1/8/11
I never used to believe the whole
‘a burden shared is a burden halved’
I never used to believe in talking therapy
‘just talk about it, you’ll feel better’

And so I went through life just hiding inside a thousand lies,
So tiring trying to remember who you’ve told what
and always fearing you’ll slip up and ruin everything
again.

And so I went through life with this secret hidden in my heart,
With all my veins wrapped so tight around it
that it hurt sometimes I had to just let them loosen
up a bit.

So now I’ve got all these scars that can and can’t be seen,
But I guess I got tired of the entire depressed scene,
And I guess I decided maybe all this crap was worth a try,
And so I, and it took practice for so many years, but I
taught myself how to run this tongue in truth,

I think I caught my tongue off guard and sometimes it’s still hard
to get the words from my head to my mouth,
I’m still used to lying, exaggerating and hiding,
But I, and I’m still practicing all the time, but I
taught myself how to run this tongue in truth,
And that secret wrapped inside my chest might have just slipped out
by accident, but who says all accidents are bad because I think
this was the best thing I ever did. I never knew I’d feel like this,
As cliché as it is my shoulders, my spine is holding up nothing
but my body right now, and I feel like I could probably fly
if I ran fast enough on my light feet,

And that secret wrapped inside my chest might have just forced its way
onto my tongue but I’m not angry or trying to figure out how
I’ll ever live this down, I never knew I’d feel so,
And I’m on the ninth cloud and I know eventually I’ll come down
But I’m enjoying it for now, and I feel like I am flying
all because I ran my tongue.

1/8/11
There’s been this difference in my life since I widened my squinting eyes,
I saw things I’d never seen right in front of me,
And I think they call this opportunity.

Where in boredom I used to list the things I hated
about my stupid self, well now I’m listing the things
that I don’t mind,

Well what a turnaround,
I’m not saying I don’t’ feel pain,
But I also no longer fear change.

I crawled out of the glass box I built around myself,
And I didn’t get out unscathed,
And I’ve got more scars than some,
But I don’t hide them in shame anymore,

I decided not to just live to breathe,
same old boring unfulfilling routine,
I decided to just give life a try,
Now I breathe to live,

And I will fill this head with memories unpleasant and the opposite
because that’s just life but I won’t lie down at the first sign
of a fight because I’ve been through more than some
and I know I can get through, I know I can get through everything.

14+18-3-10

A young woman, she works
on a wooden desk with a pen
spitting ink on parchment after parchment,
then her eyes show it first, widening -
she clutches her chest -
she falls to the floor, with her eyes
chasing the base of her skull.

A whisper in her ear – are you satisfied?

A mother, she holds
children exuding such life
spitting out orders to child after child,
then her eyes show it first, widening -
she clutches her chest -
she falls to the floor, with her eyes
chasing the base of her skull.

A whisper in her ear – are you yet satisfied?

Elderly now, yet still
the young run around
contrasting the differing mortalities,
then her eyes show it first, widening -
she clutches her chest -
she falls to the floor, with her eyes
chasing the base of her skull.

A whisper in her ear – now what matters?

A flash – young, old, older.
Then with a shudder, her eyes do fly open,
She contemplates and rubs her chest -
takes her pulse and worries as it quickens
and it quickens as she worries.

Such a vivid yet and plausible dream,
How am I not to believe?
I hold in my scream of terror
and utter despair.

"the secrets attempted coup"

The emotional pain nobody ever gets - in their eyes,
You are weak and overdramatic - if only...
You could speak out instead of feeling paralysed,
When someone asks a question just a little too deep,
But not quite deep enough.

All your secrets are having a convention at your heart,
Too many tickets were sold - your ribs are cracking
trying to hold such a crowd.
And they're all yelling 'we want out, we want out',
Your heart begins to shake with overwhelming fear,
There's an earthquake throughout your body,
The secrets scatter and all you can get out is silence.

The physical pain nobody ever see's - in their eyes,
You are fine and in tact - if only...
They saw the scars on your ribs from expansion,
When the crowds are pushing too hard to escape,
But not quite hard enough.

All your secrets are having a convention at your heart,
Too many tickets were sold - your ribs are cracking
trying to hold such a crowd.
And they're all yelling 'we need out, we need out'
Your heart begins to shake at the thought of an overthrow,
There's an earthquake throughout your body,
The secrets stand with a plan to scramble up your throat when you gulp in air,
But the thick air breathed in and the choking throat forces the secrets back down, silenced.
And all that you can get out is stomach acid.

18-11-09
NOSTLEN GIDNITY

Downed much more than any fish,
I wonder if they even drink water,
Don’t they simply breathe it?
But the water is not combating
the poison tonight.

I am slurring, I am falling,
I am tripping, I am speaking
so loud and I, I am smiling.

A danger but not just to myself,
But a danger to that boys heart
or his ego, part those lips
and let me spit all my dignity
in your mouth tonight.

I am laughing, I am dancing,
I am tripping, I am making
such a fool of all of you.

Like something in a sci-fi movie
I step into a machine and press go,
And I step out a different person,
Well where’d that confidence come from?
What’s that niggling, tingling, stinging
feeling? It really feels quite nice.

I am who I want to be.
And who you want me to be.
I am who I want to be.

Is it what I want or the only
thing I can control? Irony says
you’ve lost control, kid, that’s your
lesson for trying to get one back
at the universe.

27-1-10
Don’t give me an ultimatum
‘cause this is an addiction
and you’re never going to win -
without a bottle in your hand
you’re not even making it through the door,
Can’t you hear me slur ‘more, more’,
Can’t you see it in my eyes
or hear it in my lack of words,
and this is such a vicious cycle.

You see, the bottle gives me courage,
and the anxiety cancels it all out,
so for the courage to speak I need it,
and then of course if I wish to speak honestly,
I need a little more,
and just to answer the door…
and just to get out the door…
and just to contemplate sociability…
and just to pretend I’m okay…
and, well, you might be beginning to get the point
by now, so come in with a bottle
or stay on the other side of the door,
and don’t give me ultimatums you think you’ll win,
‘cause this is an addiction,
and you’re just the person I love,
and as crazy as it seems love is less powerful
than addiction,
and you’re on the losing side.

9/12/10
She tries to sleep but the darkness
wakes her up same time every night,
For it’s the pitch black that activates
the worm hole that doesn’t offer
a trip but sucks her right in,

And I’m four years old again
but only in regards to my body,
And I’m twenty years old
in my head and I’m hating,
Fists are clenched and I,

She tries to move her horrid past
like telekinesis out of her mind,
For it’s the memories that cut
her skin in the form of a knife
trying to bleed it’s ways out,

Back to the worm hole
she feels so weak,
In the body of a four year old
the world looks bleak,
It’s only when she cries
that he starts to stop,
That memory for the hundredth
time is the only thing she needed
to confirm the fact that he is a monster,
Nowhere near human,
And neither was she,
How could she be?

They say time travel is not possible,
So how am I living in the past?
They say time travel is not possible,
So why is it so hard to live in the moment?

And the worm hole above her bed
stays in place as she relives her past,
And before she herself comes back through
her guts do, that squirming feeling
travels from her head to her stomach
and nausea with the force to pick her
up off her feet and through time,

She shoves another pill down
just like she tries to squash the past,
For it’s the memories that swallow
a dozen pills in the form of her
very on throat, her enemy,

And every night she is thrown
without a choice through time,
And I’m four years old again,
And it so badly hurts my head,
to be so victimized night after night,
And with all the smarts in my mind
I can’t seem to get rid of the pain,
And all I can attempt to do is to rewrite
the past and my fists clenched,

I punch him square in the jaw,
with the hand of a child
but the heart of a disaster,
with such young knuckles
but such old pain,

And so every night I will not be the only suffering,
And I hope he time travels too.