, stinging
feeling? It really feels quite nice.

I am who I want to be.
And who you want me to be.
I am who I want to be.

Is it what I want or the only
thing I can control? Irony says
you’ve lost control, kid, that’s your
lesson for trying to get one back
at the universe.

27-1-10
Don’t give me an ultimatum
‘cause this is an addiction
and you’re never going to win -
without a bottle in your hand
you’re not even making it through the door,
Can’t you hear me slur ‘more, more’,
Can’t you see it in my eyes
or hear it in my lack of words,
and this is such a vicious cycle.

You see, the bottle gives me courage,
and the anxiety cancels it all out,
so for the courage to speak I need it,
and then of course if I wish to speak honestly,
I need a little more,
and just to answer the door…
and just to get out the door…
and just to contemplate sociability…
and just to pretend I’m okay…
and, well, you might be beginning to get the point
by now, so come in with a bottle
or stay on the other side of the door,
and don’t give me ultimatums you think you’ll win,
‘cause this is an addiction,
and you’re just the person I love,
and as crazy as it seems love is less powerful
than addiction,
and you’re on the losing side.

9/12/10
She tries to sleep but the darkness
wakes her up same time every night,
For it’s the pitch black that activates
the worm hole that doesn’t offer
a trip but sucks her right in,

And I’m four years old again
but only in regards to my body,
And I’m twenty years old
in my head and I’m hating,
Fists are clenched and I,

She tries to move her horrid past
like telekinesis out of her mind,
For it’s the memories that cut
her skin in the form of a knife
trying to bleed it’s ways out,

Back to the worm hole
she feels so weak,
In the body of a four year old
the world looks bleak,
It’s only when she cries
that he starts to stop,
That memory for the hundredth
time is the only thing she needed
to confirm the fact that he is a monster,
Nowhere near human,
And neither was she,
How could she be?

They say time travel is not possible,
So how am I living in the past?
They say time travel is not possible,
So why is it so hard to live in the moment?

And the worm hole above her bed
stays in place as she relives her past,
And before she herself comes back through
her guts do, that squirming feeling
travels from her head to her stomach
and nausea with the force to pick her
up off her feet and through time,

She shoves another pill down
just like she tries to squash the past,
For it’s the memories that swallow
a dozen pills in the form of her
very on throat, her enemy,

And every night she is thrown
without a choice through time,
And I’m four years old again,
And it so badly hurts my head,
to be so victimized night after night,
And with all the smarts in my mind
I can’t seem to get rid of the pain,
And all I can attempt to do is to rewrite
the past and my fists clenched,

I punch him square in the jaw,
with the hand of a child
but the heart of a disaster,
with such young knuckles
but such old pain,

And so every night I will not be the only suffering,
And I hope he time travels too.

9/12/10
She tries to sleep but the darkness
wakes her up same time every night,
For it’s the pitch black that activates
the worm hole that doesn’t offer
a trip but sucks her right in,

And I’m four years old again
but only in regards to my body,
And I’m twenty years old
in my head and I’m hating,
Fists are clenched and I,

She tries to move her horrid past
like telekinesis out of her mind,
For it’s the memories that cut
her skin in the form of a knife
trying to bleed it’s ways out,

Back to the worm hole
she feels so weak,
In the body of a four year old
the world looks bleak,
It’s only when she cries
that he starts to stop,
That memory for the hundredth
time is the only thing she needed
to confirm the fact that he is a monster,
Nowhere near human,
And neither was she,
How could she be?

They say time travel is not possible,
So how am I living in the past?
They say time travel is not possible,
So why is it so hard to live in the moment?

And the worm hole above her bed
stays in place as she relives her past,
And before she herself comes back through
her guts do, that squirming feeling
travels from her head to her stomach
and nausea with the force to pick her
up off her feet and through time,

She shoves another pill down
just like she tries to squash the past,
For it’s the memories that swallow
a dozen pills in the form of her
very on throat, her enemy,

And every night she is thrown
without a choice through time,
And I’m four years old again,
And it so badly hurts my head,
to be so victimized night after night,
And with all the smarts in my mind
I can’t seem to get rid of the pain,
And all I can attempt to do is to rewrite
the past and my fists clenched,

I punch him square in the jaw,
with the hand of a child
but the heart of a disaster,
with such young knuckles
but such old pain,

And so every night I will not be the only suffering,
And I hope he time travels too.

19/7/11
I used to get so uncomfortable hearing my own footsteps,
Thinking I was on the path to – I wasn’t on a path at all,
I used to stare at the clock and flinch at the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, when my mind finally feels fine,

I used to walk around with the world on my shoulders,
Taking blame for the things I had no hand in at all,
I used to fear the clock and cry about the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right, I feel better than fine,

And I don’t care if it’s just another high
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
And I don’t care if this moment has a limit,
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,

I used to crawl around on the floor just searching
for my entrance to Hell, I knew where I was headed,
Then one day I decided to stand and scale the walls
for the light, I’d spend days just searching
and sometimes I’d lay down and stare at the surrounding dark,
But I always got back up and I finally found the dimmer,

It’s still far from perfect but I finally feel worth it,
I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, where I feel better than fine,
I live for the times the light shines,
I push through the dark because I know it always ends,
And right now, right here, I’m better than fine.

12/7/11
I said I wouldn’t count my chickens
but the eggs began to crack and I may
have told a lie,
Isn’t it funny how chickens can’t fly?

You took my wings away anyway
and now I’m left stranded and all I
seem to do is cry,
Isn’t it ironic how chickens can’t fly?

So I’m trapped in the wire fences
just standing in the line,
Waiting to be plucked out
and chosen to die,

Because chickens can’t fly.

19/7/11
I used to get so uncomfortable hearing my own footsteps,
Thinking I was on the path to – I wasn’t on a path at all,
I used to stare at the clock and flinch at the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, when my mind finally feels fine,

I used to walk around with the world on my shoulders,
Taking blame for the things I had no hand in at all,
I used to fear the clock and cry about the calendar,
But now I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right, I feel better than fine,

And I don’t care if it’s just another high
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,
And I don’t care if this moment has a limit,
because it’s natural and I feel good, so good,

I used to crawl around on the floor just searching
for my entrance to Hell, I knew where I was headed,
Then one day I decided to stand and scale the walls
for the light, I’d spend days just searching
and sometimes I’d lay down and stare at the surrounding dark,
But I always got back up and I finally found the dimmer,

It’s still far from perfect but I finally feel worth it,
I live for the times the light shines,
Right here, right now, where I feel better than fine,
I live for the times the light shines,
I push through the dark because I know it always ends,
And right now, right here, I’m better than fine.

26/5/11
Do you feel the same guilt, the shame,
the pain I have to use to get through every day?
I used to wish for news that you’d jumped off a bridge
driven insane, but now today I hope you live
and just drown with the same guilt, the shame,
the pain that you put me through, how I hope
it doubles back up onto you and you
wish to simply die on the spot like I cried on the spot
for years as you,

Do you struggle to look your own eye
in the mirror, do you give in and cry at the monster
that you’ve always been, not become, always been
and you’ve got no excuse because I didn’t
grow up to be just like you, so I threw
all those theories down in the bin and god how I hope
your prayers for your sins just fail and drop
and God can abandon you the way he left me to you
for years as you,

Do you look back and wince at your actions,
see the tears that I cried that you couldn’t take as
a message to stop, let me out of this place, of this
memory, I’ve got nothing left and I’m barely
breathing as you, and again and again and it happened
for years but not just the years that it happened,
Because my head replays it all the time, awake or asleep,
It lives inside me like the monster you are,
And screw your excuses, I threw them away when I reached twenty one
and I haven’t hurt anyone the way you hurt me, so there goes
every sorrowful line about being hard done by makes you do bad things to others,

Only I have suffered at my own hand and I,
will keep it that way because I’m nothing like you,
And only I have suffered at my own hand and I,
will keep it that way because I am not like you,
And if I were I would sooner jump the bridge
than let such a monster, such a demon exist,
And only I have suffered, it’s painted on my wrist
for all to see the pain that you caused me,
to relive and relive and relive once again,
And only my own outsides, insides have suffered
at my own hands and I will keep it that way,
So face yourself in the mirror and look in your eye
and I hope that all you see is the hate

that has manifested in me for all these years,
that has been crawling through you for all those years,
You might’ve been young but I was younger
and I didn’t deserve the things that you did,
You might’ve been misunderstood but I know you knew
what you were doing, you don’t reach such an age
and not know right from wrong,
And you hid it, told me not to tell anyone,
And you hid it, and you did it for so long,
to fulfil some kind of sick, twisted urge,
And I know you knew you were wrong
when you hid it from everyone, and told me not to tell anyone,
So you can’t protest ‘but I didn’t know’,
Because you always knew, I was the one in the dark
until I grew to be your age and now I can see what you did to me

and I will turn out nothing like you so there goes every excuse.

Jumping flies

5/5/11
I will not be another statistic,
The increasing height of a line on a chart,
I won’t be another crazy kid sick with demons,
I won’t be another depressed head
who cannot take the issues of a world where
They’re dropping like flies,
jumping with lies,
jumping with their lives.

My goal must be made more than
to just be alive by the end of this month,
My life must be more than just trying to
make it through every hour,

I will climb the mountain but I won’t
hang myself with the rope.
I will fight fist to fist with every demon
and I will win. I will fight fist to fist
with every approaching enemy.
I will win where

they dropped like flies,
jumped with lies,
jumped with their lives.

And I salute because I know the feeling
but I won’t give in and I’ll live the life of those unlived,
And I salute because I know how easily
that could of been my body,
And I will live the life of those unlived.

-

26/5/11
I’m rushing out, I’m falling down,
What’s new here at this place anyway?
You’re asking, I’m lying, what’s new?
I’m bursting at the seams with the truth
that I just won’t spill to anyone,

Oh how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find your heart inside your arms.

I’m crashing down, I’m folding out,
What’s new here at this headspace anyway?
You’re crying at my obvious lying again,
I’m bursting at the seams with secrets
That I just won’t spill to anyone,

Oh god how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find your heart inside your arms.

I’m just giving in, I’m not the only one
beyond believing, my lies are getting ridiculous now,
You’re getting to know me and my eyes give me away,
That’s what you always say, at night when I get home,
That’s what you always say, I wish I were alone,
And I’m just giving in, I’m past believing,

Oh god, how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find peace inside your arms,

Once I laid there and I thought perfection, at last, perfection
erase my past but the bliss didn’t last and that’s when the lies start,
Once I laid there and I thought perfection, at last perfection
could erase my past but the bliss didn’t last and that’s where we start
to fall apart like all my flimsy excuses to where have I been
you know just where I’ve been and just what I’ve been doing,
And I thought I could outrun my past but my legs and lies didn’t last,

Oh god, how my gut hurts and how you wish you were the first
but you’re not and you won’t be the last trying to dig up my past,
Oh how I wish I could change this and just find your,
just find your heart inside your arms,

You’re reaching – it’s at a stretch now – and I’m scared to take that hand,
And you’re caring and I’ve never been more scared and I,
You’re reaching – it’s desperation now – and I’m scared to take that hand,
And you’re caring is really scaring me and I,

I cannot run away from this one more day – my legs are giving way,
And I was so stupid, you were always there to,
I cannot run away from this one more day as my legs give way,
I was so stupid, you were always there to catch me.

Sweet bullets

29/4/11
I heard a sweetly, softly song sung by a gun,
And once I heard that noise, I begged for more,
But it needed a little more substance, a little more oomph
than just shooting at dead firewood,
I heard a sweetly, softly song sung by a gun
but I needed a more heartfelt one.

If you stand in my way, well you’ll be quickly erased,
Because each note that this gun sings I know is a sin,
But it sounds so, but it makes me everything
instead of the nothing I am sick of being,
If you stand in my way, well today’s not your day.

I blasted just one bullet away for some fun,
And heard all the screams, the scurrying away,
What a sweet and delicate noise, I thought to myself,
what a lovely note to follow my gun’s voice,
I heard a sweetly, softly song sung by a gun
and I am getting closer to a complete one.

If you stand in my way, well today’s not your day,
Because each note that this gun sings is beautiful,
And it sounds sweet, and it makes me a God
instead of the nothing I am so sick of rotting,
If you stand in my way, you’ll quickly be erased.

Oh, you stand in my way, I warned you didn’t I?
I gave you the fair warning you never gave me,
You see, I may have a gun but I am still more civilised than you,
I let the nice ones go, well some of them,
Depends how high the urge to kill is,
I let the nice ones go, it’s you I’m after,
And sometimes the nice ones are just collateral damage,

But don’t you see I’m cleaning up by making the biggest mess you’ll see?
And don’t you hear the sweet, and don’t you hear the sweetly singing gun?
It urges me on and so do all your pain filled screams, it seems
I am a monster too now. I am a monster now.

If you stand in my way, you’re sure to be erased,
Because each note that this gun sings is a beautiful sin,
And it sounds so, and it makes me everything
instead of the nothing I am so sick of being,
If you stand in my way, I will not hesitate

to hold this gun to your face,

If that’s how I have to get to the not so nice ones,
And I’ll let the nice ones go, for a while,
But I might shoot them in the back just to hear the sound,
And I’ll let the nice ones go, for a while,
But I might shoot them in the back just to taste the fear,

It’s a tradition, don’t you know?
It’s an April tradition to kill.
It’s a tradition, don’t you know?

Stand in front of me, this place is going to blow,
Stand in front of me and I’ll make sure of my aim,
Stand in front of me, this place is about to blow,
And I’m sorry for the collateral damage
but the world will be a better place.

facebook group!

Hey guys I now have a facebook group up and running

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/home.php?sk=group_107043662716601

or search "heartbeat in a pen" ! thanks guys.

Stay Gold

3/4/11
And you’re a blank canvas
and I won’t dare make a mark on you,
But you say I already have made more than one,
And I won’t dare make you as dark as me,

I’ve secrets you have no part in knowing,
I’ve been places you shouldn’t roam in,
I’ve got secrets inside this chest that
would strip you off all your beautiful innocence,
And I won’t be the one to...

And you’re a blank canvas
and I wouldn’t touch you if you didn’t ask,
But you asked and I couldn’t help but just run
my fingers ever so gently across you,

And now you’re pulling at my heart
for all the secrets you know I’m keeping,
You’re begging to pull my ribs right apart,
But you don’t realise you’re compromising all your
beautiful innocence, and I won’t be...

I won’t be the one to...

If only you’d never, if only I’d been able to,
If only you’d never, if only Id been able to,
If only you’d never, if only I’d been able to
say no,
But the truth is I’m attracted to what I don’t have
and that’s where your purity comes in and I would rather break
your heart than your gold, stay gold,
But the truth is opposites attract
and that’s where your purity comes in and I would rather break
your heart than your gold, stay gold,

I’ve secrets you’ve no place knowing,
I’ve been places you shouldn’t roam in,
I’ve got secrets inside this chest
that would strip you of all your beautiful innocence,
And I promised myself
I wouldn’t be the one to strip you of all your...

But you’re pulling at my shirt,
And you’re reaching into my heart again
and I want so desperately for someone to know me,
But I won’t be the one to kill you,
And you’re pulling at my chest again,
And you’re reaching deep inside again
and I want so desperately for you to know me,
But I won’t be the one to kill you,

I’d sooner break your heart than splinter your gold,
stay gold, promise me, stay gold.

3/4/11
Ok, calm down, calm down,
Your hearts going a little too fast,
Ok, breathe now, breathe now,
Your heart will slow down,
You’re not dying, just breathe out.

Ok, calm down, calm down
I know it’s unsettling,
But you just need to breathe now,
Breathe deep, breathe out,
You’re not going to die, I promise.

Oh my heart’s trying to run through my chest
straight to the outside, trying to get out
of my ears, of my head, out of my chest.

Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re hearts going a bit too fast,
But you’re in hospital now,
The best place to be, this will slow,
You’re not dying, just breathe now.

Ok, the tests are a good thing,
Better to know what’s wrong,
Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re working yourself up now,
Just calm down,
You are not dying, just breathe out.

Oh my heart’s trying to barrel through my chest
straight to the outside, trying to get out
of my ears, of my head, out of my chest.

Ok, calm down, calm down,
You’re only twenty one,
Your heart beat is just strong,
But no that’s too fast,
and why do they look so worried?
Oh God, why do they have those looks
on their faces? Stop now, stop now.

Ok, calm down, you’re panicking now,
You’re only twenty one,
Nothing can be all that wrong,
Calm down, calm down, you’re
making it so much worse now,
Just breathe in and out and calm down.

Oh my heart is clawing at my ribs
just trying to make it out now,
I feel it in my ears, my chest, oh god,
just make it stop.

Ok, that’s good, calm down,
Just breathe in, hear the sound,
It’s starting to slow down
(Thank God)
Just keep on breathing
and stop looking at all the machines
every five minutes,
Ok, that’s good, calm down,
Just breathe in, hear the sound,
It’s starting to slow down
(Thank God)
Just keep on going now,

Let your eyes to rest, soon the feeling in your chest
will fade slowly, but fade surely,
Just let your eyes rest as you feel the hammering in your chest
start to fade slowly, but fade surely,
Just let your eyes to rest for a moment,

And just calm down.

3/4/11
You only get one lousy body so you better treat it right,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it and it can put up quite the fight,
You only get one lousy body so you better treat it right.

This body I mistreated, this body I have neglected,
This body and now I’ll pay for all my mistakes
as my heart beats out of rhythm.

You only get one lousy life so you better get it right
pretty quick because if you don’t you’ve got quite the fight
on your hands, so you better get this life just right
first time

This life I mistreated, this life I have neglected,
This life and now I’ll pay for all my mistakes
as my mess grows around me.

You only get one vessel to live in so you better treat it nice,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it exactly right,
You only get the one vessel to live in so you better treat it nice,

And I didn’t treat myself real nice,
I always am angry at myself
So I put my body and my mind
through hell time and time,
again. And I didn’t treat my body
real nice so now I am paying the price,
And I didn’t treat my mind real nice
an d there too I am paying the price,

Yeah you only get one lousy body so you better treat it right,
It’s pretty strong if you take care of it and it can put up quite the fight,
But you only get one, just one of them so you better get this right.

3/4/11
Oh God I can see the light, won’t you just let me out?
For a day or for an hour? To just get some sun on my skin,
It’s becoming so sour, so pale and god let me out for just an hour.

Oh God, I see the light shining through, the light I haven’t
seen for months, you locked me down here with a clue,
I’ve gone missing and no-one’s asking...

I spent the first month just screaming for my life
‘til my throat was scarred and my lungs worn out,
I spent the first month just screaming for my life
until I accepted that now this is ... my life.

Oh God, I wrench the door again and again but I
can’t find my way out, lights out, just let me out
for an hour or two, to just get some sun on my skin,
to just let me breathe some fresh air again.

It’s getting so stale in here, it’s been forever now,
And I can’t find any weakness in these walls,
I see the hidden eye-hole you look through,
And have I told you lately I think you’re disgusting?

And when he opens the door and I see the light for just a second,
I make a run for it but it shuts before I even get to glimpse...
And when he opens the door and the light burns my eyes,
I stumble but I just can’t make it before...

His hand comes down upon my face again,
I haven’t stopped trying,
His hand comes down...again,
I won’t ever stop trying,

I shout again and again but to no avail,
I shout over and over but it’s all in vain,
I scream again and again and again.

I was meant to live a life not a nightmare,
And God, if you were true would you really let this happen?
I was meant to live a life not a nightmare,
And God, if you were true would you really let me crumple,
fold and give in?

Well you don’t’ just look in through it, I look out too
at the rest of the world turning and turning and I wonder
why didn’t anyone ask whatever happened to my body?
What are the stories that have been fabricated for my disappearance,
And how I hope someone knows and is still looking
but I fear down here is my home and I’ll never be saved,
Not ever...be saved,

But I will make a run or stumble for it every time that he opens the door,
I won’t give in, my family is out there grieving somewhere,
And some days I fold, cry in a corner,
But I’ll keep fighting and I don’t care how often

his hand comes down upon my face again,
I won’t stop trying,
his hand comes down...again,
I won’t ever stop trying,

And I think he’s starting to see my determination,
And Oh God, this is starting to get desperate,
You see he’s getting buckets of water and filling up this well,
It’s up to my ankles now, Oh God get me out,
I write this on the wall but the water is beginning to strangle my neck,

I should have just given up, at least I would have lived,
I wonder as I begin to drown will they find my body now?
And become all confused, open up a closed case,
‘Cause what are the lies that they believe about me?

I can swim but I cannot hold my breath for long,
I can swim but I cannot see the light and I struggle
with the handle but it just won’t snap open,
I can swim but I cannot hold my breath much longer,
I can swim but I cannot find anything weak in the walls
and I really think that this is probably it,

I angered him too much or maybe just enough
for now I get relief from this horrible place,
I hope I don’t go to Hell because I feel I’ve
already lived it here but the things he made me do
will probably land me there, anyway,
I hope I don’t go to Hell because I’ve
already lived it through but the things he made me do
have probably reserved me a space,

Oh god, this is it, get me out of this mess,
Oh god, I’ve been praying, you’ve been saying
everything happens for a reason, but it’s been seasons,
Oh god, this is it, get me out of this mess,
Oh god, I’ve been praying and you’ve been making
excuses, I don’t think you’re true,
Oh god, this is it, my head is going under,
this body will come out mangled because he’s not finished
with me yet, oh god, this is your last chance,

Get me out of this mess,
I pray one last time in vain.